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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25300252">Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfamousPansy/pseuds/InfamousPansy'>InfamousPansy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Child Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Freedom Fighter Zuko (Avatar), Homelessness, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Military Background, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Past Sokka/Yue (Avatar), Sex Work, Sharing a Room, Sokka (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Zuko (Avatar) Needs Therapy, Zuko (Avatar) Needs a Hug</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 07:55:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>45,426</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25300252</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfamousPansy/pseuds/InfamousPansy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>People often pity the homeless. Zuko hated that.<br/>He didn’t need their pity. He didn’t need their help. He was perfectly capable of surviving on his own, regardless of what his sister might say. She laughed when he told her that he was running away. Rolled her eyes, mocked him for his weakness and made comment on his immaturity. But Zuko proved her wrong. It had been months since he had stepped out of those doors, and he was still standing.</p><p>or</p><p>Zuko prefers to be homeless then to put his uncle out of pocket. The gAang ends up turning things around</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aang/Katara (Avatar), Azula &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Azula/Ty Lee (Avatar), Hakoda &amp; Sokka (Avatar), Iroh &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Jet/Zuko (Avatar), Ozai &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Suki (Avatar), Sokka/Yue (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>126</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>582</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>avatar tingz</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Runaway</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Welcome to my story! I currently aim to be updating minimum of once a week!</p><p>This story is rated mature but be warned as it contains the following themes: self-harm, rape/non con, drug abuse, addiction, child abuse, mental health issues, anxiety/panic attacks, mild sexual content, mentions of abortion and mentions of murder</p><p>Note: Alot of my writting is inspired by songs. You can find a playlist for this story at; https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2XF4bl2ogAGwmlUstDJBY8?si=UEpAyXHPSr2L_W-TqzKyOg </p><p>* this chapter was inspired by: Run boy, run - Woodkid</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>People often pity the homeless. Zuko hated that.</p><p>He didn’t need their pity. He didn’t need their help. He was perfectly capable of surviving on his own, regardless of what his sister might say. She laughed when he told her that he was running away. Rolled her eyes, mocked him for his weakness and made comment on his immaturity. But Zuko proved her wrong. It had been months since he had stepped out of those doors, and he was still standing. Sure, things were tough at first. The streets of Ba Sing Se were covered in ice, and Zuko- having an aversion to the cold barely made it through the night. But he had his car, he had the blanket his mother crocheted for him as a child and he had food and for Zuko that was enough. Of course, eventually, his funds ran out, and Zuko began wondering whether or not it was worth going back home. Without money, he couldn’t use the heater in his car, he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t go to class, he couldn’t really do anything. So, the risk of returning to his father seemed to pale in comparison compared to the agonising hunger and existential dread that consumed him. Just as he was mustering up the courage to return home after his month-long absence, Zuko met Jet; A local gang thug dedicated to anarchy. They met by the water, Zuko was trying to distract his mind from hunger by skimming rocks, when Jet had stumbled upon his path carrying stolen goods. In exchange for a meal, Zuko helped him escape- but it turned out Jet was more than he seemed at first glance. He was the leader of an organisation called the freedom fighters, and the group took Zuko in. Zuko’s swordsmanship came in handy as he assisted the group in activism stunts targeted at the stuck up cooperates of the world. Although Zuko knew, if he were caught, his father would be furious, after all, having your child arrested for conspiring against you would be terrible for your public image, but Zuko found himself enjoying his time with the freedom fighters.  It wasn’t just because he was fed, clothed and had a roof over his head, but he had found a new strange sort of intimacy with the group. Especially with Jet.</p><p>At first, it was just the way Jet’s hand brushed over his or the way he complimented his smile. Then it was the constant compliments, luring Zuko in with a false sense of satisfaction, as things began to escalate. The fingers that once traced patterns on Zuko’s skin turned into fists tugging at his hair. The soft glances and cheeky winks turned into daggers which wore Zuko down and the warm embraces turned into rough sex Zuko wished would stop. Zuko hated every second of it but he was afraid. Afraid that if he spoke up about his discomfort he’d be thrown back onto the street. Panic consumed Zuko whenever these thoughts crossed his mind. He couldn’t be alone again, he couldn’t risk another winter, he couldn’t risk starving to death. So, in order to prevent going back to square one, Zuko held his tongue. Secretly, he hoped one of the freedom fighters would catch on to Jet’s cruel behaviour, but instead they all diverted their eyes avoiding Zuko and changing conversations whenever Zuko entered the room donning a new bruise or cut. This caused Zuko to question the loyalty of his friends. Sure, they had some good times together, but regardless they happily let Zuko wither away to nothing.  Eventually the persona Zuko put on to survive his father’s abuse emerged once more. The submissive mask bubbled to the surface every time Jet spoke to him and Zuko realised maybe the saying is true and we all date our parents. It made sense, as when Zuko smelt danger, rather than the fight or flight instinct arising he froze, allowing the man to do whatever he desired. It was easier that way but that all changed one early July morning.</p><p>The freedom fighters had just finished their latest escapade, tearing down a construction site, when Jet took things too far. It was supposed to be a peaceful act of terrorism, no one was supposed to get hurt, but Jet consumed by revenge attached the bomb to the building’s main foundation, killing the workers along with the demolition. Zuko was furious, his inner fire ignited as he lunged at Jet punching him in the face. The two wrestled, punching, clawing and scratching at each other as the freedom fighters watched in pure terror. This caused Zuko to cringe at the familiarity of the situation, realising how much Jet truly mirrored his father. The abuse was one thing, the fear others held for him was another, but this… seeing no value in human lives and just considering them tools. That was the last straw. The fight got intense, the two ended up bloody and beaten, only ceasing the activity when two officers pulled them off one another.</p><p>So that’s how he ended up here. Sitting in a police office, cuffed to a chair, icepack to his face as his father bribed a policeman to keep this situation on the down-low. Jet glared at him from across the room, disgusted at the presence of Ozai. Zuko didn’t blame him, but at this point, he couldn’t really care less.  Azula stood by Zuko amused, a smirk pressed to her lips as the officer and Ozai argued back and forth. After a lengthy conversation, and a large check in the officer’s name, Zuko was released, and Ozai was dragging a resisting Zuko towards his car.</p><p> “You’re in trouble~” Azula singsonged, climbing into the passenger seat while Ozai threw Zuko in the back. Zuko quietly stared at his feet. He knew what was coming, and honestly, he doubted if he would even survive tonight. The lecture would come first, Azula would chime in, Ozai would praise Azula, and then once they were alone, Ozai would literally kill Zuko.</p><p>“How dare you behave this way Zuko.” Ozai spat, commencing the lecture. “That was the most embarrassing thing I have ever had to endure. You better hope this doesn’t end up in the papers.”</p><p>“The policeman knows of your power and was very impressed with your cheque father. I’m sure Zuko’s actions will not reflect badly on you.” Ozai hummed in response to Azula’s flattery, somewhat appeased before continuing to dig into Zuko. Zuko didn’t bother responding, he let his father continue to insult him. He knew the drill. Zuko was a disappointment, he was embarrassing, he was lucky to be born so on and so forth. The lecture seemed to go on for hours, it lasted the entire drive back to the house and even continued when they entered inside. As much as he hated Azula’s smug face, and the look of satisfaction she held while Ozai belittled him, Zuko found himself missing her presence after she was gone, especially since he was then forced up against the wall. Ozai held Zuko up by his throat, glaring at the 22-year-old in disgust. He spat some more insults as Zuko tried to focus on his breathing. Zuko didn’t dare speak back, didn’t dare fight the punishment. He had learnt his lesson last time. When he was 13, his father was involved in a sketchy business scandal and Zuko called his father out on his inhumane approaches and demanded he man up and show some human decency. Ozai’s response was to brand Zuko’s face with an iron. Zuko never spoke out of turn again. By the time Ozai was done, Zuko had been punched, suffocated and spat on, but the worst was the big purple bruise forming around his now dislocated shoulder.</p><p>Zuko didn’t know what to do, but he knew he couldn’t stay here. He ran away for a reason, and that was to survive, and tonight’s events did not change that fact. So Zuko took a deep breath, ignored his pain, allowing adrenaline to consume him as he scaled down the fire escape and headed to the one place, he might actually be able to receive help: <em>The Jasmine Dragon</em>.</p><p>The Jasmine Dragon was a quaint teashop in the inner circle of Ba Sing Se run by Zuko’s uncle Iroh. Iroh had decorated the store with cherry blossom trees, bonsai plants and antique tea sets, which appealed to the largely feminine demographic. Zuko had always loved his uncle’s tea shop, it was a warm and safe environment, always filled with enticing aromas and delicious cakes. But despite his love for the place, Zuko found it hard to enter the store.  It was about 10 am in the morning, and as such, it was peak trading time. Zuko felt a little guilty about entering the store during prime business hours, and considering the shop was overflowing with patrons, he knew entering in his current state would lose his uncle some income. Another aspect preventing him from entering was the presence of the GAang.</p><p>The GAang was a clique from his collage who were known for their pranks. Zuko groaned eternally, he had had some run-ins with the group in the past and none of them were exactly positive experiences. Zuko’s terrible social skills and anger issues made him less than approachable. The youngest member, Aang (a theology student with way too much time on his hands) had once pranked Zuko by placing a bucket of water in the doorway. Zuko ended up drenched and tore Aang to shreds. But it’s not like Aang knew that Zuko was currently living out of his car, and he didn’t exactly have many clean clothes. Aang didn’t hold it against him, but Katara, his girlfriend did. Katara may seem sweet and charming at first glance but behind those sparkling blue eyes was a fierce lady who scared the hell out of Zuko. The other two members of the GAang weren’t so bad.  There was Toph, a blind student who was in Zuko’s liberal arts class and Sokka, an engineering student here on a Lacrosse scholarship. Now the problem with Sokka was he was hot. Like super fucking hot. Zuko couldn’t help but stare at him whenever he played a match. His dark skin reminded Zuko of a caramel latte, but this was made better by the blue tribal tattoos which covered his muscular frame. But last time he checked, Sokka had just exited a heavy 2-year relationship with a lovely woman named Suki and plus, Zuko had Jet. Well… had Jet.  </p><p>Despite his issues with the GAang Zuko entered his uncles’ shop. The small bell attached to the door chimed throughout the store, bringing Iroh’s attention to Zuko. When Iroh’s eyes met Zuko’s, Zuko gave a small wave with his good arm and proceeded towards him. Dropping his tray, Iroh wrapped his arms around Zuko in a crushing hug. Zuko winced in pain, clutching his shoulder, but still sunk into his uncle’s embrace. Iroh immediately loosened his grip, noticing the pain twinged look in Zuko’s eye before dragging him backstage into the kitchen. To Zuko’s horror, Sokka followed.</p><p>“Old man, I know I’m not rostered on, but this looks important” he glanced at the injuries covering Zuko. “Did you want me to take over for a bit?” Iroh accepted Sokka’s offer and the hunk put on an apron and walked back out. So Sokka worked for his uncle? That was interesting. Uncle began his barrage of questions, all while helping Zuko pop his shoulder back into place. Iroh insisted on going to the hospital, but after Zuko’s fifth dismissal, he dropped the topic.</p><p>Marching Zuko upstairs, Iroh continued to pry answers from his quiet nephew but alas he got very few results. Zuko was too tired and in too much pain to answer, so instead Iroh just led him to the spare bedroom and Zuko collapsed. Zuko knew he shouldn’t stay here long term; he didn’t want to bring Iroh into his crap show of a life. But right now, he was warm, he was safe, surely one night couldn’t hurt.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Helping Hand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sokka decides to help out Iroh which means helping Zuko</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>* song for the chapter: Kiss with a Fist - Florence + the Machine</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sokka loved working with Iroh. He was filled with so much knowledge and never hesitated to share it through proverbial phrases and stories. Today’s lesson was short and sweet<em>; Life is like a cup of tea, it’s all about how you make it</em>. The phrase made Sokka chuckle slightly, not at all shocked that the old man used hot leaf juice as a metaphor for life. As Iroh continued to ramble, the two of them opened the shop for the day and a few of the regular patrons entered. Sokka was pretty sure these older ladies came for more than just the tea. With Iroh’s sweet smile and wiggly eyebrows, Sokka knew they enjoyed the casual flirting, especially since their phone number was always scribbled on the back of the bill, hoping one day Iroh would take the initiative and call them. Sokka couldn’t help but wonder why the old man never called them back. He had seen pictures of the man’s wife from a few decades ago, so he knew that Iroh liked females, but still the man never called. Maybe Iroh was just one of those people who believed you only get one chance at true love, and well he had already found his. Sokka found himself wishing that the old man still had his family, but well, he supposes that Zuko was still indisposed upstairs, and he kind of counted. Right?</p><p>After all, Iroh had been boasting about Zuko since Sokka first met him. Zuko was a constant source of pride for the old man, so Sokka supposed the two were very close. Iroh was probably most proud of Zuko’s fencing scholarship. Apparently Zuko was quite the skilled swordsman, and Iroh honestly believed that if Zuko were more confident, he’d have a shot at the Olympics. Sokka thought that was pretty impressive, especially considering he had recently gotten into fencing recently himself. It was a fun sport, but it took a lot of patience. Sokka had actually asked Iroh about professional training, hoping that maybe Zuko’s trainer might be a good master for Sokka to learn from, but apparently Zuko was completely self-taught. So, considering his high expectations of the man, Sokka was a little surprised when Zuko stumbled into the Jasmine Dragon a few days ago. He always pictured Zuko as a muscular jock with a heart of gold- not the scrawny, weird kid from college.</p><p>It's not that Sokka thought Zuko was weird, no it was more he didn’t understand the guy. Aang had made numerous attempts to befriend the guy over the past year but was met with rude rejections or fits of rage. Sokka put it down to the fact he was a liberal arts student. Toph often told him that everyone who studied that degree seemed to be mentally deranged one way or another. He guessed obscure minds were probably the most creative. But still, something about Zuko seemed off. He just carried himself different from most people, it was almost as if he was trying to curl in on himself or make himself disappear. The dude probably just had anxiety issues, most people did nowadays, but the rumours told a different story.</p><p>Sokka had never really been one to listen to rumours, but his sister; Katara was quite the chatterbox. So occasionally the recent water cooler gossip entered the conversation, but Sokka didn’t like what he heard. It honestly bothered him that people were so open in regard to trauma- hell katara seemed to introduce herself to a stranger by announcing that their mum was dead. Sokka wasn’t like that, he thought emotions should be a personal thing, maybe that’s why it bothered him so much when people would whisper behind Zuko’s back. They made some disgusting comments, mostly regarding his appearance- speculating the story behind his scar. Honestly, Sokka wasn’t sure if he wanted to know if any versions told the truth, they all made his skin crawl, but one, in particular, stood out from the rest. A story which indicated it was self-inflicted. Maybe that’s why the other day threw him off. Seeing Zuko try and force a smile for Iroh’s benefit while dealing with a substantial amount of pain made Sokka’s heartbreak. So, he wanted to help in any way he could. So, when Iroh had to leave the town to collect the stock, Sokka found himself upstairs bringing Zuko lunch.</p><p>Sokka didn’t know what to expect when he walked upstairs, but it certainly wasn’t a half-naked Zuko sprawled on the couch. Sokka couldn’t help but notice the way Zuko’s wet hair clung to his face, almost as it was framing his golden eyes. Biting back the urge to flirt, Sokka greeted Zuko. As Sokka spoke, Zuko lunged towards the laundry basket, pulling on some sweats, which proved difficult due to his slung arm.</p><p>“W-what are you doing up here?” Zuko quietly stuttered, clearly embarrassed being seen in his briefs.</p><p>“Your uncle had to go out, so I brought you up some lunch”</p><p>“Oh… Thanks, I guess…” Sokka nodded in response, placing the plate on the table when suddenly the sound of Nikki Minaj’s super bass rang through the air. Zuko looked down at his phone, plopping down on the couch as he answered it, annoyed.</p><p>“What” he spat, causing Sokka to raise an eyebrow intrigued. As Zuko continued the conversation, Sokka noticed how the man became quieter and seemed to almost curl into himself. Then, Zuko’s voice began to tremble, his hands shaking slightly, silent tears falling. Biting his lip, Zuko began to pull on his shoes, tensing at every word spoke to him.… Sokka decided whoever Zuko was speaking to needs a punch into the face. </p><p>“Everything alright?” Sokka asked, concern brewing. Zuko merely wiped his eyes, hanging up the phone and shrugged.</p><p>“I’m fine” he mumbled, eyes dropping to the floor as he grabbed a shirt, keys and wallet.</p><p>“Where are you going? You can’t leave you’re injured”</p><p>“Why do you care?”</p><p>“I would call it human decency” This caused Zuko to roll his eyes in defiance, as if resisting care, but Sokka stood by what he meant. “Plus, your uncle would be upset if you randomly collapsed.” With that Zuko’s attitude changed. He started shifting his weight from foot to foot, fidgeting with his shirt. Sokka guessed Zuko loved Iroh just as much as Iroh loved Zuko. Using the old man as a form of manipulation, Sokka convinced Zuko to compromise and let Sokka drive Zuko to his friend’s house.</p><p>When the two arrived at an abandoned warehouse located in the middle of a shifty, industrial estate, Sokka was reluctant to let Zuko go. So, making himself a chaperone, Sokka escorted Zuko inside, only to be greeted by a group of ruffians who were distracted by a burning car. Zuko immediately tensed, staring into the fire with pure horror.</p><p>“Are you fucking kidding me!” Zuko screamed, forcing all attention on him. The group turned from the fire as Zuko stomped towards them, screaming profanities. To this, Zuko was met with a slap, causing Sokka’s eyes to widen, and the rest of the group to divert their vision. Zuko fell silent, his eyes dropping to the ground as his attacker called him a spoilt brat. Zuko didn’t respond, letting the man push him around and insult him. As the man went to throw another punch, Sokka intervened, catching his fist. Acting as Zuko’s shield, Sokka came to a horrible realisation, this attacker was the fucking bastard who cheated on his sister.</p><p>
  <em>It happened many years ago, back when Katara was 14. She was young, and in love- Sokka was suspicious. Jet was just too good to be true. His smile seemed forced, his laughter seemed fake, and his actions were morally corrupt. Sokka instantly knew he was trouble, but Katara didn’t listen. Sokka couldn’t blame her, dating a gang kid who behaved like a modern robin hood was like living in a young-adult, romance novel, but those stories are fiction for a reason. The stereotypical bad boy image may be enticing, but it comes with trouble. For Katara, the trouble was Jet’s code of ethics. He saw the world as a ball of fire, and rather than trying to extinguish the flames, he believed in letting people burn. This caused a fight, it escalated, and in attempts to manipulate Katara into submission, Jet cheated on her- and well Sokka found the bastard in her bed.</em>
</p><p>“Well, if it isn’t water boy” Jet spat, pulling back his fit in disgust.</p><p>“Jet… Why the fuck is your group burning Zuko’s car?”</p><p>“He’s a traitor. He’s with them, the very people we’ve been fighting against this whole time!” Zuko tried to protest but Jet cut him off. “Save it! Just get your crap out of here Zuko. Come near us again and I will kill you” Zuko’s eyes filled with terror, his lip trembling as he quietly collected a small bag.  Sokka began to piece together Zuko’s behaviour and figured he was currently living with this group. But in this place, Jet’s word was law and if he wanted Zuko gone, gone he would be. After collecting his stuff, Zuko scrambled out the door. Sokka followed him outside, expecting to find Zuko at his car in order to return to the jasmine dragon but instead saw him walking down the alleyway, lighting a cigarette between his quivering lips.</p><p>“Zuko... come on I’ll take you back to your uncles.” Sokka could tell Zuko wasn’t in the right headspace, and considering he just lost his car, Sokka didn’t mind helping the guy by playing uber.</p><p>“I’m not going back there… Uncle can’t afford house guests” Zuko whispered,</p><p>“Well, where do you live then? I’ll take you home.”</p><p>“…I’m fine, I don’t need your pity”</p><p>“Dude, your legit wobbling on you are feet. Let me help”</p><p>“I said I’m fine!!” Sokka sighed, holding his arms up in defeat.</p><p>“Fine dude, whatever. At least text the old man and let him know you left. You’re going to stress him out”</p><p>“Don’t tell me what to do and don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.”</p><p>“The old man ain't just family to you, he means the world to a lot of us. So, I will get bloody involved.” Sokka snapped. “I’m just trying to help, no need to act like an ass. Look I get it, Jet is an ass, but you left, woo, that’s a victory. Now you can sort out your crap. “</p><p>Zuko laughed, taking another drag of the cigarette before squishing it under its boot.</p><p>“You don’t know shit!” Zuko spat. “Stay the fuck away from me…”</p><p>“Fuck me I guess for being nice.” Zuko just flipped the bird and walked away.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Anxiety</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Zuko does what it takes to survive then decides to get a burger</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I just wanted to put a PSA. </p><p>Although Zuko pictures sex work as degrading, this is purley for plot. Sex workers are increible people and dont deserve disrespect.  So yeah! #supportsexworkers.</p><p>- song: Ok - Mabel</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>They say only an idiot let's a flame burn you twice but what happens if you've tried everything to extinguish it? For Zuko, the flame of his past burnt brightly, spreading like a wildfire throughout his psyche, terrorising his dreams. Every night, with the fluttering of his eyelids, the heat enveloped Zuko, causing him to scream. Crying out in agony, Zuko was tortured through the bubbling of his flesh and the maniacal laughter filling his ears. He tried to make it stop. He would claw at his skin, pull out his hair, bite down his tongue anything to take his mind off the pain. But then, everything became silent, the devil's face would fade from his mind and he found serenity within the pain. He'd wake in a panic, tears would fall, he would start to hyperventilate and then Zuko would break.</em>
</p><p>This didn’t happen every night, but it happened enough that Zuko had developed a recovery routine. It usually involved a cigarette and some meditation, but tonight that option seemed quite impossible due to the large, hairy man currently restricting his movements. It was moments like these that Zuko wished he still lived at home, despite the whole abuse situation, Zuko had food, he had the medications he needed; he was able to look after himself. But here, where he was forced to live off instant coffee and ramen noodles, it was hard to maintain physical strength. So, he was pinned. Pinned under some large oaf who had picked Zuko up last night for a good time. An oaf who knowingly ripped Zuko off (only paying him $100) because he knew the young man was weak, injured and desperate.</p><p>Zuko tried once more to move the sleeping man off his tender frame. Luckily, with a dramatic movement, Zuko managed to fumble out from under him and find his way to the floor. With no regard to his state of undress, Zuko lit a cigarette and threw his head back against the bed. With a deep breath, Zuko mentally chanted the mantras his uncle had taught him to cope with anxiety before allowing his eyes to close once more.</p><p>
  <em>Breathe in and out. I am safe. He's not. here. Breath in and out. This too will pass. Breathe in… breathe out. I am okay, I deserve to be okay. Breathe in… breathe out. Calm down.</em>
</p><p>Zuko continued to repeat the mantras, all whilst bouncing his leg, hoping to distract his mind when suddenly a loud alarm pulled him from his thoughts. The large oaf grunted, slamming his fist on the snooze button before rolling over and staring at Zuko. At least the panic had worn off by now, otherwise this situation would be much worse.</p><p>"What no morning affection?" The oaf chuckled as Zuko mustered up the courage to respond.</p><p>"That'll cost you extra," he said quietly, refusing to look at the man.</p><p>"That can be arranged. How able I double what I owe ya?"</p><p>"...." Zuko considered denying it, he really did. He was in no mental state to be doing such an activity right now plus he didn’t enjoy it this way, it was painful but most of all, it was humiliating. But Zuko wanted to be able to eat and the likely hood of this situation happening again was unlikely.</p><p>The oaf had seen Zuko last night walking down the street when he cat-called him. Usually, Zuko ignores people like that, but the guy was persistent. By the time the oaf had parked the car and caught up with Zuko, he had decided he would do anything to get in Zuko’s pants, including pay. Now if it was any other day, Zuko would’ve punched the guy in the face but it had been 3 days since Jet kicked him out and he hadn’t eaten or showered since. So Zuko accepted the money, used the opportunity to shower, eat and shave. Plus, he had the added bonus of spending the night with a roof over his head. Sure, the sex wasn’t fun, especially with someone as forceful as the oaf, but when you're desperate you'll stoop low, and Zuko was desperate. So, he accepted the deal, put out his cigarette and went in for round two. The sex was rough and painful. The man used Zuko as nothing but a warm hole to be filled then tossed him to the curb. But at least Zuko had his money and with it, Zuko was going to buy an egg and bacon burger.</p><p>Waltzing into a local McDonald's, Zuko ordered some food and plopped down at a table, trying to decide whether or not he should use some of the money to get closer to his college campus so he'd be able to go to class or stay within the city where he'd be more likely to get a job. He was weighing up the pros and cons, sipping on some orange juice whenever so swiftly, a perky face plopped on the other side of the table.</p><p>"Hi, Zuko! What're the chances of seeing you here?" Aang chirped as Zuko huffed.</p><p>"We live in the same city... The college campus is like a 20-minute drive away... I'd say pretty likely" he mumbled. Aang just frowned, but immediately perked up again.</p><p>"You should join us for breakfast!" He smiled signalling towards Toph who was sitting at another table. Zuko looked between the two. Zuko had to say yes- he knew what Aang was like. If he said no Aang would spend the next hour glancing back at Zuko with the expression of a lost puppy until Zuko cracked. Plus, well... agreeing might get him a free ride to the campus. So Zuko walked over to Toph, placing his tray down as Aang beamed with delight.</p><p>"Sup Sparky" Toph greeted, causing Zuko to slump in his seat.</p><p>"Why do you always call me that?"</p><p>"Cause you own like 20 million lighters."</p><p>"How do you even know that it's not like you can see what lighters I use."</p><p>"An upper-class lady like myself can always sense a hoarder" The comment caused Aang to snort on his juice most likely cause Toph was the furthest from upper-class as it got.</p><p>Aang went to comment, however, was instantly distracted by a whiff of floral perfume worn by a sassy brunette Katara, and with her Sokka. Zuko sunk into his seat further, as Aang stood to greet the lady with a kiss. Smiling, Katara slid into Aang's lap as Sokka awkwardly stood next to the table. The group remained in awkward silence for a while before Sokka finally snapped.</p><p>"Zuko where the hell have you been?" Sokka snapped, arms crossed. Zuko glanced up at Sokka before returning to stare at his food.</p><p>"Around."</p><p>"You do realise your family's like worried sick?" Zuko scoffed.</p><p>"I don’t need your lecture."</p><p>"Iroh temporarily closed down the dragon, and he and your father have been looking for you all night!" Zuko began to tremble, if his father was out there looking for him- he was fucked. Most likely he'd be dead by the weekend. He took a step back, colliding with the wall, as panic started to consume him. He slid down to the floor, struggling to breathe as Sokka's hostility faded.</p><p>"Dude... are you-? Katara! Help!" The two siblings rushed to Zuko's side, worry consuming them. Katara immediately jumped into action, her medical background allowing her to identify the reality of the situation and coach Zuko through his anxiety attack.</p><p>"Zuko, I need you to do this. List five things you can see around you." Katara had put her prejudice aside in order to help Zuko through this difficult time. Zuko glanced at her, confused.</p><p>"W-w-hy.." he stuttered in between strained breaths.</p><p>"Just trust me. Five things you can see. C’mon" Zuko glanced around the restaurant.</p><p>"... T-tables, food-d, s-staff... me-enus, bathro-oms..."</p><p>"Tell me four different things you can feel right now" Zuko was finding it hard to take notice of these things, but he tried.</p><p>"My c-clothes... th-he air-conditioner, the floor... the p-phone in my pocket"</p><p>"You're doing great Zuko, now tell me three things you can hear" Katara knew what she was doing may sound silly, but she was grounding Zuko. Getting him to focus, divert his thinking and calm him down.</p><p>"P-people talking, the cash re-egister, footsteps." Zuko's breathing was starting to steady. "Two things you can smell?"</p><p>"Your perfume...Fren-nch fries."</p><p>"One thing you can taste?"</p><p>"Orange juice..."</p><p>"Good now keep breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth" Zuko followed her direction, thankful that she was there to guide him out of the attack. He hated when they occurred, he felt so utterly helpless and that made him panic even more. So, he focused on his breathing, focused on Katara's words, focused on clearing his mind. Katara began checking Zuko over. She used her phone and shined a light in his eyes, she checked his heart rate, checked his reflexes and once she was assured Zuko was okay she stepped back, allowing Sokka to step in.</p><p>"Did I say something... I’m sorry... I shouldn’t have been so harsh. I don’t know what's going on. It's not my place" He was sincere. As much as Sokka loved Iroh, his relationship with Zuko wasn’t his business.</p><p>"...It’s not your fault. I-... I just have issues. It's fine."</p><p>"It’s not fine... you're on the floor Zuko." Zuko diverted his vision, fiddling with his sleeves.</p><p>"I- ...." he didn’t know how to answer.</p><p>"Why don’t you let us help you. We won’t force you to say or do anything you're not comfortable with... but let us help."</p><p>"YEAH! C’mon sparky! You know you'd love us stick around!" Toph chimed in, causing Zuko to smile softly.</p><p>"Do you have anywhere to stay right now?" Sokka asked. It was a fair question, considering how many people were looking for him. Zuko's eyes just fell, as Sokka began to smirk.</p><p>"Guess you're staying with me then~"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Sokka</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sokka and Zuko shop for clothes. Plus a bit of a Sokka backstory</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tw: mentions of drug use. </p><p>- song: save myself - ed sheeran</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.<br/><em>― <strong>Edgar Allan Poe</strong></em></p><hr/><p>Life sucked. That was something Sokka knew for certain. Regardless of any attempts to remedy the situation, life would not just give him lemons; but it would squeeze them directly into his eyes. But despite that, Sokka was resilient. No matter how many times life tried to kick him in the balls, he soldiered on. Sure, he may have it better than most people. He had his basic human rights met, he had friends, he had his sister, and that was enough to be happy- or at least fool people into thinking he was. However, when life keeps dealing you a shitty hand, eventually you get sick of folding and decide to throw the game.  It wasn’t always like this, long ago things were easier. Long before all the girls, all the drugs, all the family drama. Back before his mum died, before his dad left, before Yue- he was happy, or at least he thought he was but as he sat and pondered this, maybe he never really was.  </p><p>It was in sixth grade when he first started to think like this. It seemed like just an ordinary Tuesday night, he did his homework, he ate dinner and bathed with little hassle before making his way onto the roof. Sokka often climbed on the roof to unwind from the day’s events- it wasn’t that the day had been stressful, but more like his energy had just been depleted. As he lay down watching the stars, he barely registered his mother’s screams or his sisters’ cries.  It wasn’t until two days later when he was sitting in an office with a weird hooked-nose lady, that Sokka had understood what happened. A robber had entered the house, murdered his mother and his sister saw the whole thing. The lady was here to help him through the ordeal and learn to cope with his emotions, but Sokka felt nothing.</p><p>Three months later, Sokka and Katara moved in with their grandmother, their dad had decided to accept a higher paying position than his current one within the military and was being deployed overseas. Hakoda claimed this decision was to better support his kids, after all, they only had one income now- especially considering Gran-Gran was retired but Sokka knew better, it was a coping mechanism. Hakoda was burying himself in his work in order to escape his wife’s death, and while doing that, he was abandoning his kids. Katara had clung to Hakoda begging him not to go, Sokka merely watched in solemn silence. Katara cried Hakoda told her she had to be a brave girl, and that if she was ever scared to remember she had Sokka by his side. He mentioned they could skype, write letters and he’d be home soon, but it didn’t calm Katara. Hakoda simply hugged his kids and left. Sokka held his sobbing sister, who was consumed with worry, fear and sadness but Sokka- he felt nothing. Over the next five years, Hakoda came and went. He had developed a routine; He was usually gone for five months, home for three weeks, then back again. He was always staying at some barrack is the middle of nowhere which always had bad cell service, making it impossible to keep in touch. Whenever Hakoda left the barracks, he would give a quick call. They usually came late night due to the time zone difference, but regardless, the two siblings would sit in front of a computer for 20 minutes until their father had to get back to work. As soon as the call ended, Katara would cry, Sokka would hold her, as they both wished the calls could’ve last longer. Sokka almost wished they were back living on bases and moving every three months again. Despite the hindrance to their social lives and school experiences- at least Katara was happy, and dad was around.</p><p>The next situation came when Sokka entered his sophomore year and came to the sudden realisation Katara didn’t need him anymore. Katara had befriended a fellow freshman by the name of Aang, and almost simultaneously she disappeared from Sokka’s life. Although only platonic, the pair was smitten. They spent almost every waking moment together and were a constant form of support for each other. As much as Sokka was glad Katara had found a true friend, Sokka couldn’t help but feel as if his life purpose had vanished. So, Sokka went searching for a new one and instead found drugs. At first, Sokka thought drugs came with social expectations, after all, the kids he got them from were all a certain kind of person. In order to fit the mould Sokka began skipping school, he let his grades slip, and fell in deep with this new crowd. Of course, that didn’t last long. It was so out of character for Sokka, that Gran Gran had immediately caught on and called his father. Hakoda had left work immediately to deal with the situation and he was furious. He confiscated the drug, grounded Sokka and cut off Sokka financially. But what Hakoda didn’t realise is that those drugs, using them Sokka had felt something and once you experience brief happiness, there was no way on earth you can stop. So Sokka got a job at the Jasmine Dragon, he learnt about drugs, learnt what worked with his body and what didn’t and suddenly Sokka was Euphoric. This newfound emotion filled him like a bubbling brook and suddenly his life turned around. He became captain of the lacrosse team, his science and maths grades skyrocketed, and he met Yue. For the first time in his life, things were perfect. But then it happened….</p><p>
  <em>“Dude… This was supposed to be a prank… We didn’t… We didn’t”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She hung there like a ghost in the night. The moonlight illuminating her pale form… Why was she so pale?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He’s not gonna believe us, idiot! Just Run!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sokka reached for her, lowering her down. She didn’t look right. Her neck was bent at an odd angle and the colour had faded from her cheeks.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Please don’t turn us in-” the voiced faded, footsteps replaced them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Despite these weird flaws, she looked so beautiful…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sokka?” Katara whispered, her voice cracking…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She was so beautiful…. But why was she so cold?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sokka…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Y-yue…” Was all he managed to choke out.</em>
</p><p>Yue was dead. Yue the beautiful head-cheerleader with a heart of gold was dead. Killed in an act of school rivalry. Killed in a fucked excuse of a prank.</p><p>The murderers- <em>that’s the word Sokka will use because that’s what they are</em>; argued that all they were trying to do is mock Yue’s goddess-like reputation, in order to knock her down a peg before the homecoming queen was selected. They cried and mourned, playing innocent- like they didn’t mean to kill her. But despite their fluttering eyelashes and fake tears, they were the ones who forced her to don such traditional clothing, they were the ones who wrapped the rope around her neck, they were the ones who strung her up high and killed her under the moonlight. It was a crime, and Sokka thought surely the police would do something. After all, Sokka had to endure over a year of court sessions and the evidence was clear as day. But still, the group of murderers walked free and Sokka’s lust for emotion died. He changed up his routine, no longer wanting happiness, he switched the illicit substances he was taking and welcomed back numbness. As a result, Sokka’s behaviour dramatically shifted, and everyone blamed it on the grief. That seemed to work in Sokka’s favour. Hakoda returned Sokka’s financial access, Gran Gran stopped forcing Sokka to do so much around the house, Katara and Aang started hanging around Sokka, bring with them many friends, the school became lenient on his grades and universities still granted him scholarships due to his sporting ability. The only one who didn’t hand him shit was Iroh. At first, Sokka was annoyed, Iroh knew firsthand what Sokka was going through, but the man didn’t let Sokka off the hook with anything. Instead, Iroh treated him like a human being, he offered Sokka warm arms to vent into, worthwhile advice and just somewhere safe to be without judgement. The two grew close, and soon It was no surprise to Iroh that Sokka started hanging at the shop outside of his shift hours. Sokka was thankful for Iroh. So, when Iroh’s nephew had rocked up both emotionally and physically damaged, Sokka took it as an opportunity to repay Iroh’s kindness. As for offering Zuko to move in with him- well that wasn’t really a problem. After all, he had space, he had the money, so why not take some weight off the old man’s shoulder and help out his nephew. So, he gave the offer.</p><p>“Guess you’re living with me then” Sokka hadn’t intended for it to sound like an order, but he also knew deep down that he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Zuko, however, saw the assertive attitude as confusing.  </p><p>“Uh-”</p><p>“It’s not up for debate. I’ve got a spare room. Use it.”</p><p>“I can’t pay you rent. I don’t have a job”</p><p>“Dude. I didn’t say you had to. Stay with me. Get on your feet, and then we can talk about rent if you want. Okay? I work two jobs and I don’t have to pay for college. I don’t mind”</p><p>“…Okay…” Well, that was as good as a yes as he was going to get.</p><p>It didn’t take long for Sokka to have Zuko settled in, the guy just didn’t have that much stuff. Considering the only thing Zuko really but in the guest-bedroom was a blanket, a few class supplies and a duffle bag filled with clothes that were basically falling apart, Sokka decided to splurge on a shopping spree. Zuko insisted he was fine having next to no possessions. He had what he needed, and that was enough, it was how he survived on the streets. But Sokka took one look at the beat-up converse Zuko was wearing and dragged the smaller man to the mall. Zuko had spent the entire drive there arguing, continuing to beg Sokka not to waste his savings on Zuko.</p><p>“I know what my uncle pays, it’s not much. Please don’t waste your money” Zuko pleaded, but little did Sokka know about the card his dad supplied him with for emergencies, and well Hakoda was currently out of the country, so Sokka decided emergency was up to him to define. Sokka assured Zuko he was not short on money, as he began to hold items of clothing against Zuko’s body, trying to picture them on the guy.</p><p> “Not nearly emo enough” Sokka chuckled, tossing the shirt away as he skimmed through some other options, handing some items here and there to Zuko. “C’mon time to try them on” Zuko huffed, carrying the garments in the changing rooms, pulling the curtain back with enough force to imitate a slamming door. Sokka patiently waited, half expecting a fashion show, but after a while of silence, Sokka became concerned.</p><p>“You okay in there?”</p><p>“…I’m fine…”</p><p>“You don’t sound fine I’m coming in”</p><p>“What NO! I’m-” Sokka cut Zuko off by pulling back the curtain and stepping inside.  Zuko was standing there in his briefs, examining his back in the mirror. His flesh was covered in red scratches which contrasted starkly against his pale skin. Sokka bit his lip, trying not to abuse the situation and check out Zuko up close. Sure, he got a small glance at Iroh’s place, but in this tiny cubicle, designed for only one person, Sokka was able to take note of every line, bump, scar, indent, mark etc. But those scratches looked red and painful, Sokka couldn’t help but feel sorry for the guy and wonder what caused them.  </p><p>“Okay! My sister will have some ointment that will clear those scratches right up. I’ll ask her to drop some off tonight” He said awkwardly, trying to ignore the fact he could feel Zuko’s hot breath on his skin.</p><p>“Thankyou…” Zuko whispered still kind of frozen in his position. Sokka nodded.</p><p>“The clothes fit?”</p><p>“Yeah… they’re a bit pricey though…”</p><p>“Its fine dude. Really. My dad’s a high ranking soldier who never spends any money. If we don’t spend it. Who will?” Zuko chuckled slightly at the mindset.</p><p>Sokka’s eyes examined Zuko’s body once more.  “Oh my god, you need new briefs, these are like so tattered. What size are you? I'll grab some off the shelf!” Sokka gasped dramatically, changing the topic from family.</p><p>Zuko blinked “Um I honestly don’t know.”</p><p>“There’s probably a tag. Let me see” without thinking Sokka stepped forward, clutching the waistband of Zuko’s underwear. Zuko froze, his breath hitch at the sudden and unexpected contact. Sokka merely rolled the elastic back slightly reading the number and letting go. “ok. You’re a 28. I'll grab some”</p><p>“O…o…okay.” Zuko clutched the clothing tightly in hands, not daring to move a muscle until Sokka was out of sight as Sokka strutted to the underwear section, completely baffled by his actions.</p><p>“God Sokka you’re an idiot. Get a crush on the emo kid who’s just gotten out of a toxic relationship and is relying on you for help. THAT’S REAL HEALTHY SOKKA. Real healthy. You’re not a red flag at all. God, you’re an idiot.” Sokka mumbled to himself… Maybe this was a mistake.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Pain lets me know im alive</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Zuko has a panic attack, Sokka's caught at a bad time but still wants to help</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tw: self harm, indication of drug use</p><p>- song: Antidote - Faith Marie</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Ever since he was little, Zuko had been a quiet person, his mind, however, was loud. It was always mocking him, forcing Zuko to not only doubt himself but others as well. His Uncle Iroh had called it anxiety, it was a term Zuko had come to know well.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>At the bright, bold age of five, Zuko had his first panic attack. The waves came crashing down around him, dragging his small frame towards the sandbank. Zuko hit the ground with a painful thud, numerous shells digging into his skin. The sudden impact caused Zuko to gape, allowing water to fill his lungs. Despite his age, Zuko knew if he didn’t reach the surface he was going to die, so he struggled to force his way through the waves. But the tides were merciful, pulling his body one way as the large water mass kept pushing him down another. His mind tormented him, promising death for his weakness, so Zuko eventually gave up trying. It wasn’t until his father’s strong arms pulled him from the water that the attack truly started. Ozai held his small figure close, performing intricate hand movements against the small of Zuko’s back, forcing water from Zuko’s lungs.  At first, his father had presumed Zuko’s body was just shaking due to the lack of oxygen, but even after Zuko had emptied the contents of his lungs and stomach, his body still shook, and his breathing was still rapid. Ozai knew what was happening, he experienced it several times himself as a young teen (his own father hadn’t been the nicest of men) and he began speaking Zuko through the panic. It took 20 minutes for Zuko to completely recover, but still, he refused to move from his father’s arms all day.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Zuko experienced his next attack when he was eight years old. Azula had forced Zuko to watch a scary movie with her and by the time Zuko had gone to bed, he was scared senseless. At first, he thought he could handle it after all Azula was younger than him and she wasn’t scared of silly stuff like this, but he found himself struggling. All he could picture was the screams of the dismembered victims, and blood, lots of blood. So, when Zuko felt his body begin to shake he screamed out for his parents. Ozai grumpily wondered into Zuko’s room, only to be met with his shaking son, cocooned in a blanket. He personally didn’t have the energy to deal with his son’s antics tonight, but still, he scooped Zuko up, mumbling some words under his breath and carried the boy into his bedroom. Ozai plopped Zuko on the bed, allowing Zuko to lie between him and Ursa before turning over and ignoring his son. Zuko’s heart began to pound, his breathing became rapid, and his mind screamed at him. But when Ursa’s cold hand touched his cheeks and she began to sing softly, his mind silenced, the images vanished, and instead he spent the night in his mother’s embrace, breathing in her perfume.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As Zuko aged, he became more aware of his environment and with it, his anxiety increased. Not only was he able to understand the complexities of his social situation within the schoolyard or his extracurricular activities, but he also started to realise his position at home. Zuko and his sister were game pieces in a sick battle between his parents. Sure, their parents loved them, but they hated each other more, and because of that, the two siblings suffered. Zuko belonged to his mother, Azula to his father, and just like a game of chess, to get to the king/queen, you had to take out the other pieces first. So, if Ozai was pissed at Ursa, he’d direct it at Zuko, usually making the boy suffer from physical violence- it was the best way to get under her skin. Ursa, however, knew that violence was something Ozai was accustomed to, so rather than bring physical harm to Azula, she preferred psychological torture. The two kids had spoken about this, numerous times and had agreed their safest course of action was to stay close to the parent that favoured them. Although this put a strain on their relationship- especially considering they had to pretend to hate each other in public, the two were always there for each other. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, it wasn’t exactly a surprise when Azula had rushed to Zuko’s side with fear-filled eyes telling him to hide. She dragged her brother into the treehouse, hiding him under a blanket, admitting she had overheard Ozai threatening to kill Zuko while fighting with Ursa. Apparently, their mother had had an affair, which to Ozai meant a debt had to be paid. As fear consumed Zuko, he began to hyperventilate and Azula was at a loss on what to do. She tried to get her brother to drink water, tried to get him to breathe, to calm down, but nothing was working. It was then that Azula decided to swallow her pride and run to Ursa for help. She was met with harsh words and insults, but Zuko got the help he needed. Ursa scooped the boy in her arms, cooing at him, kissing his head lovingly. It broke Azula’s heart that her mother didn’t give her that kind of affection, but it didn’t matter, as that very night Ursa disappears and Zuko’s anxiety increased tenfold.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ozai assumed Ursa had run off with her lover, Zuko had to pay the price. He was used and abused, manipulated and burnt, screamed at and tortured, all to get back at Ursa, despite the fact she wasn’t even there. That’s how Zuko learnt to be quiet, no matter how loud his mind was screaming. It was safer not to be heard- that was until the age of thirteen when Zuko made the biggest mistake of his life. His father’s co-worker was leading the board of directors through a demolition plan, which would eradicate a total of three homeless shelters and replace them with a mini-mall. Zuko spat at him, calling him heartless and cruel, Ozai met those words with iron and burnt Zuko’s face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The pain the incident had brought, undid any ounce of growth Zuko had managed so far and allowed him to regress into the anxious child he once was. Every single night Zuko woke up in a sweat, panting for air, tears streaming down his face. He was consumed by panic and fear and he had no idea how to overcome it. This behaviour became a hindrance to Ozai, after all, having a teenage son who could barely handle leaving the house was quite the embarrassment. So, Ozai invested in therapy. Well, at least that’s where the investment started, but Zuko was a quiet person with a loud mind- he just wouldn’t let those thoughts leave his mouth. When therapy failed Ozai paid for hypnotists, herbalists exercises scientists even neurologists! But it wasn’t until Zuko was institutionalised at age fifteen and heavily medicated that things began to work in his favour. Sure, the medication helped Zuko, and actually the institution was a lot safer than home, but for Zuko, the place was still hell.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>When he was released at aged eighteen, Zuko’s rights were signed over to Ozai. Due to Ozai’s powerful position in society, Zuko’s independent freedom vanished, and any hope of escaping his father was fleeting. He had one of two options, be treated like a child, in which his father had the legal right to make any and every decision on Zuko’s behalf (this was due to Zuko’s issues) or go back to the institution. So Zuko bit his tongue, and watch his future vanish.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>At aged twenty-two, Zuko had snapped. After curfew, He had gone drinking at a bar with some classmates and it resulted in him being escorted back home by police. A fight between Ozai and Zuko had sparked, Zuko was shouting at his father about how controlling and manipulative he was. Telling his father, he was a grown man and didn’t need a fucking babysitter every second. Ozai had argued back that Zuko’s public intoxication that night demonstrated exactly why Zuko couldn’t be trusted. Zuko’s body entered panic. But despite his trembling limbs or his sharp breathing, Zuko stood his ground. Ozai groaned, grabbing his son by the shoulder dragging him to his bedroom.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“This right here Zuko. This is why! A simple conversation and your body just decided to shut down! I do what I do! To protect you!” He hissed. Zuko went to argue back, but his father had already stormed off, leaving Zuko to manage his anxiety on his lonesome. That night, Zuko packed his things and ran away.</em>
</p><p>Zuko had a long history of anxiety, and after briefly informing Sokka of his diagnosis, his new roommate was more than happy to make some helpful adjustments. Maybe that’s why when the all too familiar symptoms develop, Zuko texted Sokka for help.</p><p>
  <em>I can’t breathe.</em>
</p><p>The text had sent, as Zuko choked on air, desperately trying to calm down. To be honest, Zuko wasn’t even sure if Sokka was home. The man had a very busy life, with class, training and his two jobs, Zuko only really saw him for a couple of hours in the morning, then from about 10 pm to midnight each night. The two of them still bonded regardless, a board game here, a cheesy movie there, it was nice and Zuko had found himself really enjoying staying at Sokka’s. But regardless, Sokka didn’t respond to the text. It was only like 8 pm but still, Zuko found himself wishing the man was here. However, he wasn’t, he was alone, and that frightened Zuko.</p><p>Dropping his phone, Zuko began to spiral. Desperate to snap himself out of it, he mentally recited his mantras and turned on the sink- hoping the cold water would help. He splashed the water on his face, moving his fingers through his hair as his panic began to overwhelm him. Frustrated tears fell, as Zuko tugged his hair, begging that the sensation would distract him. The small tinge of pain cause Zuko’s thoughts to tunnel; focusing on one sensation rather than them all.</p><p>Suddenly, Zuko froze and began questioning the ideas suddenly flooding in. Pain could settle his mind. That much was obvious, but was it worth it? Zuko decided it was and Immediately threw open the cupboard, looking for something that could fulfil his sudden desire. His eyes landed on a manicure kit, as he fumbled through it, pulling out the tiny scissors. Pressing the small metal tool to his skin, Zuko felt a whelm of relief wash over him. Sure, there was blood, a lot of blood, but the satisfaction the injury brought was worth it.</p><p>Zuko watched in a daze as the blood drizzled down his arm, pooling in the sink. As Zuko’s mind started to clear, he couldn’t help but wonder why he had never done this before. Maybe it was because, for the first time in his life, other people weren’t causing him pain. It was a constant that, although unhealthy, Zuko had come to rely upon. Ozai beat him, Azula (although only doing it to protect herself) bullied him, Jet raped him, the police, man-handled him, the doctors drugged him. The pain was a constant, and without it to remind him he was alive, Zuko couldn’t survive. All at once, the bathroom door abruptly opened to reveal Sokka.</p><p>“Sorry I didn’t text back my phone di-” Sokka cut himself off, ripping the hand towel off the hook, pressing it Zuko’s arm. He cussed, applying pressure to the wound, as he reached for Zuko’s phone on the floor. Zuko stared at the man blankly, watching as Sokka called someone for help. Sokka wrapped an arm around Zuko, escorting him to the couch, while still holding his arm in an upright position, trying to minimise blood flow. Sokka began to ramble, but the words went in one ear and out the others, as he leant back into the couch cushions.</p><p>Not long later, Katara and Aang entered, worry glued to their faces. Sokka released Zuko, allowing Katara to take his place as she proceeded to stitch up the wound. Once sealed and bandaged, Katara handed Zuko some meds and fluids and proceeded with a lecture regarding the dangers of self-mutilation. When the clock struck about 10 pm, Zuko’s mind had returned to him, and the annoying tone of Katara’s ongoing lecture had triggered a headache. Zuko just groaned.</p><p>“O-Okay! I get the picture geez, please just be quiet” Katara’s brow furrowed,</p><p> “Do you understand how stupid that was?” She spat, but Zuko just waved her off, deciding to lie down on the couch, his head falling into Sokka’s lap.</p><p>For the past hour, Sokka had silently let Katara lecture Zuko, instead choosing to pick at his own fingers, seamlessly lost in his own mind. However, the sudden movement snapped him back into reality, causing Sokka to squirm slightly in his spot.</p><p>“Sorry… I can move…” Zuko whispered, going to sit back up.</p><p>“N-no no no. It’s okay. Stay” Sokka whispered, letting his hands fall into Zuko’s hair. Zuko was a bit confused by Sokka’s tone but remained in his position. After all, Sokka was safe, and Katara was exactly helping his mindset right now. However, as Zuko lay there, feeling the way Sokka’s fingers moved, or listening to his bodily sounds, Zuko started to realise something was wrong, Sokka seemed to on edge.</p><p>“Well… Keep your fluids up Zuko… and eat something. You’ll call me if anything goes south again right Sokka?” Katara asked, but Sokka didn’t respond. “Sokka!” Katara repeated, causing the man to dramatically snap his head in her direction. Why was he so skittish? “Can you do that for me?”  She repeated</p><p>“I can’t… I need to go to work…” He responded, drumming his fingers lighting against Zuko’s scalp.</p><p>“It’s 10 pm, no you don’t. This is when you get home from work. Sokka what are you hiding?”</p><p>“I just... I left my textbooks there.”</p><p>“Then take Zuko with you! I don’t think he should be alone right now!”</p><p>“I can’t.”</p><p>“Why not”</p><p>“He doesn’t have- er clearance?” It sounded more like a question</p><p>“To the dragon-? Iroh owns it. Of course, he’s allowed in”</p><p>“No, no- to my other job. I work a lot.” He was quick to defend himself</p><p>“What another one?”</p><p>“Bartender?” Again, a question.</p><p>“You tend bars?” Katara raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“Yep~”</p><p>“I have never seen you make a cocktail in your life…”</p><p>“Well, I do. You don’t know everything about me.” Sokka snapped defensively, glaring at his sister. Zuko raised an eyebrow confused.</p><p>“Sokka… Show me your arms.”</p><p>“what?”</p><p>“I said show me your arms.” Katara stepped forward, grabbing her brother’s wrists and tugging at his sleeves. Sokka slapped her hands away, frustrated, however, Aang seeing the desperate look in his girlfriend’s eyes held Sokka down as Katara removed her brother’s jacket.</p><p>Katara took a step back, looking at her brother’s skin, noticing the scattered purple bruises and track marks along his veins. Her mouth fell open, tears welling in her eyes as she tried to figure out a response. She decided on backhanding him across the face.</p><p>“You bastard! Really! You’re up to this bullshit again! I thought we were over this!” she hissed, gaining a puzzled loo from Zuko. Aang took Katara in his arms, looking sadly at Sokka. Sokka’s hand flew to his cheek as he glared at Katara before snatching his jacket from his sister, pushing Zuko off his lap in the process.</p><p>“Get out.” He spat at Katara.</p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>“Katara I love you but get the fuck out of my house” Sokka spoke, gritting his teeth.</p><p>“I’m not leaving until you deal with this!”</p><p>“Fine!” Sokka snapped, shrugging his jacket on, taking his keys and walking away.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Deal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sokka thinks back on the last confrontation he had regarding his drug addiction. Then a deal is struck.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ive recently gone back and done a edit/spell check of the chapter. If you see a huge error please let me know!</p><p>Tw: drug abuse, mention of child abuse.</p><p>Song: sober - demi lavato</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Growing up, Sokka always got annoyed when teachers put up dumb posters like 'Cool kids stay in school', 'hugs, not drugs' or some dumb shit like that. It wasn’t that he thought their intention was bad, but rather the way they tried to present the topic made him feel like his addiction was laughable. So, as a bit of a fuck you, he'd take out a sharpie and deface the poster to try and make himself feel better. It wasn’t until senior year that a poster actually had an impact. The poster depicted an angel falling from grace, and with it, the words 'Drugs take you to hell disguised as heaven were written in black ink'. Sokka decided not to deface this particular poster. It took ages for Sokka to figure out why the preventative poster had gotten to him. It took ‘til later that night that he realised it was because it spoke the truth: Sokka was a prime example of that. He took the drugs to achieve the emotions he lacked. Sure, at first there was no downside, but that’s the problem with drugs, problems never lie in the early stages. But soon it develops into an intense hunger and the only thing that can satisfy it are those illicit substances. Sokka was suffering big time and knowing what the long-term consequences would bring, he made the big decision to get help. It was time to talk to his dad. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Luckily, Hakoda was currently on leave and would be for at least another week. So, after school had finished, Sokka skipped lacrosse practice and headed home, hoping to snag dad before Katara got home from debate practice. Racing inside, Sokka found Hakoda lying on the couch scrolling through his phone. Surprised by his son's early arrival, Hakoda raised an eyebrow. Sokka just stood awkwardly in the doorway, avoiding eye contact.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Uh- what happened to lacrosse?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"...I-i... dad I need help" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hakoda sat up, sensing the importance of the incoming conversation based on the quiet manner of Sokka's voice. Patting the couch cushion beside him, Hakoda invited his son close. Sokka followed suit.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What do you need help with? Something happened at school?" Sokka just shook his head no, fiddling with his fingers. To Sokka, Hakoda's opinion of him was the only one that mattered, and knowing he was about to change that was terrifying. Hakoda acknowledged his son's anxiety, wrapping an arm around him and sighed. "Whatever it is you can tell me." Sokka leaned into his father hold, savouring the moment.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You're gonna be mad..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I won’t be mad."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You will be."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I promise I won’t be mad Sokka, just tell me so I can help you" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hakoda offered a soft smile as Sokka took a deep breath and unzipped his bag, deciding it was better to show not tell. He pulled out a small zip-locked bag containing a few joints, a couple of syringes, some heroin and a lighter, handing it to Hakoda. Hakoda accepted the package, inspecting it with pure shock. Sure, he was aware Sokka had done drugs in the past, but he was assured it was a once-off. He hadn’t seen any evidence of Sokka supporting such a habit in years. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What the fuck Sokka!" Hakoda's hands shook slightly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You said you wouldn’t be mad!" There was pain in Sokka's voice. Hadoka took a deep breath tossing the packet on the coffee table, running his hands through his hair. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How long Sokka?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"...." Sokka looked down. "... I never stopped." Hakoda bit his lip, trying not to be angry. Sokka came to him about this: asked for help, anger wouldn’t do any good. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It was just weed last time Sokka, that’s not serious... but this... Sokka. This shit's dangerous"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why then... what made the-" he clicked... "Is this because of what happened with Yue?" Sokka shrugged softly, tear falling as Hakoda sighed. Not sure what to do.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Are you still seeing a therapist?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"...no..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That changes... I'll ask Gran Gran to book an appointment." Hakoda reached for his phone, typing up an email requesting more leave time as he talked. "How bad is this Sokka? How often?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Not very...." he lied. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Good... it stops. Tonight. It’s not gonna be a fun experience getting it out of your system." Sokka grimaced at the thought. "You're of course grounded... nothing outside of school, work or training." There were only 3 months left of Sokka's senior year and like hell Hakoda was allowing his son to fuck it up. Sokka merely gave another nod, choking back a sob, as Hadoka wrapped his arms around the boy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You'll get through this Sokka... You'll get through this"</em>
</p><p>Of course, not that Hakoda knew but Sokka didn’t get through it. No matter how many times he tried to stay clean, life was just so much fucking easier with drugs. So, when Sokka graduated he made the conscious decision to abandon everything his dad taught him and continue his habit in secret. He didn’t care about the consequences. So-what, if he was living in a shitty little apartment? so what, if he had to work two jobs? so what, if he wasn’t the healthiest of people? The drugs kept him happy and weren’t it better for him to be here walking on this earth rather than floating dead in a river? But his family just didn’t understand that Katara had made it obvious.</p><p>So, he lied. Working two jobs while at college explained the dark circles under his eyes, the stress of a scholarship explained the bloodshot eyes and therapy explained why he needed to go out alone. Didn’t feel like eating? A new diet that the coach had put him on. Going through withdrawals due to lack of funds? The flu. Disoriented and distracted? Well, blame that on his antidepressants. It was a lie, after lie, but it worked, at least it did until he received that message from Zuko. Now his cover was blown, he was alone, and desperate need of a hit. </p><p>He was already on edge- it had been days since his last hit, but now with his anger and fear bubbling to the surface, he needed it more than ever. Therefore, it wasn’t really a surprise that he subconsciously drove to his dealer's home base. </p><p>Sokka shoved his hands in his pocket, entering the dimly lit night club. For a Wednesday night, the place was crowded. It smelt of piss and weed, but that was nothing compared to the sweaty bodies which were packed together by the dozen. Sokka honestly hated the club, but when Zhao wasn’t answering his phone it was the only way to get a hold of him. With that in mind, Sokka took a seat at the bar, hoping the raven-haired beauty behind it would be able to assist him. The woman turned to him; scowl placed on her face as she asked him what he wanted.</p><p>"I’m looking for Zhao"</p><p>"He's in a meeting"</p><p>"It’s important!" The woman rolled her eyes, leading Sokka to a booth. "Dickhead. Someone wants you"</p><p>Two men raised their gaze to meet Sokka. One Sokka recognized as his dealer, the other was an older gentleman whose scowl matched the woman beside him, a man Sokka recognized as Zuko's father. </p><p>"Ozai, I do ask that you remind your daughter to watch how she addresses me" Zhao mumbled.</p><p>"Azula runs this club Zhao, as long as you work from it, she can address you how she likes." Zhao scoffed annoyed turning to Sokka. </p><p>"Well if it isn’t my favourite junkie~ here for a top-up?" Sokka nodded softly, avoiding eye contact, praying Ozai didn’t recognize him from the Jasmine Dragon, however, it would seem he jinxed himself. Ozai rose from his chair, grabbing Sokka's chin to examine him. </p><p>"Well look at this, Zhao, I know this little junkie, he works for my fat, lazy brother" </p><p>"Since when have you bothered learning about uncles’ staff?" The woman: Azula huffed. </p><p>"Since your brother made another appearance. This young man was helping in the search. You see anything yet boy?" Sokka shook his head no, as Ozai stared deep into Sokka's eyes. "You're lying." He tightened his grip on Sokka's jaw. </p><p>Suddenly Zhao waved a small packet in front of Sokka's face. "You want this, you'll answer the man's questions. If not. You can go another week without" Sokka stared at Zhao with fear, unsure if he could handle another night without a hit, let alone a whole week. As much as Sokka wanted to protect Zuko (especially considering this man seemed like bad news) desperation had replaced every fibre of his being. So, he decided to feed half-truths. </p><p>"Yes... I've seen him. He's been on campus a lot." He said quietly. </p><p>"So, he's going to class. Well, at least he’s not making a mockery of the family name. Now you listen here; <em>Sokka was it</em>? You're going to do me a little favour. You're going to go make friends with my boy okay? And you see if you can get him to come here one night alright? Zuko is a very sick boy, he's not right in the head. I need my son home. Do you understand!" As he spoke, Ozai grasped the back if Sokka's neck forcing him to gaze straight into his eyes. The golden orbs glared at him with such intensity, that Sokka couldn’t help but gulp in fear. "And if you do that little thing, bring him just out for a drink here. That's it. I'll make sure you have a lifetime supply of this shit free of charge. Sound like a good deal?" Sokka reached out for the packet, (which now sat in Ozai's hand desperately). Ozai moved his hand away. "Do we have a deal?"</p><p><em>Fuck off asshole. No way. I'll do everything to keep Zuko safe from you. </em>"Okay..." Ozai smiled, patting Sokka's cheek. </p><p>"Good kid, here. On the house. Azula escorted him out please." he chucks Sokka the package and turns back to Zhao. The woman took a hold of his arm, leading him out the back door. As soon as they were out of sight, she shoved him against the wall, holding a small blade to his throat.</p><p>"Don’t you dare touch my brother." and with that warning, she left. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Capabilities</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Zuko hates how much Sokka's life reminds him of the institution</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tw: mentions of self harm. Implied child abuse.</p><p>Song: bad child - tones and i</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Zuko hated the colour white. It was cold, it was impersonal, it was distant. It was the perfect colour to condition, vulnerable people, into a false sense of security. They tried to pass it off as moral high ground but Zuko knew the truth. Zuko knew what these people were capable of. These white walls, bland furniture and pale lights were here for one reason and one reason only: To brainwash patients into submission. After all, that's why Ozai had sent Zuko here. His father had wanted a normal son who would follow his orders blindly. Zuko tried to resist he did, but the fact he was sick made it very easy for Ozai to manipulate Zuko's world. So, he spent his days keeping to himself. After all, if they knew what went on his mind, it was just one step closer to erasing Zuko’s very identity but that never stopped these 'doctors' from trying. Therapy sessions were their favourite way to do this. Usually, they were one on one, but today Zuko had been forced into a group session. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He stared around the group around him, everyone seemed to blend into a sea of blank faces. They all were expressionless, donning nothing but white attire and speaking in monotones. Even when they discussed the most horrifying things, not once did any form of expression escape their lips. It disgusted Zuko, especially by the way the current speaker resembled stone as she recalled her past experience of drowning a tabby cat in a bathtub. Zuko shuddered at his words, trying to escape into his own headspace but the doctor had other plans and chose to address him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Zuko. You have haven’t said a word for the last hour. Anything you’d like to share?" She asked, tapping her pen against the clipboard impatiently. Zuko shook his head no, diverting his gaze to the window. He really wanted to go outside. "Zuko it's been three months honey, you'll have to share eventually" Zuko just ignored her, watching a bird fly around in circles. The doctor got up and snapped the blinds shut, forcing Zuko's gaze on her. "We are having a conversation Zuko, please have your eyes on me. Now how about we talk about your hair. You stole a knife from the kitchen staff and cut it all off. Why?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Zuko just glared at the lady. "How about if you answer some questions, I'll let you have some outside time?" Now, this piqued Zuko's interest. He sat up straight glancing at the lady telling you to continue. "How did you get the knife?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It was one of mine"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You have knives"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Many"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Where?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hidden"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Protection" The doctor sighed, standing up to inform a guard to conduct another search of Zuko's room. </em>
</p><p><em>"As everyone is aware Zuko has been sedated for the last 3 days since the incident. He'll be coming off soon is everyone okay with that. I don’t want anyone to feel in danger." Everyone around the group nodded in approval as Zuko glared again. To be honest, if it wasn’t for the drug, he'd probably be really snarky right now, but he didn’t have the energy to be a little shit, so his socially inept side had risen. </em> <em>"So Zuko, since you're in the sharing mood, let's talk about your hair. You cut it off mid panic after your family left. Why" Zuko fell back to silence. "C’mon Zuko" she encouraged. </em></p><p>
  <em>"Outside first" he mumbled as the doctor gave in. "Fine... I'll organise it."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Consequently, an hour later Zuko was escorted into the garden outside by two security guards and his doctor. Zuko was ecstatic, he loved the sun and having barely felt the sun on his skin in weeks left him distressed. Finding a spot on the grass Zuko kicked bad with a book and basked in the rays but all to quickly a large shadow blocked the golden hue causing Zuko to frown. Zuko looked up to see his father arms crossed, looking down at him, Azula hiding a little behind. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Ah, Mr Agni! It's good to see you. We weren’t aware you were visiting today." The doctor greeted, as Zuko sat up annoyed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We were in the area on business, why is my son the only patient outside?" he asked. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It a bribe." The doctor answered honestly. "We are exchanging info about the incident I called you about in exchange for some sun" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I see." Ozai mumbled "I guess you should be thanking your doctor Zuko. She's spoiling you" Zuko just glanced down back at the tattered copy of pride and prejudice Azula had brought him last time she visited. He had read it about three times since but honestly there wasn’t much to do here. "Zuko!" Ozai threatened as Zuko huffed. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Thank you" he mumbled quietly. Ozai began to talk with the doctor as Azula sat across from Zuko holding out a new book. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Father will only let me bring you a book once I've read it and reported back to him... sorry it's not more often" she spoke, her voice barely audible. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's fine... thank you." He shot her a small smile, which she returned before suddenly switching the topic.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What happened with your hair."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"After the last visit, I... cut it off" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Zuko that's not going to get you out of here faster!" She whisper-yelled.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don’t have anything to defend myself in here Azula... I couldn’t give him more..." Azula sighed, nodding. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Father Zuko's hair is a mess. He needs a barber. Letting him walk around like this is an embarrassment to your name".</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I suppose you're right. I suppose we can organise a day pass and get him groomed. Maybe for Friday?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'll organise that for you right away" the doctor rushed off and returned with a signed piece of paper. Ozai thanked her before pulling his son to his feet. Ozai wrapped an arm around Zuko's shoulder helping him stand. Zuko flinched at the sudden contact, but the addition of Ozai's nails digging into the skin of his arm reminded him of the reality of the situation. The movement was a threat. Keep up the happy family charade or you are dead meat. Zuko tried to shrug off his father’s arm </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"let go. You're hurting me" he mumbled, secretly hoping the doctor heard, but she paid them no mind. Ozai's grip tightened as he turned to the doctor. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"So how has my boy been holding up despite the incident," Ozai asked</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well, we are going to take him off the mild sedatives tomorrow. However, we still do have concerns. He’s not eating very well and still won't socialise with the other patients."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Zuko you're going to be in here a while. I do wish you’d make friends. We are very concerned about you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"They’re all crazy" he spat back. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Zuko, they're just like you," the doctor said sadly. But she was wrong. Zuko wasn’t crazy. His father just blamed Zuko’s injuries on self-mutilation rather than admitting abuse. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm not crazy!" He snapped back, his tone causing the female doctor to jump back slightly and a nearby guard to get close. </em>
</p><p><em>"Look my boy, I understand crazy is a harsh word so let's not use it. But you are ill. But you can’t recover if you're living in denial. Honestly, I'm scared for you. Having these visions of others hurting you while you inflict these injuries on yourself scares me. I just don’t want this to develop into full-blown schizophrenia. I don’t want to lose you."</em> <em>As Ozai spoke, he gently cupped Zuko's cheek. Zuko clenched his fists, shoving his father off him. </em></p><p>
  <em>"Don’t touch me, asshole!" He spat, causing a guard to race in taking hold of Zuko. The boy struggled against him, trying to break free. The guard pulled out a syringe, fear filling Zuko’s eyes as he was injected with a stronger sedative. As his body fell limp, Ozai's words echoed through Zuko's brain and the reality of the situation hit. As long as someone else was telling his story for him, he would never have freedom. </em>
</p><p>The fucked thing was, right now, the apartment in which Sokka and Zuko shared started resembling the institution. Not only was Sokka's story being told for him, but Katara had put together a team of people to prevent Sokka from walking out on his issues. The whole situation made Zuko really uncomfortable. Not only had they violated Sokka's privacy, to search his room for evidence, but they had gotten rid of any and every vice. The reinforcements didn’t help Zuko' nerves. Sure, after the whole situation last night, Zuko expected the gang to show up, but not half the town. Not only was Sokka's friends here, but his teammates, uncle Iroh, his professors and also his dad. Zuko thought it was excessive, but maybe it was just his lack of trust in people. But regardless it didn’t sit right with him, so he snapped. </p><p>"Yeah no. This is not right; you all need to go. Honestly like 5 people max that's it." The large group looked at Zuko confused. "Either that many or none. Make your choice. Out!!" Katara furrowed her brow.</p><p>"What are you doing"</p><p>"Sokka wouldn’t want this"</p><p>"No offence but you've known Sokka for like a month"</p><p>"Regardless, it is my apartment. I legally can kick you out. Those are my terms." Katara went to argue. But the military man claiming to be Sokka's father interjected agreeing with the idea. </p><p>Eventually, people began to filter out until only the gAnng, Iroh and Hakoda remained. However, despite the people leaving, Zuko still was a nervous wreck, so he wondered onto the balcony, lighting a cigarette only to be followed by Iroh.</p><p>Now Zuko loved Iroh. There was no one in the entire world who was safer than this man, and because of that Zuko respected him greatly. The problem was, however, despite having knowledge of Ozai's behaviours, Iroh fell for the self-mutilation belief and that was something Zuko had no idea how to remedy. But still, Iroh only had Zuko’s best interest at heart. He didn’t sell him out to Ozai, kept his secrets and tended to his wound. Iroh was safe and Zuko never wanted to rid him, but still, he struggled to tell where the man stood. </p><p>"My nephew, how are you holding up?" He asked. Zuko gave a shrug and sighed. "I don’t know. To be honest in feeling kind of shitty" he mumbled, taking a drag of his cigarette. Iroh glanced at the bandage around Zuko's arm and looked down sadly.</p><p>"There’s always a silver lining my nephew."</p><p>"Hmm... starting to doubt that uncle." </p><p>"What makes you say that?"</p><p>"Fathers somehow got a hold of my new number and won’t stop calling." </p><p>"Your father is very worried about you Zuko. Maybe it's worth answering him"</p><p>"Father isn’t worried about me. He’s worried I'm going to ruin his reputation."</p><p>"Now you know that's not true. He’s been spending every night looking for you." Zuko scoffed. </p><p>"Only because I got arrested and publicly embarrassed him. He didn’t contact me for months prior to that."</p><p>"You merely popped up in his radar again. It hard looking for someone"</p><p>"For such a wise old man you really are oblivious" Zuko muttered. </p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"Don’t believe every story father feeds you" he mumbled.</p><p>"I hope you two can work this disagreement out. A fighting family isn’t good. I'm sure Azula misses you to"</p><p>"Look just drop it. I don’t want him in my life period. Either respect that decision without an explanation or leave me alone" Zuko spat. Iroh sighed. </p><p>"Very well then" </p><p>But little did Zuko know Iroh knew the full truth. It wasn’t that he was oblivious to what Ozai was capable of but rather he knew too well and he was afraid of what would happen if Ozai had to drag Zuko back home...</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Intervention</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hakoda tries to talk Sokka into getting help.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tw: depictions of drug use.</p><p>Song: cats in the cradle by harry chapin</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Injustice can shake down the pillars of the skies and restore the chaos of the night. <br/>- Horace Mann</p><hr/><p>
  <em>The world was a fucked-up place. It was filled with many dangers, ranging from petty theft to first-degree murder. But no matter the type of crime, justice was never found. It made Sokka sick. These criminals ran around dressed like a wolf in sheep's clothing, corrupting innocent lives. But for what means? Did they do it for money? For revenge? For a reputation? Whatever the intention these people held; it didn’t excuse their actions. After all, there were laws for a reason and if you broke them you had to face the consequences. At least that's what Sokka understood, but that wasn’t the case. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The system was broken, criminals were constantly manipulating it, using bribes, making deals or threats to get their way. Even the youngest of defendants still managed to get their way if they could provide a small fee. Yue's killers were no exception. The group of girls deserved to rot in a cell for the rest of their days, but Sokka supposed people don't always get what they deserved. After all, Yue didn’t deserve to die, did she? But the judge let them walk, and Sokka had been forced home, miserable and defeated.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>After dropping Katara at her friend's house, Sokka plopped on his bed letting a frustrated groan out into his pillow. It wasn’t fair, Yue deserved to be avenged, but all Sokka manage to do was taint her memory, letting it die in vain. He let out another frustrated noise when suddenly a familiar chime came from his phone. Glancing at the photo on the screen, Sokka answered the video call and greeted his dad. Hakoda was standing on the roof of some building as he smiled at Sokka. Sokka assumed by his position and the fact that the video quality was quite poor that his dad didn’t have the greatest of internet service. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How was the sentencing?" Hakoda asked, Sokka just shot an annoyed glare.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"They walked free."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"...I- shit Sokka. I wasn’t expecting that... how are you holding up kiddo?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How do you think! It’s ugh- it’s not fair!" Sokka yelled back.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know buddy... but unfortunately there's nothing we can do. I mean if you really want to, we can push the lawyer to appeal the case. But it's unlikely it’ll lead anywhere, and it could take another year." Sokka didn’t respond he just held his phone and sighed. "I think it's just best to make Yue's memory is not exploited."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How can I even do that... I'm not good at this dad... I'm a failure..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Sokka that's not true. You know how proud I am of you. You are not a failure. Why don't you go visit her father and maybe make a new memorial or something with some of her things?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That's easier said than done."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know... but you'll be okay" As Hakoda spoke, his internet connection started to take a turn for the worst. The picture became pixelated and the sound got patchy. "Sokka. I'm losing connection here. I've got to go... don’t do anything stupid. I love you. Bye-" Hakoda was gone before Sokka even got the chance to say goodbye. </em>
</p><p><em>Sokka rolled over, hugging his pillow, letting tears fall. All he wanted to do is curl up in someone's arms and break down, but Sokka couldn’t do that, he had no one. His dad was away, Katara was too young, and Yue was dead. So, like usual, Sokka lay in bed, contemplating his existence and dealt with his grief in isolation</em>. </p><hr/><p>With a thud, the door swiftly swung open to reveal an exhausted Sokka. He was dressed in workout gear, his gym bag tossed over his shoulder- making it quite obvious where he had been. Sokka rose an eyebrow, glancing at the guests in confusion.</p><p>"It’s like 9 am, why aren’t you all at work or class? Why are you here?" When no one answered, Sokka furrowed his eyebrows, catching a glimpse of Zuko outside. He signalled for the boy to join him, and Zuko almost to eagerly abandoned his conversation with Iroh and headed over.</p><p>"What's going on?" Sokka asked him</p><p>"Take a wild guess" Zuko shrugged, as Sokka groaned.</p><p>"I am not dealing with this today"</p><p>"You don’t have to. If you don’t want to deal with this yet, then I'll support you..."</p><p>"That's an odd thing for a friend to say" Sokka chuckled as Zuko shrugged. </p><p>"You've helped me a lot and asked no questions, it's only fair I give you the same respect."</p><p>"Thank you... can you get these people out of here. Please... I'm gonna take a shower"</p><p>"Sure" </p><p>Sokka left the room to bathe. He wasn’t really one for long showers but considering how well the steam was relaxing him, he stayed longer than usual. After he had scrubbed himself clean, Sokka pulled on a pair of sweatpants and sat on the edge of the bathtub. To be honest, he was afraid to leave the room, he didn’t want to deal with the consequences of his dirty little secret. Katara was pissed at him, that much was obvious, Zuko's father was now blackmailing him and well Hakoda was here and he was probably gonna lecture or something. Sokka just hopped Zuko was able to get everyone to leave. </p><p>Shaking the thoughts from his head, Sokka took a deep breath and removed the hairband from hair, placing it on his bicep. As he looped it around, Sokka hoped that a small high would help manage his emotional state. It would take at least half an hour to kick in, but Sokka was sure he could manage for that long. Once the band was wound tight enough to expose his veins, Sokka prepared the drug and injected into his skin. The liquid rushed through his body, spreading the hot and heavy sensation all the way to the tips of his toes. Sokka let out a muffled groan at the feeling, but he knew it would pass. It wouldn’t be long now till euphoria once again came to claim him and then all would be okay. So, knowing time would go quicker if he went outside, Sokka left the bathroom and headed back out to Zuko.  Sokka spotted Zuko in the kitchen sipping on a cup of coffee, and accompanying cup had been set aside for Sokka. Sokka smiled at his roommate, accepting the beverage taking a seat beside him. He loved how Zuko did small things like this, he even remembers to put a dab of milk and two sugars in, just like Sokka liked. As Sokka drank, he felt Zuko's eyes on him. At first, Sokka assumed Zuko was just staring at his arms (Sokka usually covered them) but after Sokka cocked an eyebrow at him, Zuko donned a blush and suddenly it clicked.</p><p>
  <em>Ohmygodzukoischeckingmeout!</em>
</p><p>Now Sokka had assumed Zuko was gay based on prior interactions he had witnessed between Zuko and Jet, but he had no idea that Zuko found Sokka attractive- this was new information, and if Sokka hadn’t just taken a shitload of heroin, he might’ve actually made a move. But that was for another time when he was clean. So instead he just decided to make conversation. </p><p>"What are you staring at?" Zuko's eyes darted to the floor as he hid behind his cup.</p><p>"You just- um... compliments. You have a nice body" Sokka chuckled.</p><p>"Well, I am the lacrosse captain. Athletes are always ripped." Zuko pouted putting his cup down.</p><p>"Hey! I'm an athlete and I look like a twink"</p><p>"Fencing isn’t a real sport! It doesn’t count!"</p><p>"Bet I could take you down!"</p><p>"Hmmm maybe. Only one way to see, tonight. At sundown. In front of the couch. We duel" Zuko smirked at the challenge.</p><p>"You’re on!" </p><p>All of a sudden, the sound of a cough interrupted their conversation. Sokka turned around to see his father standing behind him, arms cross, demanding attention.</p><p>"Oh, you're still here" Sokka spoke, his voice barely louder than a whisper.</p><p>"Yes, I'm still here. I came as soon as I heard Sokka and I'm not leaving until its sorted." Hakoda's tone was stern, Zuko didn’t like it.</p><p>"You shouldn’t have wasted your leave time based on Katara. She over exaggerates. What she told you probably wasn’t even close to the truth"</p><p>"Is that so. Then why are living in this shithole."</p><p>"HEY! Don’t judge my shithole, I love my shithole." Hakoda just sighed, then turned to Zuko.</p><p>"Do you mind giving us some space?" Sokka shot Zuko a pleasing look, begging him not to go. Zuko got the picture.  </p><p>"I think I'll stay." Hakoda put his hands up in surrender.</p><p>"Fine whatever. I'm still doing this. So Sokka, this is a problem. Let's talk" Sokka took a deep breath and looked at Hakoda.</p><p>"Look, dad. I'm glad to see you. It's been months and I've missed you a lot. Why don’t we go get some breakfast at the diner around the corner and we can catch up."</p><p>"You’re not avoiding this conversation Sokka." </p><p>"I'm fine. Leave it at that." Hakoda stepped forward, grabbing Sokka’s arm pulling it towards him.</p><p>"Sokka your arms are purple and you're bleeding" He hissed, grabbing at tissue putting it against the recent injection site. Sokka let his father clean up the bleeding before tugging his arm from Hakoda's grip.</p><p>"It really doesn’t matter. I'm a functioning adult. I've barely ever missed class or work and I'm ahead in all my studies, so what if I do shit on the side"</p><p>"So, you're telling me it hasn’t gotten in the way of anything?" Hakoda asked.</p><p>"Yes!"</p><p>"Then why did you and Suki break up?" Sokka clenched his jaw, balling up his fists.</p><p>"That has nothing to do with this, and honestly is none of your fucking business!"</p><p>"Don’t you swear at me, young man"</p><p>"Oh my God. You're ridiculous. This situation isn’t even that bad!"</p><p>"Sokka.... are you aware of the long-term effects of heroin? What it's doing to your body!"</p><p>"I know the side effects yes! I've been taking the shit for years! Do I honestly look like I care! Cause I don’t. It makes me happy so why do you care.!" Sokka snapped. </p><p>Hakoda reached out for his son, cupping his cheeks with both hands, as he spoke in a shaky voice.</p><p>"Because I can't lose you too" Sokka darted his gaze away as he took a deep breath.</p><p>"No... you don’t get to use mum to guilt me like this"</p><p>"I'm not trying To. I'm just trying to look out for you Sokka."</p><p>"... I'm fine"</p><p>"Not only is this habit dangerous Sokka, its expensive. What happens if I lose my job, or you lose yours. Would you give the habit up or would you allow it to drag you into poverty?" Sokka didn’t respond. "And that's exactly the problem… now let’s fix this okay. Start at square one, cut you off from the source."</p><p>"...no"</p><p>"Sokka, please. I can’t watch you kill yourself"</p><p>"Fuck you!"</p><p>"Excuse me?" Sokka shoved his dad away, putting space between them.</p><p>"I said fuck you! You don’t get to use guilt to manipulate me. Stop making it seem like I'm some big fuck up. I'm not!"</p><p>"Sokka. I’m just trying to prevent something bad from happening."</p><p>"Oh please! bad things have happened to me my whole life and you didn’t prevent any of that! You weren’t even there!"</p><p>"Sokka, don’t change the topic. We are talking about you here. Not me. Now let's sit down and talk about getting you clean. Katara has gathered some brochures on rehab facilities for us to look through"</p><p>"God! I'm not going to some fucking facility. I don’t need to. I'm fine. Don’t you get it! God, you never get anything.</p><p>"You're not fine! You're addicted. now let's stay on topic. SIT.DOWN.SOKKA!” Hakoda's tone of voice changed, the voice of a military man seeping through. He spoke to Sokka like a general might behave to a misbehaving subordinate. That just pushed Sokka over the edge.</p><p>"No. You don’t get to order me around like you're a part of my life."</p><p>"Sokka!" he stepped closer to his son. </p><p>"Fuck you-" Hakoda reached out and grabbed Sokka's wrists.</p><p>"Calm down. C’mon deep breaths" Sokka tried to tug his arms away but Hakoda kept a firm grip.</p><p>"Why can’t you just leave me alone like you always do!" Sokka's voice began to crack. Hadoka kept hold of Sokka but was careful not to hurt the boy.</p><p>"Sokka. Breathe." tears began to fall from Sokka's eyes.</p><p>"You don’t get to ... you don’t get to"</p><p>"I don’t get to what Sokka? Take a breath and speak slowly."</p><p>"You don’t get to be a part of this. You've never been there before!" Hakoda sighed.</p><p>"I generally don’t understand Sokka. I've always made myself available whenever you needed me. I've always come home for important situations and events."</p><p>"You were still gone!"</p><p>"Because I had to work Sokka. We had to get money somehow."</p><p>"You could've worked here!!" Hakoda released Sokka and sighed.</p><p>"Sokka the military doesn’t pick and choose. They may offer you a job. But you accept the order or take a demotion. If I didn’t accept the order, I wouldn’t have been able to send money to your gran, which means I would’ve had to have you with me... and you would be uprooted every single month."</p><p>"I wouldn’t have cared!"</p><p>"Sokka... you had enough of that as a kid... don’t lie to yourself. You wouldn’t have been okay..."</p><p>"I wasn’t okay with you gone!" He argued back</p><p>"Y-you just ran away straight after mum died. You just left us! So, you don’t get an input... You don’t get to lecture me on my life when you haven’t been there for any of it!!"</p><p>"I've done the best I could Sokka! I've been there for the big moments! I'm here now!</p><p>"No. You've been there for stereotypical milestones. But you weren’t there when we needed you! When I needed you!" Sokka was basically sobbing at this point. Zuko had gotten up and put a hand on his shoulder. It was enough to show support, but still, allow the men to continue their conversation.</p><p>"Sokka... I've done my best... I wouldn’t change what I did. You got to make friends. You got to have a life."</p><p>"What fucking life." Sokka spat. "With you gone I had to take over everything. I had no friends, no one to lean on for support and I had to step into the role of a dad for Katara. The only person I ever had was Yue and she was ripped from me! But when she died. You weren’t there. You were in France! You didn’t come back ‘til a month later. A year of trials, you gave me a five-minute phone call after each. But it didn’t matter that I was struggling. Katara needed someone. Yeah, you were there for birthdays, graduation, holidays and all that. But not that you would know. But I was the one who had to deal with the aftermath of her ex-boyfriend cheating on her. I had to stay up all night to help her study for those big exams she took, I had to deal with the fights she had with Toph, help her try and figure out her feelings for Aang. I went to her parent-teacher interviews and stand up against asshole teachers. I had to take her to doctors’ appointments when she had a pregnancy scare, I was the one who had to teach her home to drive something that I had to pay out of my own pocket to be able to learn. I did everything for her because she had no parents, and I didn’t want her to miss out. But I missed out. I learnt to tie a tie off a YouTube video! I got a job all by myself, with no one to show me how to." Sokka was rambling, but he needed to get this off his chest.</p><p>"I know... I haven’t physically been there a lot of Sokka and I'm sorry. I wish I could’ve, but the world doesn’t work that way. Do you honestly think I want to be away from you guys? I hate it. Gosh... I try to get off as much time as possible, I try to call you. But I couldn’t. There’s nothing more I wanted."</p><p>"Then why didn’t you quit! We needed your dad! I needed you!"</p><p>"I know... but I'm here now so Sokka can we please... just talk about the issues at hand. I know you're hurting buddy, of course, you are. You wouldn’t be in this situation if you weren’t hurting. But let's talk this through, get you out of this rut..."</p><p>"...Do you wanna know why I started" Sokka whispered. "It was just after Yue's funeral. Gran-Gran took Katara home and I was with Yue's father. He was telling me how I was always welcome in their home and he was glad Yue at least got know me... I spoke with him for a long time, he's a lot like you...but it got dark and I started to walk home. On the walk home I consider es d lighting up a blunt, I had a couple. But those make you happy and being happy would be a lie. So, I swung by this dingy nightclub the seniors at my school always hung out, and I met this bloke. For $100 he gave me something that would take the pain away. Make me feel normal again. And fuck it worked. It fucking worked. Everything was numb, which is the feeling I was so used to growing up. I was ecstatic. Because nothing hurt. I went home, I spoke to Katara. Her fucktard boyfriend at the time was over, and I didn’t feel angry, I didn’t feel annoyed. I saw Yue all over the news, it didn’t hurt. I spoke to you on the phone and I didn’t miss you. It worked. So, I took it and I'm going to keep taking it. Because I don’t want to deal with all the bullshit that life decides to toss my way. I found a way that helped me become the person I am today. Thanks to this fucking substance I was able to put my depression behind me and actually make something of myself in spite of the situation you had put me in. If it wasn’t for that drug, I would’ve killed myself that night. So, when I say I'm not going to stop, know that."</p><p>"Sokka... this isn’t healthy"</p><p>"I don’t care. I'm an adult, I can look after myself. After all, I have plenty of experience."</p><p>Hakoda ran his fingers through his hair and sighed.</p><p>"Look I know shit hurts... but I won’t stand back and watch you destroy yourself... I'm putting my foot down Sokka. Enough is enough. You have a choice, willingly accept help getting off this shit, or I'm going to start pulling some strings... I really hope I don’t have to do the latter..."</p><p>Zuko clenched his teeth, snaking his arm around Sokka protectively. That final comment had pissed him off.</p><p>"I think you should go" Hakoda nodded in agreement and silently left. Sokka leant into Zuko’s hold trying to calm down. He guessed Zuko and him had a lot in common. Not only were they both a mess, but their shitty fathers had a lot to do with it. Life was fucking cruel like that.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Touch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Zukos experience with touch.</p><p>Song: Please Dont Touch Me - Raye</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tw: abuse, rape, drugs etc. </p><p>Also: I made a spotify playlist for this story:<br/>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2XF4bl2ogAGwmlUstDJBY8?si=RBdpYKwRSbKR7Y31iRmaQA</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>They say it takes seven years for your cells to completely regenerate. Seven years of trauma, seven years of anguish, seven years of fear ceasing to exist as the body assumes a new form; one that was never touched. That was Zuko’s dream. He wanted to survive to the point where his flesh would hold no memories, where the fingerprints which scarred him would fade away and he would be left with a blank canvas; ready for him and only him to fill. He had plans, like most kids of his generation, he wanted to get tattoos. But Zuko didn’t just want any random piece of ink. He wanted to feel beautiful, he wanted to be ink from head to toe of flowers in flesh bloom. He didn’t care if no one else like it: he would, and it would be his personal symbol of hope- that his body was his and his alone. </em>
</p><p>Zuko never used to think like this. Like most mentally ill adults, Zuko's fear of touch was rooted deep in trauma and didn’t develop until later in his life. Anyone who knew Zuko as a kid wouldn’t picture him with have such an aversion, after all he was an affectionate kid. Even as a baby, Zuko would hold his arms up high, begging to be held and Ozai just loved to hold him. The two would spend hours together bonding. Ozai would have Zuko in his arms, tickling Zuko's tiny toes, watching as his newborn son burst into a fit of giggles. Things didn’t change when Zuko began to walk. He would cling to his father's large fingers, his tiny legs shaking as he carefully took a step. Ozai was so proud, and an overjoyed Ursa could be heard sobbing with joy behind the video camera. Ozai reacted just as positively to Zuko' first words "dada". He smiled wide, cupping his son's cheeks and smothering him in kisses. Zuko copied the action and kissed his father back Ozai thought he was the luckiest man in the world, and he made sure Zuko knew it. He saved his son from scary monsters hiding under the bed and carried him on his shoulders so he could see what it was like to be a grown up. He read him stories to help him sleep and sang him a song when he was upset. When Azula came along Ozai included the newborn in their games, and the two boys had been told off more than once that they were being too loud around the baby. But despite that, Ozai knew his kids would grow up to be amazing people, and he was even considering quitting his secret underground lifestyle to ensure it. But shit happens. </p><p>Ursa cheated on Ozai with an ex, she fell pregnant. Ozai was hurt, he was mad he was drunk. The two were screaming for what felt like hours, unaware of the frightened Zuko hiding in the hallway. When Ozai told Ursa she needed to make a choice, stay with him or abort the child. Ursa slapped him and called him a monster. He was right of course, but it still hurt. She stormed out, he drank, Zuko came in. The kid only wanted to know what the screaming was about, but Ozai took one look at the boy and saw Ursa. He stuck Zuko across the face. Zuko stumbled to the floor shook consuming him, as tears fell. Guilt immediately consumed Ozai, he scooped his sobbing son in his arms, whispering sweet words to him, and once he had calmed bribed him with ice cream to keep lips sealed. </p><p>But life likes to kick you in the balls doesn’t it? Ursa did what he asked, she stayed with him and aborted the baby, but she resented him for it. It took a year before Ozai truly became to understand the true extent of that resentment. He had come home late, stressed and overworked, when he found Zuko and Azula still awake, hiding under the blankets in the playroom. It was the middle of the night, so he was confused why the two were up. Azula had just started to cry, burying herself in Zuko's arms. When he questioned the kids, Zuko had just shrugged and said Azula and Ursa had fought. When he went to investigate, Zuko having smelt the alcohol on his father breath decided to follow afraid of what Ursa was about to endure. The interrogation had revealed Ursa had snapped at Azula for practicing some martial arts on Zuko, calling her a little monster. Zuko interrupted, telling his mother that he allowed Azula to do so, that she was getting good, and he wanted her to be amazing. Ozai glared at Ursa. </p><p>"You seriously are that petty that you are picking at her for nothing! She’s talented let her work on those skills! What's your problem with her!"</p><p>"She’s too much like you!" That cut Ozai deep, he glared at his wife.</p><p>"And being like you is so much better. You're turning Zuko soft!"</p><p>"At least he has a chance at being a good person!"</p><p>"Azula is 5! Zuko is 7! Their futures aren’t set in stone. They could be anything!"</p><p>"Maybe then he wouldn’t have to be your son!"</p><p>"Excuse me?!?"</p><p>"You heard me. If their future isn’t chosen for them, then Zuko can grow up without you as a father."</p><p>"Is that what you want." Ursa nodded as Ozai huffed calling a distraught Zuko over to them. Zuko quietly walked over, standing before his father when suddenly Ozai shoved him against the wall, strangling him. Ursa screamed trying to pull the man off Zuko. "Is this what you want!!" Ozai screamed at her. Ursa was sobbing, trying to pry Ozai's hands away. Ozai just dropped Zuko and stormed off. Ursa wrapped her arms around Zuko, smothering his face in kisses. But by the time Zuko caught his breath and he registered what had just happened, he shoved his mother away in a panic. From then on Zuko decided he hated touch.</p><p>As time passed Ursa stayed, desperate to protect her son. She had learnt Ozai's patterns. If he was stressed, he drank, if he drank, he hurt Zuko. She knew she was too weak to stop Ozai's abuse, so she began giving Zuko extra affection to make up for the pain. Subconsciously, Ursa began to redirect her anger for Ozai at his mini me; Azula, which consequently caused Ozai to stress drink, which lead to hurting Zuko, which lead to the cycle repeating again. But soon, Ursa had reached her limit. She had once again fallen pregnant due to her man candy off to the side. Ozai was pissed, made the same ultimatum as last time, but added a twist. If she kept the new child, he'd kill Zuko. As much as she loved her son. Ursa couldn’t risk that, so she left Ozai, ran for the hills, her new man by her side and prayed to the gods that Zuko would survive. She got her wish true, Zuko survived, but at what cost? Looking like Ursa around your drunken father was never a good thing. </p><p>But despite the challenges Zuko survived into his teenage years where he met Mai. Fresh into puberty Zuko was expected to be quite the ladies’ man. But as much as he liked Mai, Zuko didn’t kiss her. Actually, he didn’t do anything- sure they dated. They went to movies, parks, and they even regularly got tea at Iroh's Jasmine Dragon. But Zuko didn’t hold her hand, he didn’t offer her his jacket, he didn’t hug her. He didn’t do any displays of affection. This frustrated Mai, and after three months of nothing she decided to test the waters. She cupped Zuko's cheeks and kissed him deep. At first Zuko sunk into the kiss but as Mai began to tangle her hand in the boy’s hair, Zuko could only see his father tugging at the strands, so he pushed her away. She dumped him that night.</p><p>It was awhile before his aversion of touch started to take its toll again. After experiencing one of Zuko's meltdowns, the institution became aware of Zuko's fear. Using something knows as C-B-T (cognitive behavioural therapy), the doctors forced Zuko to face his fear in order to condition his mind that it was safe. The process was not effective and resulted in Zuko cutting all his hair off mid panic.</p><p>The next invasion of Zuko's boundaries came from Jet. The two had started to date a few weeks after meeting. Zuko liked Jet, he was funny, he was ambitious, and he was hot. Plus, he figured it was time to test out his sexual identity and well, kissing Jet definitely confirmed that He was so fucking gay. But despite kissing, Zuko really didn’t think he'd have to worry about and other boundaries with Jet. The man was sweet enough to wait for Zuko to make the first move and kiss him, and he had been nothing but patient with Zuko's anxiety. But Zuko was wrong. Three weeks into dating and Jet's patience began to run thin. The two were lying on Jet's lumpy mattress, which was tossed in the back corner of the freedom fighters’ hideout. They had a small bit of isolation, a few crates acted as a curtain shielding them from others. Zuko was flicking through a magazine, pointing out interesting articles to Jet as he read. When all of a sudden, Jet shoved the magazine from Zuko's hand, climbing on top of him. Zuko stared at him confused. </p><p>"What the hell, I was reading that" Jet just leaned down kissing Zuko's neck.</p><p>"Don’t care. Horny" he moaned softly. Zuko squirmed, pushing the larger man off of him. </p><p>"No Jet."</p><p>"Why not. I've been so fucking patient with you"</p><p>"I said no that's enough. You know how I am with touch" he was already sharing a bed with Jet, and that was too much for him at times, he often woke in panic and had to move away. </p><p>"Ugh you and your problems." Jet groaned. </p><p>"...feeling the love..." </p><p>"C’mon Zuko, why are you so chicken? You a virgin or something?" Zuko went bright red. "You are, aren’t you? That's hot" he chuckled. Zuko rolled his eyes</p><p>"Just go to bed Jet"</p><p>"Not gonna happen while I have this little situation. C’mon I don’t wanna take care of it myself!" he moved back on top of Zuko, licking the man's lips. Zuko met the action with a right hook to Jet’s jaw.</p><p>"What the fuck was that for?"</p><p>"I said no!" This obviously wasn’t the right response because the next thing Zuko knew Jet swung back at him, his fist colliding with the younger man’s face. Zuko's hand flung to his nose, immediately feeling blood as he groaned in pain. Jet took this distraction to slam Zuko down in his stomach, pinning him from behind. Zuko's head spun slightly as he held his nose, weakly using his other hand to shove jet away. But Jet didn’t listen, instead using the opportunity to remove Zuko's clothes and make it impossible for Zuko to move. Jet then took Zuko from behind, masking his violent actions with soft kisses and love bites, hiding Zuko's sobs by forcing the younger man to moan under his touch. Their relationship shaped itself that day. Zuko had learnt his place and knew fighting Jet lead to getting hurt. So, he submitted, but it didn’t change the fact that Zuko hated touch.</p><p>But now, with Sokka, something was different. Zuko didn’t hate the idea of touch when it came to him? Maybe it was the smell of his cologne or the way his hair clung to his face while he slept. Maybe it was the fact that Sokka could look both strong and vulnerable at the same time or the fact that the man loved to play rough, but he had the softest fingertip. But maybe it was just the fact that Sokka was the first person in Zuko's life that was there with no strings attached. There was no secret agenda, no contact, not a single reason why Sokka had to be here with him, after all he wasn’t benefiting; in fact Zuko probably was quite the hindrance. But still Sokka stuck around. So, Zuko let his guards down, he let Sokka touch him. First it was just small things, an arm wrapped around his shoulder, an awkward high five, a poor executed arm wrestle. But it developed to strong embraces, fingers tangled in his hair, laps being used as armrests. You know, the usual physical signs of affection that's found in friendship.</p><p>So, when Sokka waltzed into Zuko's bedroom, high out of his mind, with tears streaming down his face. Zuko didn't even need to give Sokka permission to climb into the bed with him and cuddle. Zuko was just watching a cheesy movie on Sokka's laptop, so he wasn’t at all bothers by his roommate's need for comfort. After all, it's not every day you have a life changing argument with your dad. Sokka may have gotten a little shaken during the argument with Hakoda, but as soon as the man left, Sokka crumbled. He fell into a cycle; drugs, sleep, food repeat. They were on about cycle four now, and although Zuko knew what Sokka was doing was unhealthy, he thought it was better for him to be there was emotional support rather than take the offensive like everyone else. The guy needed at least one ally and considering the way he had balled Zuko’s shirt up in his fists and buried his head in Zuko's chest said a lot. But Zuko didn’t mind, he found himself enjoying having someone within his arms being the person touching another. He ran his fingers through Sokka's hair and traced shapes on his hips. He watched as Sokka's chest rose and fell in tune with his own, his eyes slowly getting heavy, as Zuko rested his head against Sokka’s own. There was nothing sexual about their touching. Nothing violent. Just two people who generally cared about each other. Zuko decided this was a form of affection he could get behind.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Sun & Moon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yue is his moon, but Zuko is his sun.</p><p>- song: give me love - ed sheeran</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay so a few notes</p><p>1. I wont be updating as often as my winter break is over and im back at university now. I'll do my best tho<br/>2. I do apologise if i am wrong about any of these culture facts, especially in regards to inuit tattos. I did some research and it is based of what i read. But please do correct me if im wrong.<br/></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“My love, no matter how far apart we wonder, we will always gaze up the same moon”. It was such a simple saying, but for Sokka, it held powerful connotations; reminding him that he was never truly alone. It became a mantra; something he would repeat in times of stress, allowing each syllable to become his personal shield. The words, they protected him from pain, but just like a doubled-edged sword, they also cut him deep. Why? Because it was her who said it, his moon goddess; Yue. When Yue spoke those words, she hadn’t intended them to carry such meaning, but well, Sokka supposed she hadn’t intended to be killed either, the universe just likes to surprise you like that. </em>
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  <em>It had been a night like any other. The moon was high in the sky illuminating the beach, as the two lay in the sand playing with seashells. They spoke about nonsense, after all, what else would two sixteen-year-olds have to talk about, as the water lapped at their toes. Yue had been rambling about how happiness is the whole purpose of human existence, referencing some old Greek philosopher, as Sokka just watched the way her eyes opened wide every time she thought of something new to contribute to the argument. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“If life’s purpose is to be happy, then I suppose I should spend every waking second with you” Sokka spoke his words smoothly, wiggling his eyebrows as Yue turned bright pink, slapping his shoulder slightly.</em>
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  <em>“I wish we could do that Sokka, I truly do.”</em>
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  <em>“I wish for that, that maybe one day we can.”  As Sokka spoke, Yue allowed their fingers to intertwine as she spoke those words. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“My love, no matter how far apart we wonder, we will always gaze up the same moon”. </em>
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  <em>“You’re just a helpless romantic aren’t ya?” Sokka chuckled, whilst running his thumb back and forth over her knuckles. Yue smiled softly, giving a gentle shrug as Sokka stared into her eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>There was just something about Yue, something that told Sokka everything would be okay. No matter what pain he had to endure, if she was by his side, he knew he could face it. Maybe that’s why the moon was the perfect object to connect the two. Sure, Sokka knew Yue was using the moon as symbolism, but something about it just made sense. After all, in this dark, fucked up world; Yue was light. It was shown in everything about her, from the way she dressed, her alluring persona, and her feminine beauty. So, maybe that’s why after Yue passed, Sokka kept glancing up at the moon. After all, if Sokka’s theory was true and Yue was truly a child of the moon, maybe just maybe, she’d make like her titan mother Selene and visit at night when the moon is carried from the sky. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sure, it was a dumb theory. Yue was very much human, and Sokka knew deep down there was no possibility that Yue’s energy had fused with the moon. In fact, if anyone heard Sokka speaking that way, they’d definitely mock him for it, especially considering Sokka took pride in the fact he was a man of science. But as his very spiritual sister had said, sometimes we don’t need to see something to believe. So, Sokka opened up his soul and found far too many examples to support his theory; there was no way it was pure coincidence. Yue was the moon, and no one could change his mind. Sokka didn’t care if this belief was fact or just stemming from some psychedelic hallucination caused by the drugs he had started talking, but he didn’t care. He found comfort in the belief and isn’t that what truly mattered. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>From then onwards, Yue always appeared when he truly needed her. When Sokka had decided to come out to his family about being bisexual, she had been there, shining full and bright above them. When his grandmother fell ill and they weren’t sure if she was going to make it, Yue was there beside him. She was there when he overdosed and had to lie to his family about it, when he had his first night in his first apartment and when he had to beat up Jet for hurting his baby sister. Hell, she was even there when Suki had miscarried the baby they accidentally had brought into this world. Through all of life’s fucked moments, the moonlight shone upon him, reminding him she was here, and it was gonna be okay and for Sokka that was enough. </em>
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  <em>Things started to change, however, when Sokka met Zuko, as Yue almost seemed to fade from Sokka’s life. Zuko was trouble, Sokka knew as much. Ever since he met the man, new and unexpected stresses entered his life. Of course, Sokka didn’t blame Zuko, it wasn’t his fault, just poor timing but when Sokka went to Yue to vent she wasn’t there. At first, Sokka didn’t understand why, however, as he lay on Zuko’s chest breathing in his scent, he thought maybe just maybe Zuko was the reason why. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yue was the moon, strong and beautiful. But Zuko… he was the sun, deadly but life-giving and Sokka was the sky who held them both. They were opposites; Zuko was everything Yue was not. Zuko rose with the sun, his eyes shone bright and body ran hot. He liked hot tea and warm blankets. He liked to work out and use saunas. He liked to wear red, eat spicy food and draw dragons. Yue was his polar opposite. She was a night owl, with dark eyes whose fingers always felt like ice. She liked frappes and ice cream, ice skating and snowball fights, snow angels and penguins. Sokka had to admit, he definitely had more in common with Yue, plus they were both Inuit and that connection was one that ran deep. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Despite the shit Zuko had obviously been through, he still shone brightly. Sure, Zuko may not believe Sokka when he says, that everything the man touched turned to gold, but Sokka had seen it, and he craved it bad. He wanted to melt into Zuko’s arms like warm honey. He wanted to be filled with light, he wanted Zuko to touch him so he too could be gold. That he too could be happy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, as he lay there, listening to Zuko’s heartbeat as tears stained his cheeks, Sokka knew that what he wanted could be possible and if the universe’s current lunar eclipse wasn’t enough of a sign to move on, maybe the way Sokka’s heart skipped a beat when Zuko spoke his name was. </em>
</p><hr/><p>When Sokka woke up in the morning, he was half expecting to see Zuko beside him. It would’ve made sense, considering Sokka was laying shirtless in Zuko’s bed, but the man was nowhere to be seen. Disappointed that he couldn’t sponge morning affectation off his roommate, Sokka got out of the bed in order to retrieve coffee. It wasn’t until he was stirring the ingredients together that Sokka noticed Zuko sitting on the balcony. Curious, Sokka walked towards the man, only to see Zuko in a meditation stance.</p><p>“You meditate?” Sokka asked amused, Zuko merely hummed a response. “It’s like 5 am.”</p><p>“I like the mornings” Zuko spoke in a soft and slow manner, focusing on his breathing. Sokka must admit he was intrigued.</p><p>“Mind if I watch?”  Zuko slightly opened his good eye and glanced at Sokka.</p><p>“Er- I mean you can if you want. Bit weird though”</p><p>“It’s not weird! It’s just I dunno, never seen someone do this” Zuko opened both of his eyes, his concentration broken by the continuation of the conversation.</p><p>“Really? Huh. Different cultures I guess, it’s all I ever saw growing up. Uncle is all about meditation and finding your inner Zen.”</p><p>“I suppose I just never picked up on it. He always talks about the universe it’s hard to know what he’s really saying”</p><p>“Fair enough. Back in the homeland- uh that’s Japan so you know. I haven’t actually been there. But my father says it is nice. But anyway, this kind of practice is like a proper tradition. I guess, I really only got the habit from being around my uncle, my family isn’t very spiritual.” Sokka sat in front of Zuko crossing his legs, his knees brushing slightly against Zuko’s own.</p><p>“My family’s opposite.” He chuckled. “The whole lot are very into their spirituality. I never really got it though.” Zuko nodded understanding.</p><p>“What exactly is your culture? That’s if you don’t mind me asking. I noticed your tattoos and they’re intriguing.”  </p><p>“Ah, I’m Inuit, was born in an indigenous village just off Alaska.”</p><p>“That’s pretty cool! What was it like?” Sokka sipped his coffee.</p><p>“I don’t remember too much. Dad got deployed when I was young, so we started moving around a lot. But he made sure to keep traditions alive. I’m pretty sure if he didn’t, Gran-Gran would’ve killed him” He laughed. Zuko smiled at Sokka’s enthusiasm.</p><p>“What kind of things did you do?”</p><p>“Well let’s see, when I was like 15, I did this coming of age ritual with Bato- he’s one of my dad’s friends from home. I had to navigate a sailboat through icy waters. I passed; I was pretty smug about it. Katara and Aang were on the ship and honestly thought they were gonna die, cry-babies I tell ya! But I ended up getting the mark of the wise, the same mark as my father, so that was a huge confidence boost”</p><p>“Wow! You can sail? That’s amazing!”</p><p>“Yeah. Dad and the other men of the tribe were very strict on learning the old ways, so a lot of my childhood knowledge is based on how to survive in the frozen tundra. Not much use out here on the mainland, but still.”</p><p>“Yeah, I can only imagine the culture shock you would’ve experienced when you first moved.”</p><p>“Yeah. Small villages are nothing compared to big cities.”</p><p>“So, what do all your tattoos mean?” Zuko asked, his thumb brushing over the ink on Sokka arm.</p><p>“Um well, these things here” Sokka pointed to his bicep where he had armband like patterns inked. “They’re called shields. Each pattern represents something different. This one here” He pointed to one band resembling snakeskin which was made up of hexagons. “This one is a health shield. It’s basic protection against ill health, whereas this one is a spiritual shield; protects against the spiritual world” As Sokka spoke, he pointed to the second tattoo which contained diamonds and striped hourglasses within the band.</p><p>“Wow that’s really interesting and what about the little stick figures?”</p><p>“They represent unity” Zuko was always happy to learn about different cultures and Sokka was more than happy to educate him. He continued to ramble about his various tattoos for the next ten or so minutes as Zuko admired the ink. Suddenly Zuko changed the topic.</p><p>“Does it hurt?”</p><p>“What does?”</p><p>“Getting a tattoo.”</p><p>“Ah nah- I mean it did when I was young. I got my first tattoo when I was 12 and I was a bit of a scaredy-cat. Why? Do you want one?” Zuko gave a small nod as Sokka smirked. “Maybe I can help ya out, I have a stick n poke inside. Whacha want?</p><p>“Wait what! Is that even safe?”</p><p>“Completely. I’ve tattooed Katara with it, numerous times. Someone had to do her tattoos and Gran Gran was sick, so when she came of age I did them. And trust me, ink is so much more important to our culture for females than it is men.” Zuko raised an eyebrow in disbelief, however, when he recalled the detailed work on Katara’s arms he decided to trust Sokka.   </p><p>“Are you sure you don’t mind?”</p><p>“Sure. Got nothing better to do”</p><p>“I mean you could go to work instead of calling in sick again” Sokka rolled his eyes at the comment and stood to his feet.</p><p>“Can’t hear you! Getting supplies!” Sokka shouted, racing inside before Zuko could argue a response.  </p><p>So, that’s how Sokka and Zuko spent the next several hours. Zuko was half-naked, sitting cross-legged in Sokka’s lap as Sokka poked away at him. The two’s faces were inches from each other, and Sokka was finding it hard to concentrate with Zuko’s breath hitting his face. But despite the urge to throw Zuko on the floor and take him, Sokka had managed to get most of Zuko’s arms done. He was just finishing up the simplistic floral design when he gripped Zuko’s hip for support. All of a sudden, Zuko flinched. The action had Sokka confused, but as Zuko’s jolt upright, his back tensed, as his breathing hitched, Sokka switched off the machine.</p><p>“Zuko? Hey buddy. You with me?” he gently cupped Zuko’s cheeks, watching sadly as Zuko’s eyes turned glassy. Tears silently fell as Sokka realised what was happening. He didn’t know many details about Zuko’s life, but he knew enough that he was able to piece together what had happened between him and Jet. He knew the asshole had hurt Zuko bad, but Sokka was determined to heal those wounds.</p><p>“Deep breaths Zuko. In and out” Sokka instructed, taking overly dramatic breaths to emphasize the importance of such actions to Zuko. Zuko followed suit and managed to prevent himself from spiralling into a full-fledged panic attack. That, however, did not stop the tears from falling. Sokka sighed, wiping away his tears with his thumb.</p><p>“Hey, just know you are okay. Alright. You are safe.” Zuko nodded in response as Sokka pull Zuko closer. The man was now straddling him, as he swayed slightly to the side, humming softly. He hummed a tune that his mother used to sing when he was younger. He knew Zuko wouldn’t understand the language or really get the gist of the song, but regardless the melody was calming, and it seemed to be helping Zuko get grounded.</p><p>“I will never hurt you Zuko okay. I’m not gonna pretend to know why you react like this, and I’m not gonna ask either, but just know I think you are so utterly and wonderfully perfect and as such you are always safe around me. Always.” Zuko let out a small sob and choked on his words.</p><p>“Y..you’re just saying that cause you’re stuck with me. You don’t want to lose your job” Sokka sighed, pressing his forehead against the broken man.</p><p>“No Zuko. I’m saying this because you are the best god damn thing that ever happened to my life, and you need to know that you hold that value and more” Zuko went to respond but failed to find the words. That didn’t matter though, because Sokka found the words for him. He held Zuko close, whispered a small phrase and kissed him deeply.<br/><br/>Zuko, you are my sun.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Let's Talk About Sex</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Zuko and Sokka have sex. Zuko decided to brag to Azula about it.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw: Mild smut. This is a mature fic so i kept details light. however if you believe its too much, let me know and ill change the fic rating.</p><p>song: fuck away the pain - divide by the day</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Zuko hated sex. At first, he thought maybe he was ace or something, but after researching the definition and deciding he still did experience sexual attraction, he decided that wasn’t the case. It drove Zuko into confusion, especially considering how easy it was for him to get turned on.  After all, during his teenage years, all it took was an image of a shirtless hottie for Zuko to end up in the bathroom ‘abusing’ himself. As Zuko entered adulthood he found himself craving sexual intimacy, but with a father like Ozai, that desire had to be stomached. So instead, Zuko would satisfy himself through watching porn, cam boys and reading smutty fanfiction. This led to a very high standard when it came to sex. The media had taught him that sex was an orgasmic haven, however, when Zuko finally did the deed, his expectations were far from met. Maybe it had to do with the fact he didn’t consent, maybe it had to do with the fact he wasn’t prepped. But regardless of the reasoning, Zuko’s expectations weren’t met. This was hardly the only exception. Every time Jet would fuck him, Zuko was disappointed. Jet only used Zuko until he was satisfied, abandoning his half-hard partner, to finish alone. The men that paid Zuko to fuck were no different. They didn’t care about Zuko’s satisfaction, they merely lathered him in bitemarks, moaning as they jammed themselves into Zuko, using him as a warm hole and nothing more. They’d then hand him the money and shove the Zuko mid erection back on the street. It was far from a pleasurable experience. </em>
</p><p>But Sokka…</p><p>Sokka was different. Usually, when men got the opportunity to touch Zuko, they leapt straight into sexual gratification, but Sokka took his time. For Sokka it wasn’t a race to get off, but rather an act of pure intimacy and Zuko was thriving off it. Hell, before the idea of sex had been placed on the table Sokka had ensured Zuko had been enjoying himself too. He bit down on Zuko’s lip, running his hand through his hair, as he softly pushed Zuko onto his back. But that wasn’t even the beginning of it. Knowing of Zuko’s aversion to touch, with each and every new thing Sokka wanted to do, he waited for Zuko’s consent before continuing. As a result, Zuko found himself practically drooling over Sokka’s most attractive feature; respect.</p><p>By the time a moan finally escaped Zuko’s lips, Sokka offered to move their fun to the bedroom. Zuko had to admit, he was hesitant but seeing how Sokka had already behaved, Zuko basically dragged Sokka o his bedroom. Within seconds, clothes were flung to a messy pile in the floor, as the two fumbled onto the bed. Sokka crawled on top of Zuko, whispering sweet nothings as he nibbled on Zuko’s ear. Small gasps escaped Zuko lips, as he allowed his hands to tug at Sokka’s hair. Sokka took hold of Zuko’s thighs, mumbling a soft moan against Zuko’s jaw before suddenly pulling away.</p><p>“You wanna top or bottom?” He asked. It was a simple question really. But Zuko couldn’t help but be a bit taken back. No one had ever asked him before what he wanted, and honestly, imagining topping Sokka was almost enough to send him over the edge. But Zuko was nervous and afraid to try new things, so he chose bottom. As Sokka moved Zuko into position, Zuko found himself biting his lip nervously, awaiting the expected pain that came with the intrusion- but none came. Instead, he felt fingers; fingers which slowly stretched him out. Soon Sokka removed his fingers and replaced them with his oil-slicked member. Once more, Sokka showed his respect for Zuko by waiting until Zuko was accustomed to the intrusion before moving. Zuko wrapped his arms around Sokka’s neck, as Sokka split his hand between bracing their positing, and holding the headboard. His hips, however, moved rhythmically, as he worked to find Zuko sweet spot. Once achieved their bodies moved in sync, Zuko’s hips jolting forward with each thrust Sokka threw his way. Eventually, Sokka came with a grunt, and Zuko honestly thought they were done. However, one final action to Zuko by surprise as Sokka wrapped his hand around Zuko, not quitting until his roommate had met the same fate. Zuko orgasmed as he climaxed, for the first time in his life. The sensation caused him to fall limp in Sokka’s arms, panting heavily as Sokka pulled him close.</p><p>“The was fucking great” Sokka smirked as Zuko nodded in agreement. This was new for Zuko, something he never thought he’d experience. He had only ever known sex to be dreadful but Sokka had opened his mind to the world of erotic bliss and fuck, if Sokka wanted to do that again, Zuko was more than happy to comply. Hell, Zuko was pretty sure he would probably be the one asking for a change. He would definitely want to do that again.</p><p>~</p><p>Zuko sat in one of his sister’s many high-end bars sipping on a rum and coke. At first, he was hesitant to be here, especially considering Ozai had a habit of randomly dropping in on his sister’s establishments to check up on things. However, Azula had assured Zuko that their father was spending his time in the dodgy, run-down bars they owned, as the underworld business had been booming of late.  So, he sat at a silver table, half-blinded by the neon lights which filled the place as Azula stared at him in shock.</p><p>“You fucked your roommate.” Azula seemed to almost scoff, as she nursed her glass of scotch. Zuko pouted at her attitude, but he didn’t expect anything less after all this was Azula. Although the two of them were close, their personalities were vastly different. But still, if Zuko ever had a problem, he would call Azula and vice versa. That’s exactly why when Sokka left for work, he found himself racing to the phone to spill the details of his morning adventure to his little sister. Both delighted and disgusted, Azula deemed this was a face to face conversation and well that’s how they ended up here.</p><p>“Yeah… We fucked and oh my god it was the best sex I ever had.”</p><p>“Ew. But didn’t you like just break up with that Jet guy? Are you sure this isn’t a rebound? After all, you were a mess after that breakup.”</p><p>“Jet was an ass”</p><p>“I didn’t ask that Zuko. I know he’s an ass, he’s an abusive fucker, and that’s why I had the cops raid his hideout, but this isn’t about him, it’s about you. Is this smart?”</p><p>“Look Zula, I don’t know. All I do know is that I feel safe around him and for once in my life, someone who I’m close with isn’t fucking hurting me.” Azula sighed, nodding her head, understanding.</p><p>“Alright, just… Take it slow Zuko.”</p><p>“Yes yes, I’ll take it slow. Speaking of slow. How are you and Ty Lee? Proposed yet?~” As if summoning the devil, a pair of pink-clad arms wrapped themselves around Azula, squeezing her tight. Azula jumped in surprise, ready to attack, however upon realising who the arms belonged to, she settled, choosing to instead kiss her surprise guest. Ty Lee and Azula were Zuko’s idea of a perfect couple. They had been together for five years, and best friends long before that. They were inseparable, which Zuko found ironic as bubbly, hyperactive girly girls like Ty Lee usually drove Azula insane. But when it came to Ty Lee, Azula annoyance completely vanished. Zuko guessed it was as they say; opposites attract.</p><p>Zuko watched as Ty Lee sunk into the kiss, finding her way to Azula’s lap. He rolled his eyes at the public display of affection and instead diverted his attention to the bartender and ordered another round of drinks.</p><p>“What are you doing here Ty Lee?” Azula asked once the pair had separated.</p><p>“The team and I came out for victory drinks!”</p><p>“Well bring them over here! I’ll shout, plus Zuko could do with more friends” Zuko glared at his sister but allowed the additions to the group. Zuko after all didn’t mind Ty Lee, so her teammates couldn’t be that bad.</p><p>There was a total of nine girls, each of various ethnicities. The first girl was a fiery redhead with an attitude to match. The next was a tall African American girl who wore way too much golden glitter for Zuko’s liking but it suited her. There was a set of blonde twins, whose eyes were as blue as the sky and a skinny Scandinavian girl who was lathered from head to toe in freckles. The other team members kind of just faded into the background, all except one; Katara. Zuko mentally cringed at the idea of spending a night drinking with the woman who hated his guts, but Zuko was pretty sure Azula would kill him if he abandoned her here with all these chatterboxes.</p><p>The girls spoke about the game they just won, about class, about work and about boys. All simple topics at first, but that last one ignited Azula’s interest in Zuko’s love life again.</p><p>“So, girls I need your opinion. After a serious relationship, how long should you wait to move on?” Azula received various answers.</p><p>“Half the length of the relationship”</p><p>“A month”</p><p>“Give me a couple of shots of tequila and that’s enough for me”</p><p>“Well there you go Zuko, you’re jumping into this thing with your roommate to fast, maybe hold off on the sex for a bit!” Azula scolded.</p><p>“Azula! I thought we covered this already!” Zuko groaned, barely registering Katara spluttering on her drink in the background.</p><p>“You hooked up with Sokka!” She exclaimed, causing everyone’s attention to be drawn towards Zuko. Zuko sunk into his chair, sculling the rest of his drink.</p><p>“Maybe.” He responded bleakly. He didn’t want to talk about this with Sokka’s sister of all people!</p><p>“When did this happen!?!” She demanded, but Zuko failed to respond, so Azula chimed in.</p><p>“This morning. Do you know Zuko’s roommate Katara? Is he a nice guy?”</p><p>“THIS MORNING!” is all Katara managed to say, causing Azula to become frustrated from the lack of response. Luckily Ty Lee decided to chime in.</p><p>“Zula you’ve met Sokka. He’s Katara’s brother, you know the one that dated Suki for like a while” Ty Lee gestured over to the fiery redhead from before.  </p><p>Zuko watched in silence as Azula processed the information. Quietly she placed her drink on the table, clenching her fists slightly as she turned to Ty Lee.</p><p>“Surely you aren’t talking about that junkie?” Azula spat, as Katara sunk into her chair; shame-ridden.</p><p>“That would be the one” Ty Lee muttered.</p><p>All of a sudden Azula rose from her seat, causing Ty Lee to stumble as she angrily slammed her fist on the table. She furrowed her eyebrows, her face going red as she hissed under her breath.</p><p>“I’m going to kill the bastard!” she spat, quickly grabbing her car keys and leaving.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. The Truth Comes Out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Zuko finds out about Sokka and Ozai's deal.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw: sexual assult, refference to drug use</p><p>song: Whataya Want from Me - Adam Lambert</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>People want to be fought for that’s why people run to others for help. After all, fighting was a brutal activity designed for beasts of the world. It was ugly, it was bloody and damn it left its fucking marks. Sokka was one of many who had been forced to assume the role of a beast. Average citizens chose to stray away from conflict for a reason, but Sokka had been oblivious and was left with a harsh decision; kill or be killed. Ever since Sokka was young, this harsh reality was embedded in the back of his mind. Maybe it was due to Hakoda’s military background? Sure, Hakoda did good work but be that as it may, being constantly exposed to the combat lifestyle the military gave was sure to provide Sokka with the foundations needed to come to this conclusion. Regardless of the reasoning, Sokka was five years old when he first decided to act upon this worldview. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Having just recently moved from his village, Sokka was desperate to make friends. So, when he saw some boys a little older than him playing football down the road, he begged his mother to let him and his sister go. Reluctantly, Kya let her children go, telling them they had to return by dark or she would call the police. Sokka didn’t understand why his mother had been so hesitant to let them go to the park alone, but as Sokka abandoned his sister on the sidelines to play the game, the reality hit him. Katara’s screams were all it took for Sokka to recognise the sudden danger. He dropped the ball and raced towards Katara, but it was too late. A boy twice his age had Katara pinned, hand up her skirt and lips to her neck. Sokka knew what he had to do, after all, if he didn’t act now, Katara would suffer greatly. So, he dug through the sporting equipment and when he found the baseball bat, he had swung with full force. It wasn’t enough to cause damage, but it was enough to distract. The teenager turned his gaze to Sokka, grabbing the small boy in a mad fury. Sokka screamed at his sister to find Hakoda, as the boy strangled Sokka with full force. By the time Sokka came to, he was in Hakoda’s arms, heading home as lights of blue and red flashed behind them. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The next instance had come when Yue’s murderer’s first announced their distaste for his girlfriend. Sokka held up his tray, protecting Yue from the lunch being propelled in their direction. When the actions ceased to stop, Sokka stepped forward, taking hold of Yue’s half-finished smoothie and dumbing in the ring leader’s hair. Sure, Sokka had received detention, but as Yue wrapped her slender fingers around his bicep and thanked him. Sokka knew it was worth it.<br/><br/>Not long later, Sokka had found Jet in Katara’s bed with some stranger. Katara was at a debate club meeting, so Sokka decided to take the opportunity to snoop through her room to try and figure out gift ideas for her birthday. But instead, he saw Jet, kissing some half-naked skank within his sister’s blue mandala sheets. Within seconds Sokka’s fist connected with Jet’s face. The resident bad boy shoved the girl off him and began yelling profanities. Outraged, Sokka argued with Jet, forcing him and his skank to the street. Sokka knew what he was doing, He was dealing with the ugly side of the breakup so Katara didn’t have to. </em>
</p><p>There were many situations throughout Sokka life, where this kill or be killed philosophy came into play. But as Sokka grew, he realised something, it wasn’t so much that he was avoiding being killed, but rather he was taking the bullet to prevent others from meeting that fate. So, whatever argument, whatever fight, whatever conflict Sokka’s loved ones encountered, Sokka would take the blows, preventing them from harm. The only problem was when the gun was aimed at Sokka, his instincts told him not to run. So, when Sokka awoke to someone pounding at his door at 3 am and was greeted with a fist, he barely reacted. Instead, he just held his nose, tilted his head back to stop the bleeding and groaned.</p><p>“I am not nearly high enough for this” He sighed, turning on his heel and walking back inside. His attacker followed, her golden eyes glaring at him with intense hatred. Sokka rolled his eyes at the woman as he reached for the tissue box that was on top of the fridge. “Do come in.” He stated bitterly. As he held a handful of tissues against his face, Sokka tried to recall how he knew his attacker. He knew her, that much was for sure. There was no way he could ever forget the cold look in her eyes, but where he had seen them last- well that memory had been lost.</p><p>“I told you to stay the fuck away from Zuko!” The woman screamed. Sokka furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, watching as the frustrated female closed the gap between them. Sokka took a step backwards, his body now pressed against the fridge as a memory flicked to his mind.</p><p>
  <em>TY LEE! She was Ty Lee’s girlfriend! The two had gone on several double dates with him and Suki a year or so back. But what was her name… Azeal? Anna? Azriel? Azula- AZULA!</em>
</p><p>“Azula, Look I’m gonna have to be honest with you, I barely know what day it is let alone whatever you’re rambling on about”</p><p>“Of course, you don’t! You fucking, junkie scum!”</p><p>“Words hurt you know” Azula scoffed at Sokka’s comments as she kneed Sokka in the stomach, causing him to double over in her hold.</p><p>“So, does that. How dare you follow through with that deal with Ozai, when I specifically warned you not to. Time to pay the fucking price.” Azula dealt another blow and planned to provide more, but the sound of Ty Lee’s voice prevented this from occurring. Azula winded Sokka once more before she released her grip, resulting in Sokka to falling to the ground, coughing in a feeble attempt to find air. As Sokka began to regain his composure, his eyes fell upon a confused Zuko, staring at the scene in horror.</p><p>“Azula… What do you mean deal?” Zuko whispered, his voice threatening to break. Sokka clenched his fist trying to find the strength to stand, as Azula began to ramble.</p><p>“This asshat accepted a deal for father. Free drugs in exchange for you… I tried to prevent it I am sorry. If I had known, he was your roommate I would’ve acted quicker…” Sokka pulled himself onto his knees, not being able to stand the glassy look in Zuko’s eyes as the memory flooded through Sokka’s mind.</p><p>“Zuko…” He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to explain himself, how to explain to Zuko that it wasn’t like that, that it was a misunderstanding. But it wasn’t really. He said what he said and regardless of whether he intended to follow through, he still said those words</p><p>“Fuck you!” Zuko responded, tears threatening to fall. Sokka watched as his roommate/boyfriend/he didn’t really even know took a step back, running fingers through his hair in an attempt to calm himself down. Sokka went to respond, but Azula struck Sokka once more, causing him to stumble back to the floor. Zuko took the opportunity to flee, as Katara pulled Sokka to his feet.</p><p>Sokka angrily shoved his sister away, choosing to rely on the kitchen bench instead for balance as Azula waltzed over to Ty Lee.</p><p>“Baby, Can Zuko stay at yours tonight? I don’t want him back on the streets.” She asked as Ty Lee gave a small nod.</p><p>“Y-yeah. I can do that. I’m sure Mai won’t mind if he crashes on the couch” Sokka just huffed, taking a deep breath as he made his way towards the door.</p><p>“Where the hell do you think you’re going? I’m not done with you” Azula spat, grabbing his wrist. Sokka pulled himself free.</p><p>“I am going to fix this before Zuko fucking hurts himself” Sokka snapped.</p><p>“You can’t fix shit! Just stay away from him!”  Sokka just facepalmed and groaned.</p><p>“You’re a fucking moron Azula. So, you clicked on to who I was and decided to come to Zuko’s home, the one where he’s lived with me for two months. Did ya maybe think on your way over here to attack me, that the information from our encounter didn’t line up with that fact? Fucking hell!” Sokka just let out a frustrated sigh as he pushed past the she-ninja and headed out into the cool night air.</p><p>To any onlooker, Sokka probably looked deranged. Dressed in minimal clothing (only his briefs and an oversized muscle singlet), walking around town barefoot and covered in blood didn’t exactly paint a good picture. Plus, not to mention the very purple bruises and track marks which littered his body were currently on display. But that didn’t matter, what did was finding Zuko and after about twenty minutes of stumbling around Sokka finally found him. Zuko was sitting by a lake soaking wet with his head in his knees and struggling to breathe. Sokka knew that the important thing right now wasn’t to explain himself, but rather guide Zuko through this panic attack. So, he plopped beside Zuko, placed a light hand on his back and instructed the man to breathe.</p><p>“C’mon buddy, In and out. Deep breaths.” Zuko reluctantly listened, but still leant away from Sokka’s touch.</p><p>“I-I... can… d-do this m…myself. G-go away...”</p><p>“Don’t speak. Just breathe… and look if you want me to leave I will. But not until after you’ve calmed down and I’m assured you’re safe.”</p><p>"...I'm not g-goin..g-g to d-d…o anything s-s…tupid."</p><p>“Hmm. Really cause it kind of looks like ya already did.” He gestured to the fact Zuko was drenched and obviously had been in the lake. Zuko didn’t respond, he instead just focused on his breathing.</p><p>When Zuko finally managed to calm down, he slowly let his legs fall and sat up straight.</p><p>“… So, I’m calm, I am fine. Can you go now.” Zuko snapped as Sokka sighed.</p><p>“First shirt off you’ll freeze. Take mine” He was used to snow, after all, weather like this barely bothered Sokka. Zuko stared at Sokka before eventually caving and giving in. He swapped the shirts, throwing his damp one to the ground as he looked as Sokka. Sokka picked up the wet shirt, using the material to clean the blood from his face as he sighed. “Can we talk about this Zuko… Please… I can’t stand the thought of you hating me” Zuko leant backwards on his hands and avoided eye contact, instead choosing to focus on the lake.</p><p>“Is what Azula said a lie?”</p><p>“Not exactly.”</p><p>“Yes or no Sokka. Did you speak to my father and in return did he give you drugs” Sokka nodded sadly, fear consuming him as he spoke. “Well then. That’s all I need to know. I’ll pick up my shit tomorrow. Come up with a number on how much I owe you in rent and I’ll get you the money by Monday. Bye Sokka” Zuko went to stand, but Sokka shot forward grabbing his hand.</p><p>“God Zuko…. No… No… Please don’t leave.” His voice started to break. “You’re the only fucking person in this world I give a damn about right now”</p><p>“Well, it’s a little too late Sokka. You have no idea what you’ve done to me.”</p><p>“I didn’t though! Just here me out! It’s not like that!” He pulled Zuko back to the ground, clinging to his arm as Zuko sighed.</p><p>“You’ve got five minutes.” With that comment, Sokka leapt into the full story. He told Zuko where and where everything happened and all the nitty-gritty details. He was completely honest and open, sharing with Zuko the intimate details of his psyche and how it suffered from withdrawals. He told him of the desperation and the fear associated with it and how when the cure is right in front of you, you would say anything to get it. But most importantly, he told Zuko how he lied to Ozai. Told him small truths, diverted him from important information in a feeble attempt to get the best of both worlds.</p><p>By the end of the story, Sokka was in tears, clinging to the shirt Zuko wore as he kept muttering apologies over and over again. Zuko just stared at him, mouth slightly agape as he tried to work out a response.</p><p>“Sokka, Look. I don’t expect you to understand this, but regardless of what your intentions were, you still gave him a bit of information about my life and honestly, he’s like doomsday and I’m just Clark Kent, except I don’t have the ability to become superman, so I’ve got to fight him as just myself. The man fucking terrifies me, and if he’s connected to your addiction, well I can’t do this. I’ve seen you throw away others that got between you and your habit and I cant trust that I won’t be used as a pawn in that war.”</p><p>“Zuko I would never hand you over to him. Don’t you know that? I would never ever hurt you.”</p><p>“You say that now Sokka but what happens if you reach that point of desperation again. What happens when you need it more than anything and the price to pay for it is me.”<br/><br/>“Zuko…”</p><p>“You’ve got a choice to make Sokka, you can have one or the other, not both. So what will it be: me or the drugs?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Withdrawals</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sokka chooses Zuko and starts to detox</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw: Drugs, withdrawals and all that jazz</p><p>Sorry for the long wait since the last update.  University classes be hectic. </p><p>song: Bleachless - Elizabeth Grace</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zuko was no stranger to withdrawals. He knew exactly how difficult it was to endure such an activity, having gone through it himself after leaving the institution. Within those cold, white, walls Zuko was subjected to constant dosages of sedatives, anti-psychotics, anti-depressants and more. Anything to keep his temper at bay and extinguish the fire within his eyes. So, it was no surprise after he left their care, he began hiding the pills under his tongue. It took about a week for his father to catch on, but Zuko was determined to not be erased by the mind-altering pills. He knew deep down if he continued along this path of treatment, he would lose more than the part of him which had already died. By the time Ozai found him, Zuko kneeled over the toilet, tears streaming down his face as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to his body. Ozai had immediately called a doctor, who spent the following weeks nursing Zuko back to health. Of course, many arguments had endured, Ozai had been furious over it. Zuko barely being home and was already costing him money. He insisted time and time again that Zuko take the pills, that he end the silly battle and stop wasting their time. But Zuko was determined, and eventually, it worked in his favour. He won, his father agreeing to let Zuko stop taking all the drugs except the one prescribed for his anxiety. Zuko agreed, a compromise was a great victory in the Agni household.</p><p>But despite medical assistance, Zuko was familiar with the symptoms associated with withdrawals. He understood what it was like to have that fire shoot through your veins, burning you from the inside out. He knew how unbearable the itchiness could be, that the desire to scratch through layers of skin until your fingers were bloody seemed to pale in comparison. He knew what it was like for the paranoia to consume you, to feel as if it was literally you against the world. But despite his experience, Zuko and Sokka were not in the same position. Zuko had been forcibly placed on medication, Sokka took him willingly. Zuko had medical support throughout his experience, Sokka had Wikipedia. Zuko had servants to cater to his every need, whether it be food, water, or some form of entertainment, Sokka had Zuko and only Zuko.</p><p>However, that did not mean that Zuko was not thrilled that Sokka had chosen this path. When Sokka uttered those words, promising he had quit, Zuko had been over the moon. He leapt at his roommate, knocking his to the ground as he kissed him happily. Sokka laughed between kisses, wrapping his arms around Zuko, promising he would do his best. Unfortunately, the two failed to realise how hard detoxing would be without professional care. Sure, some people can get through this time without medical professionals, but Zuko was starting to doubt that Sokka was one of those people. After all, Zuko was not exactly the toughest of people, if anything he was a bit soft and it made it very hard for him to help Sokka through this. </p><p>They had managed the first 48 hours well. Sokka had been pretty on edge, but that had been the worst of it. But they should not have expected smooth sailing. As his attitude turned sour, Sokka appetite ceased to exist and sickness started to consume him. The very sight of food was enough to have Sokka face first in the porcelain bowl, but his stomach still cried out in hunger. That, however, was nothing compared to extreme insomnia he began to endure. His mind refused to sleep, not allowing him to sit still, so Sokka would be constantly upon his feet. As a result, his body had reached the point of pure exhaustion. It was a horrible situation and Zuko did not know what to do to help. He tried researching ways to assist, but nothing worked. Not to mention the food he tried to feed Sokka resulted in another trip to the bathroom. Zuko would helplessly hold back Sokka’s hair, rubbing his shoulders, trying to help his roommate feel better. But nothing worked.<br/><br/>It did not help that the situation embarrassed Sokka. He was so used to playing hero, that feeling so weak and helpless did not sit well with him. With every bathroom trip, every failed sleep attempt, every scream of frustration or craving, shame consumed Sokka. His eyes would well up with tears and he would curse himself. Self-disgust evident in every word he spoke. But as time passed, Sokka was defeated. His usual smart ass attitude had vanished, his huge ego had deflated and the volume of his voice had become nothing more than a hoarse whisper.  So, Zuko was not really surprised when a loud bang woke him at three in the morning. It was a bit of a hindrance as Zuko had only managed to fall asleep two hours ago, but the lack of body heat next to him was a more pressing issue.</p><p>Flicking the sweat-drenched blankets off him (Sokka must have a fever again), Zuko headed towards the sound source. By the time Zuko arrived in the kitchen, Sokka quickly flicked off the lights as if hoping not to be seen.  Zuko sighed, knowing Sokka was probably embarrassed and tried to wake himself up enough to deal with whatever was hiding in the dark. After a moment of silence, Zuko caved.</p><p>“Can you turn on the light please Sokka. No need to be embarrassed. It's just me…” Zuko spoke softly, hoping his tone would be enough to coax his roommate. It worked. Sokka flicked the switch, allowing the artificial yellow hue to fill the room, and boy did Zuko not like what he saw. Sokka was a mess. He was drenched head to toe in sweat, his hair sticking to his cheek like a magnet. His eyes were bloodshot and the circles underneath them had grown blacker. But Sokka’s appearance had not been what caught Zuko’s eye. A coffee mug was smashed in the floor, the kettle kicked across the room and sugar spilled over the countertops. It was obvious Sokka was feeling up to a drink, but due to either exhaustion or panic, Sokka had created a mess.</p><p>“I’ll clean it up, why don’t you go have a shower Sokka. It’ll calm you down” Zuko stepped forward picking up the kettle as Sokka stopped his, with a shaking hand.</p><p>“N-no… I made the mess ill clean it…” He mumbled, kneeling as he started to scoop up the broken pieces. Zuko reached over to help him, but Sokka shoved his hands away, cutting his own fingers in the process. “Shit! Fuck!” Sokka mumbled, dropping the mug fragments, letting his bleeding finger fly to his mouth. He sucked on the wound to stop the bleeding as he closed his eyes in frustration. “I-…I can’t do anything!” Sokka screamed, more at himself than Zuko. Zuko grabbed a cloth, taking Sokka’s hand, holding the fabric against the wound as he sighed.</p><p>“How about you go to bed… You look exhausted.” Zuko suggested.</p><p>“I’m fine…”</p><p>“Sokka… You have gotten like six hours over the past few days… You need to sleep. C’mon.” Suddenly, Sokka slammed his uninjured fist to the ground.</p><p>“Its ‘cuz I can’t fucking sleep Zuko!” Sokka hissed diverting his gaze to the floor. “I…” his voice began to crack “I c-c-can’t s-s-sleep-p!” With those words, Sokka broke, falling limp into Zuko’s arms. Zuko immediately pulled Sokka onto his lap, wrapping his arms around his roommate, allowing him to break. Zuko knew Sokka had been treating mental illness with illicit substances for the better half of a decade. By suppressing his trauma, ignoring therapy, and treating his issues incorrectly, Sokka was not able to function well sober, and insomnia only increased this tenfold. After several minutes, Sokka’s wails developed into soft sobs, and Zuko took the opportunity to speak.</p><p>“Okay. So, let's treat whatever is keeping you up! A shower, something to eat and maybe some ibuprofen should help. I read that is okay to take, so fingers crossed.”</p><p>“It won’t work!”</p><p>“Well…  I think it will help. Maybe some orange juice would be good? I read the vitamin C in it is supposed to be really good with cleansing toxins from the body.”</p><p>“I don’t want orange juice…” Sokka huffed, burying his face in Zuko’s chest.</p><p>“Well, what do you want? Maybe some toast. It's not heavy but the carbs will line your stomach and help with the pain” Sokka scrunched up his face, Zuko sighed.</p><p>“I can’t read minds Sokka… If you don’t like my suggestions go ahead and offer me one.” Sokka just hid his face more, playing with the material of Zuko’s shirt.“You know what I want.” Those words were almost enough for Zuko himself to break, but he knew he couldn’t Sokka wanted to fight this, he knew he did, it</p><p>was just the withdrawals talking. So, Zuko tossed his head back blinking back tears. He knew Zuko’s stance of the situation was the only thing holding Sokka from relapsing right now. Of course, Zuko knew to expect relapses, he was not dumb, but he had hoped to at least make it through the initial detox. So, Zuko carefully worded his response before replying.</p><p>“You know where I stand on that Sokka. I will not stop you. Your decisions are your own. But I’m here and I will help you through this, but you need to try… because if you don’t try… I’m walking out that door” Sokka let out another loud sob.</p><p>“I am trying!”</p><p>“I know… but you need to keep it up… You’re doing so well….”</p><p>“P…please…. I don’t wanna feel like this I don’t… I don’t… it hurts Zuko…. please” Sokka begged, letting his tears soak Zuko’s shirt.</p><p>“I know baby… I know” He sighed, moving his hands to cup Sokka’s cheeks. Sokka glanced up at him with desperate, teary eyes as Zuko sighed once again. “Thank you for doing this for me.” He spoke softly, placing a gentle kiss against Sokka’s tear-stained lips. Sokka hiccupped against Zuko, but sunk into him, seeking comfort in the action. They stayed like that for a while, Zuko using it to calm Sokka down. Once it started to work, he pulled away, inspecting the wound on Sokka’s hand.  “The bleedings stopped… Let us just wrap this up okay. Then how about we try to sleep?” Sokka nodded in agreement, letting Zuko patch him up and guide him into the bedroom.</p><p>Leaving the lights on and flicking on Netflix to act as a buffer for Sokka’s spiralling mind, Zuko tucked Sokka into bed with him. Sokka curled up on Zuko’s chest, not speaking a word as he quietly watched the SpongeBob episode that played in the background. Zuko slid his hands into Sokka’s hair, trying to encourage relaxation, and by the time the episode ended, Sokka had passed out. Zuko knew it would not be for long. Maybe two or three hours, but he could always hope for more. As Sokka’s snores filled his ears and the adrenaline of looking after him had faded, Zuko crumbled into his own toxic mind, panic consuming him. Zuko knew this was not going to work much longer, Sokka needed help, more help than Zuko could provide on his lonesome. Sokka needed a doctor, or rehab or hell just another friend involved in this, otherwise, Zuko was going to crack under the pressure.</p><p>After repeating some breathing mantras to himself, Zuko calmed enough to reach for Sokka’s phone. He recalled Sokka saying something about someone sending him therapist info. So Zuko scrolled through text messages until he found it.</p><p>
  <em>Hey, I paid for a therapy appointment. It’s on the 7<sup>th</sup>, 3 pm. Please go. </em>
</p><p>If he paid for Sokka’s therapy maybe he would pay for Sokka’s rehabilitation.</p><p>Knowing that this was likely the only time Sokka was going to be asleep, Zuko ignored the terrible timing and called the number. After a few rings a husky, tired voice answered, worry filling his voice.</p><p>“Sokka, Is everything okay? You do realise what time it is?”</p><p>“Hey sorry. Not Sokka, I do not know if you remember me. It’s Zuko, Sokka’s er- roommate and no… everything’s not okay.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Fatherhood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hakoda thinks about his experience with racism and grief and the effect it had on his kids.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw: Racism, abuse, drugs, family issues</p><p>Song: Little Talks - Monsters and men</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They say discipline is at the very heart and soul of the army. It was why parents often shipped their troublesome kids off to a military academy where they could be raised with a firm hand. There was no denying that the process worked. The academies took in misfits of all ages and shot out model citizens. But it was all a guise, the cadets were not miraculously cured of their misbehaviour, instead, they were drilled into submission.</p><p>Hakoda was a prime example of this systems corruption. Sure, he was a good soldier, but the academy, basic training and war had forced Hakoda to hide behind this “brave, loyal and true” mask. But that was not who Hakoda was. Hakoda was a hyperactive, smart-ass who loved getting his hands dirty. Hell, his childhood was nothing but playing sport and making pranks. Hakoda thought it was just typical boy behaviour, but he was obviously mistaken because as soon as he was old enough, his father shipped him off to the mainland to attend Ba Sing Se Military Academy.</p><p>At first, Hakoda and the military lifestyle did not mix. He was an outspoken kid and that did not exactly bode well within the military, however, that was not the reason they didn’t mix as just like every other loudmouth, Hakoda learnt to hold his tongue. But rather it was the fact that the military were racist pieces of shit. You see, Hakoda was the only indigenous person around, and it seemed to be the reason he was targeted. At first, it was simple things; they hit his knuckles with a ruler whenever he wrote notes in his own language. When he returned freshly tattooed after a visit home, the staff had made him wear his winter uniform to cover up.  Hell, when Hakoda tried to skip mandatory Sunday morning church because that was not his religion, he was made to run laps until he passed out. But from little things, big things grow.</p><p>It was the middle of Sophomore year and Hakoda and some classmates had snuck off base into a local kid’s party. The group had gotten completely wasted and by the time the academy noticed their disappearance, the group had already been detained. After roughly an hour of phone calls and questioning, the group was escorted back to the base by the police. The group knew they would be punished big time, it was no surprise. Leaving campus after lights out was against orders, and it was likely that the four of them would be spending the next week making up for this behaviour. But when the time for punishment came, Hakoda’s friends got off scot-free while Hakoda had been beaten. The commandant‘s reasoning was simple enough, Hakoda was the mastermind so Hakoda should be punished but that was far from the truth. Hakoda was a good kid. He was at the top of each class, he was captain of their football team and he was the leader of his team of cadets. Hakoda was the more responsible student in every shape and way, but of course, they did not see that. Instead, they saw black. After all, it was <em><span class="u">always </span></em>the black indigenous one causing trouble, wasn’t it?</p><p>Little did Hakoda realise how much this experience would shake him. Ultimately it led to him distancing himself from his culture. As much as Hakoda was proud to be Inuit, he began to understand that expressing that could cost him his life. So shamefully, he hid his tattoos, he took out his earrings and he shaved his hair. He finished up high school, graduating with highest honours and eventually accepted a position on a special operations unit. As tragic as it was, it was the only way Hakoda knew how to live, but things changed when he met Kya.</p><p>Kya was a sweet, beautiful woman who Hakoda hired to look after his mother Kanna when she got ill. He had visited home a few times before his mother got better, and Kanna had caught on to the way her son’s eyes locked on Kya. But who could blame him? There was just something about her. She wore her culture with pride; hair full of beads and braided, tattoos covering every inch of her dark skin, and a soul which was so in tune with the spirits. She was stunning, not only in that regard but her intellect gobsmacked Hadoka, as she often rambled about the universe and her theories behind its inner workings. So, it was no surprise that on Kya’s final shift, Kanna had prepared a beautiful meal, set the table, and disappeared; basically, forcing the two on a date. Two years later the couple married and with his wife’s influence, Hakoda was slowly reclaiming his place in his culture. Although he did not fully embrace it, still scared of the repercussions at work, he did stop covering his tattoos.</p><p>Not even a full year later, the day after Hakoda’s 23<sup>rd</sup> birthday, Sokka was born and something within Hakoda shifted. He saw a crying child with his skin and his eyes and instantly fear consumed him; W<em>ould Sokka have to endure what Hakoda had gone through?</em> So as Sokka grew, Hakoda felt he had no choice but to teach his son how to fight. With his spare moments, Hakoda told him how in a dog eats dog world, if you are a person of colour, no one cares what you have done, they’ll judge you regardless. These conversations always made Sokka cry, but they managed to instil in him the discipline to be able to survive.  </p><p>Things changed when Kya died. It was like a piece of Hakoda left with her and Hakoda became desperate to get it back. He delved deep into his culture as a desperate attempt to find his wife. She had been so in tune with their peoples' way of life, that Hakoda honestly believed that if he grew his hair out if he wore tribal accessories or updated his tattoos that he’d find a new connection to her but all he found was grief (although this did lead to Katara starting a spiritual journey herself, however, that’s a story for another time). </p><p>As a result, Kanna had insisted Hakoda go to therapy, to be honest, he probably should have listened. Maybe if he had listened, he would not have fucked up his kids more than he already had. He should have listened, but instead, he let his grief bottle up until he exploded. All he had been trying to do was thread one of Kya’s beads into his new braids, so she could always be with him. But as his fingers were calloused from work and he low-key had no idea how to do this, he kept dropping the bead. Eventually, his frustration reached its full peek as he threw the bead across the room. Instantly, he regretted the decision as he frantically scrambled to his feet looking for the discarded accessory. When he could not find it, he broke down. He fell to the floor and sobbed. Katara had found him curled up in a ball, amidst a trashed bedroom. She tried to coax him to his feet, but he lashed out at her running off in tears. Hakoda instantly regretted raising his voice to his daughter, but before he had the chance to fix things, Sokka had swept in to save the day… So Hakoda dropped it.</p><p>The following morning Hakoda realised he was not in the right headspace to look after his children. So, Hakoda packed up his home and flew his kids to Ba Sing Se to live with their grandmother. It wasn’t supposed to be permanent… It was only supposed to be for a few months. But Hakoda’s work became his coping mechanism and as a result, he signed on for a tour in Afghanistan. Kanna was furious, she lectured him endlessly and tried to push Hakoda’s superior officers to issue a psych exam for her son. But they never did, maybe it was a racism thing, maybe it was just negligence, regardless it was an issue. But Hakoda entered the battlefield and it cleared his mind. It was loud, it was ugly, and it was violent. It was a place where Hakoda thought he belonged.</p><p>Hakoda still visited his kids whenever he got leave between his tours. But as time progressed Hakoda began to experience the consequences of his actions. When Hakoda returned home post-tour number three, Sokka didn’t great him with a big bear hug and Katara didn’t shove some report card in his face, in fact, they weren’t even home. The two of them were out at their friend Aangs house. Hakoda cried himself to sleep that night, as he desperately tried to think up a way to make it up to his kids. Of course, his attempts must have been feeble because nothing he did ever seemed to work. So Hakoda would just sign on to a new tour in some other war or accept deployment at some random base so he would not have to deal with the fact his kids probably hated him. It was a lot easier to pretend that there were no issues when you were physically apart.</p><p>Of course, Hakoda still supported his kids. He sent them money, organised appointments, came and visited for special occasions and called them as often as he could. But it was not enough… it was never enough. No wonder the fight with Sokka had left a bitter taste in Hakoda’s mouth.</p><p>He promised himself when Sokka was born that he wouldn’t let the world hurt him. He dedicated Sokka’s childhood to help him protect himself from the world’s blows. But he the bullets came flying from within, and Hakoda had been the one holding the trigger. Hakoda could lie to himself as much as he wanted, but he knew he had fucked up and he would be lucky if Sokka ever spoke to him again. But still, he called and texted Sokka regularly, He set up therapy appointments for him, paid his rent, sometimes even had food delivered. He never received a response from Sokka, but the money always left his account, so Hakoda could at least rest easy knowing he was somewhat helping his son. And Hakoda promised himself that no matter the circumstances, if Sokka ever changed his mind, Hakoda would leap at the chance to become a better father.</p><p>That is at least how Hakoda was thinking when he received a phone call from Sokka in the middle of the night. At first, Hakoda was reluctant in answering, especially considering 20 minutes ago Hakoda had just endured an intense war flashback and his PTSD was fucking with him. But Hakoda took a deep breath, remembering that Sokka was his son, and if Sokka needed him, he would be there, no matter what.</p><p>To Hakoda’s surprise, he was greeted with an anxious Zuko who was talking way to fast to make any sense.</p><p>“Zuko…. Zuko, calm down. Take a deep breath” Hakoda instructed, remember the instruction his own therapist had given him to assist with panic. He waited for Zuko to take a few breaths before continuing to talk. “Alright now one thing at a time. What exactly is going on?”</p><p>“Sokka’s really sick! I just do not know what to do. Nothing on google matches with what’s going on and I’m scared because all the symptoms are pointing to something much worse than what actu-” Hakoda cut Zuko off.</p><p>“Breathe Zuko… Okay. So, what actually is wrong? Does he have the flu or something?”</p><p>“He’s detoxing” Hakoda raised his brows surprised. Sokka was getting clean?</p><p>“Okay. He’s been through a few detoxes before, of course, they were uh milder, but still um walk me through his symptoms.”</p><p>“He’s just- it's like the normal withdrawal symptoms but pushed to the max, and its already been a week and it just seems to be at a standstill. But tonight, he had a huge breakdown, he broke some shit, hurt himself and just emotionally imploded.” Hakoda’s heart broke…</p><p>“Okay. Look, Sokka was diagnosed with depression as a kid, so my guess is without that shit in his system, the floodgates opened, and he had an episode. I don’t know if he still takes any medication for it, I mean, he’s supposed too but the drugs would’ve messed with his prescribed meds anyway, so who knows… He might have some in that cabinet above the fridge… if he doesn’t his grandmother should have his scripts. Uh..” Zuko just hummed in response as Hakoda heard shuffling. </p><p>“He’s got a few different types. Um, Lexapro? Effexor? Fluoxetine?”</p><p>“I’d go with the Lexapro. It should be a mild dosage one, I wouldn’t want to give him a heavy dosage if he’s detoxing and the side effects of that didn’t bother him too much. But it’s probably best to check with his doctor… Has he been eating?”</p><p>“He hasn’t kept anything down in days…”</p><p>“Fuck… okay um. Zuko, can you drive?”</p><p>“Yeah, I have my licence.”</p><p>“I want you to take him to the hospital.”</p><p>“I don’t have enough money to be-” Hakoda cut the boy off, feeling the panic rising in his voice.</p><p>“Zuko. I will pay alright. When you get to the hospital, put him under my insurance, I’ve still got him listed as a dependable. I’ll send you through the details alright. Can you do that?”</p><p>“Y-yeah… he’s gonna be mad though he hates hospitals”</p><p>“Tell him he doesn’t have to stay alright? Just tell him to get some fluids, ask the nurse about the antidepressants while you’re there. If he doesn’t wanna stay for the recovery period he doesn’t have to. Just please get him the treatment.”</p><p>“I’ll t-try….” Zuko’s voice began to crack as Hakoda sighed. He put Zuko on speaker as he began to book the next flight home.</p><p>“Hey, Zuko. Keep your breathing up okay. I know this is a tough situation and it’s okay if you want to break okay? Take care of yourself to.”</p><p>“I c-can’t break… He needs me” Zuko’s voice was soft and strained as if he was holding back tears.</p><p>“You have to look after yourself too. Alright? Look I've just booked a flight home, I should be there by 8 am alright? I’ll meet you at the hospital and we can go from there alright.”</p><p>“Sokka will be mad I called you.”<br/><br/>“We’ll lie alright. Say I called and you just picked up. He’s mad at me, not you. But his health is the most important thing right now okay?”</p><p>“Okay…”</p><p>“You gonna be okay until I see you”</p><p>“Y-yeah..”</p><p>“Alright. I’ll see you soon” and with that Hakoda hung up and left to see his son.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey guys,<br/>So this chapter obviously brushed on some issues of racism and although I'm not indigenous I do hope this helps shed some light on how racism can be more than just mean words. </p><p>Now I honestly don't know much about how Inuit people are treated, all I have is research to go off, but I based these attitudes on how I perceived authority figures to be treating my indigenous classmates. Its so sad to shame people into thinking their culture makes them a bad person. So i hope i shed some light. </p><p>NOTE: this is loosely based off one experience and racism can come in many ways shapes and forms.<br/>If you want to learn more about indigenous cultures, i suggest researching local groups. This is a non for profit indigenous run group from my country. feel free to check it out: https://www.commonground.org.au/</p><p>Anyway summary of this note is, Dont be a dick. ACAB and Black lives matter.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. I am my Own Abuser</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sokka and Hakoda talk</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw: Discussion of mental illness, Depictions of self-harm</p><p>* This is one an example of mental illness note every one is the same*</p><p>Song: Lego house - Ed Sheeran</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies, it comes from the people you love and well; Sokka had been betrayed. Okay, he maybe being a little dramatic, he wasn’t exactly betrayed, but Zuko did cross a line. It wasn’t like he had a problem with Zuko being on his phone, after all, he had nothing to hide but to use that trust and call up Hakoda? Now that was a low blow. Zuko knew exactly how tense things were between the two of them and the fact that Zuko honestly thought now was a good time to contact the man? It was safe to say, Sokka was not happy. Then to make matters worse, thanks to Zuko’s scheming, Sokka was trapped in a hospital room with the bastard. It was too much and Sokka wanted out. His father’s presence was reopening wounds he was far from ready to deal with and as a result, Sokka began to break. Well, it’s not like you could break something that was already broken, but the sentiment was there. So, Sokka did his best to ignore Hakoda. He spent the first few hours of his treatment chatting away with a sleep-deprived Zuko, but eventually, the man’s body gave way and Zuko passed out in a nearby chair. With no Zuko to distract his son, Hakoda took the opportunity to interact.</p><p>“How are you feeling kiddo?” Hakoda asked, his voice was soft as if trying to coax answers out of his vulnerable son. Sokka just scoffed in reply, refusing to let his father manipulate him.</p><p>“I’m fine” He spat as Hakoda hummed in response.</p><p>“Right... it’s not like you’re in the hospital or anything.” His eyes darted to the IV drip in Sokka’s arm.</p><p>“The sarcasm is not appreciated” Sokka kept his tone dry and distant, refusing to let Hakoda break through his walls. Hakoda just gave a silent nod as he sunk in the empty chair beside Zuko. Sokka could not help but notice the man was still in uniform, meaning he must have come directly from the base. Sokka honestly was not sure what to make of this, as much as he was still pissed at Hakoda, the man must’ve dropped everything to see if his son was alright. “Why are you here dad? Katara said you went back to work”</p><p>“I did… but Zuko called. I was worried.”</p><p>“And you thought I’d need you or something?”</p><p>“No… I know you don’t need me. But you are unwell… As if I wouldn’t come.”</p><p>“Funny, I’ve been sick plenty of times over the years, never seen you there.” Sokka spat, shifting in his spot, trying to make himself look more intimidating, trying to make it seem like he wasn’t breaking inside.</p><p>“I’ve been there for all your other detoxes Sokka… I’m not about to change that.”</p><p>“Hmmm. Still doesn’t change things.”</p><p>“I know and I’m sorry.” Sokka glanced at his father, mouth agape as he stared in shook. Did his father just apologise? “I’m so sorry...” He repeated, sinking his head into his hands as he tried to hold back his own emotions. However, despite his attempts, Sokka noticed the shakiness of his voice and the way he choked back a small sob.</p><p>The actions came as a huge surprise to Sokka, everything Sokka knew about his father was far from the fragile display in front of him. Hakoda didn’t get emotional. Hell, he was a tough military professional, an amazing tactician, a leader with an incredible shot! He had half a dozen medals for valour, his fellow soldiers relied on him for support, he was not a weak man. He was a man to be respected, a man who defended others, a man who fought for his beliefs. So why was he breaking in front of Sokka right now? Sokka raised an eyebrow at his dad, encouraging him to further explain himself. It took a moment, as Hakoda refused to speak until he had composed himself, however eventually he turned to face his son.</p><p>“S-sorry.” He mumbled, embarrassed by his display. “You don’t need my shit to… I just- You are right okay. I fucked up… I wish I could change things, but I can’t but I’m here now…” Sokka sighed his need to protect others filtering in.</p><p>“What shit dad… What’s going on?” Hakoda’s eyes fluttered shut for a brief second, as he bit down on the edge of his thumb. Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes looking at his son.</p><p>“I- I’ve recently been diagnosed with PTSD.” He mumbled, but for Sokka, all the puzzle pieces fell in place. The way his father would avoid any reference to his work, or with Kya. The fact he would avoid coming to the house where she died, or that his work seemed to no longer bring him joy. The way he distanced himself from others and became emotionally unavailable. The uncharacteristic anger outbursts, the way Sokka had been thrust into the role of the caregiver and even the low self-esteem. It made sense… But what was it that caused Hakoda to develop this illness? Was it the war? Was its Kya? Was it something else entirely?</p><p>“What are your triggers?” Sokka asked softly.</p><p>“Sokka… We are here about you right now. I can wait.”</p><p>“Please just answer the question.” Hakoda sighed in response.</p><p>“So far, I think it’s just… loud noises, certain locations and like some conversations”</p><p>“And what happens? Panic attacks? Flashbacks?”</p><p>“That pretty much hits the nail on the head.”</p><p>“Is this because of work or mum or something?”</p><p>“A mixture… Mainly Afghanistan, but the situation with your mother was very similar to some things I've experienced on the field…”</p><p>“Fuck dad… I wish I knew. This changes a lot.” Hakoda furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as if to say how. Sokka continued. “Mental illness isn’t an excuse, but it does explain behaviour. I mean fuck, Zuko has a panic attack almost every day, and it puts him on edge and sometimes he says or does things he doesn’t mean, and as much as I might be upset, I know it's not intentional. Same with me and well, the drugs. Yeah, they aren’t good, and I’ve done some shitty things to get them. But I would never intentionally hurt someone. I just can’t handle my depression… It’s the same with you dad. I’ve always thought you just did things because that’s what you wanted, but it’s not isn’t it? It’s just you trying to cope”</p><p>“I suppose,” Sokka nodded at his father’s response and flopped backwards on the hospital bed and sighed.</p><p>“God, when did everything become such a mess.” Sokka wanted to be mad at his father. He wanted to punch him or scream at him and curse him for what he put his children through. But this new information restrained him. His father was human just like everyone else, and he had been through some shit. Could Sokka blame him, Afterall if he did continue to carry out the grudge, wouldn't that make him the biggest freaking hypocrite?</p><p>After a while of awkward silence, Sokka pulled himself to his feet.</p><p>“I’m going to get some air, I’ll be back. Watch Zuko for me? He’s been pretending he’s stronger than he is”</p><p>“Yeah sure. You gonna be okay kiddo?” He asked as Sokka nodded, giving Hakoda an awkward hug.</p><p>“We’ll work this out. Just… Give me time alright dad. Maybe once I am properly clean all these emotions will be easier to handle” Hakoda hugged his son back</p><p>“Yeah, I get that Sokka. I’ll be here waiting, just take your time” Sokka gave a nod then grabbed the Infusion pole and made his way to the roof. He knew patients weren’t allowed up here and the reason was evident. A 10-story high building, with no barrier to keep people away from the edge- yeah not exactly the safest option for a hospital full of depressed nutjobs. But still, Sokka snuck his way there and sat with his feet dangling over the edge. He lit a cigarette, hoping the nicotine would help subside his cravings, as he stared at the city below. He wasn’t gonna lie, he thought about jumping. It would be so easy to just push forward and plumule into the afterlife. Sokka knew it was just his depression talking, but the desire was still there. Especially considering the hospital staff had treated most of his other withdrawal symptoms, making it so that there was nothing to distract his mind from the thought. The nausea was gone, the hunger had gone away, the fever had been reduced and the dehydration had been fixed. All he needed was a good sleep and he would be okay- well at least he hoped he would be. This little voice, however, seemed to differ. It told him that life without drugs wasn’t worth the pain, that everything was too hard, that it was too difficult, that he wouldn’t be able to manage.</p><p>The only thing stopping him from listening to the voice was the thought of Zuko. Zuko his sun, Zuko his happiness. Zuko who rose at the crack of dawn, but still let Sokka sleep in. Zuko who would come in hours later with hot jasmine tea and toast, to ensure Sokka had a healthy start to the day. Zuko who wore Sokka’s shirt and laughed at his cheesy jokes. Zuko who was warm to the touch and warmed the soul. Zuko who would prefer to cuddle and watch Netflix rather than go out. Zuko who studied liberal arts to gain an insight into the world and would lecture boomers about their blatant bigotry. Zuko who could dance with swords but when it came to the ballroom had to left feet. Zuko whose nose crinkled when he smiled and who bit his lip while anxious. Zuko who got upset when Sokka killed a spider rather than letting it outside. Zuko who like to wear crop tops and leather jacket just to spite his homophobic father, Zuko who would love to paint and sing. Zuko who Sokka was completely and utterly in love with.</p><p>But that wasn’t all there was to Zuko. Zuko was damaged, broken beyond repair. He had been beaten, bullied and branded, and as a result, he was barely hanging by a thread. He had anxiety episodes daily and often struggled to fit in. But still, Zuko somewhat coped, Zuko never took drugs or did anything like that. He had mantras, grounding techniques, breathing exercises and distraction techniques. But most successfully. Zuko had his blades. If carving up his skin worked for Zuko, maybe a similar pain-inducing technique would work for Sokka. Plus it wasn’t like Zuko could get mad at Sokka right? That would be a huge double standard. So without further ado, Sokka took his lit cigarette and pressed it again his forearm. It stung, as the smell of burnt flesh filled his nostrils, but the technique however worked. Sokka’s mind tuned in to the pain and nothing more. The little voice shut the hell up, as the sensation of the burn overwhelmed his senses. Sokka knew what he was doing was wrong, and he knew others would have some choice words if they found out. But at least it wasn’t drugs… Right?</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Into the Flames</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shit hits the fans as Sokka decides to sign up to a mental health / rehab program</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: The fine print - The Stupendium</p><p>* TW: Mental health, institutions, corrupt medical staff, blackmail, discussion of self-harm, mentions of drugs etc. </p><p>This is a HUGE chapter guys. I've been wanting to share this for so long!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Zuko harboured a deep resentment of hospitals. Having spent most of his childhood within them, Zuko had learnt to associate the white walls with pain. His earliest memory of the place occurred when he was six years old, sure he had been hurt before, but this was the first time that warranted emergency attention. The Agni family had gone out to lunch to celebrate Azula’s birthday. It was nice originally, minus the marital drama. Azula had gotten everything she asked for, including the golden comb that Zuko had picked out for her. Ozai was so please, doting on his daughter’s every word, as he downed drink after drink. Zuko should’ve known better, he knew not to test his father’s patience whenever he consumed alcohol, but he was in such a good mood that Zuko didn’t think asking Azula if he could try her lipstick would cause such backlash. However, before Zuko knew it, he was sobbing into his mother’s shirt, wrist snapped in half. Ozai wanted to head home, have their personal medical team look after Zuko, but Ursa snarled at him, the house was over an hour away, so Zuko ended up in the hospital. The doctors gave Zuko pain relief and a lollipop to make him happy as they reset his arm. Zuko thought the cast looked cool, but as much as he wanted the pink cast, he settled on red, not daring to anger his father further. The whole drive home Ursa yelled at Ozai as Azula drew fun things on Zuko’s cast.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The next time Zuko stepped through the emergency, he was eight years old. Azula and Zuko had been sparing at the local Karate studio and Ozai had been pushing them over their limits. However, when the two siblings refused to hurt each other, Ozai targeted Azula and rendered her unconscious. Instantly, Ozai regretted his actions and called an ambulance stating “I took my eyes off them for one second and I came back, and she was on the ground…” The doctors scolded Zuko, telling him off. Zuko entered panic, started to hyperventilate, as the doctors put the events of the day as a mental health episode on Zuko’s part. He ended up with a black mark against his name.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Child services got involved when Zuko was thirteen. After all, a kid rocks up with half of his face burnt off a full investigation is warranted. Despite the fear in Zuko’s eyes or the way he flinched at his father’s every move, child services backed away with a simple cheque. Zuko was furious, but he knew better than to make it known as he knew he would continue to see those white walls in the darkest hours of his life.  </em>
</p><p>~</p><p>The quiet drone of the hospital machinery filled Zuko’s ears as he shifted in the metal chair. You would think that after all his time in the streets he would be able to sleep anywhere, but the kink in his back argued otherwise. Deciding that twisting and turning was not going to assist him, Zuko stretched high and opened his eyes. He felt quite well after his nap but as Zuko glanced around the empty room, that was soon replaced with a sickening feeling. Quietly, shedding the blanket from his shoulders, Zuko began to search the area for Sokka and Hakoda, eventually finding them down the hall speaking to a doctor. Zuko stood in the doorway, eyebrow raised as the doctor was wrapping a bandage around Sokka’s thigh.</p><p>“What’s going on?” Zuko asked</p><p>“N-nothing…” Sokka whispered, avoiding eye contact with Zuko. Zuko frowned, entering the room.</p><p>“You’re hurt? What happened?” He sat on the table beside Sokka, letting the taller gentleman sink into his side. However, when Sokka refused to answer, Zuko glanced to Hakoda for answers.</p><p>“Found him on the roof burning his leg” Hakoda sighed, as Zuko jaw dropped.</p><p>“W-what. But W-why?”</p><p>“I thought it might help, it did” he mumbled</p><p>“God sake Sokka. That is not- This isn’t any better!”</p><p>“You do it…”</p><p>“And fuck, you know what that does to people Sokka… You know how much I am trying to undo that mindset.” He whispered, silent tears falling.</p><p>“… Sorry.” Sokka mumbled, giving Zuko’s hand a squeeze when the doctor interrupted.</p><p>“Considering that Sokka’s mental health is the underlying cause of his addiction I’m going to suggest a 30-day inpatient program at a rehabilitation institution we have attached to this hospital.” The doctor spoke, handing Hakoda and Sokka both flyers to the Lake Logai Institution for Mental Health.</p><p>“This looks decent” Hakoda commented, flicking through the information.</p><p>“It’s the best program in the state. Of course, this program is self-admitted, so Sokka can walk out any time he feels fit, however, the 30 days is the recommended minimum time. Just be cautioned, common areas are shared with patients who are housed there due to court-mandated recovery or are deemed legally unstable. However, guards will monitor the areas.”</p><p>“What do you think Sokka?”</p><p>“I- yeah it… It seems good. But will you be okay if I go Zuko.” Zuko just stared blankly at the flyer, the white walls, the institution and the worry in his chest was just too overwhelming. He wanted to scream, wanted to cry, but Sokka was more important right now, so Zuko would cope. Forcing the lump down his throat and taking a gulp of air, Zuko nodded his head.</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”</p><p>“I’ll cover the rent and bills Zuko, so don’t worry about that okay? Just look after yourself”</p><p>“Okay…”</p><p>“Can Zuko visit me once I'm admitted?” Sokka asked, causing Zuko to freeze.</p><p>“Of course!” The doctor smiled, causing Sokka to nudge Zuko’s side</p><p>“You can visit whenever you’re lonely” Zuko faked a laugh.</p><p>“Are you kidding me, a month of having the bed to myself and no one drinking my tea. I’m going to be in heaven!” Sokka smiled tiredly at Zuko, as the doctor finished up the bandages, letting Sokka pull up his pants.</p><p>“Right, well since you’re admitted in here already it’ll be easy to transfer. Would you like to go now?”</p><p>“May swell… I’m clean. If I go home, I don’t think I’ll be able to stay that way.” The doctor nodded at Sokka understanding, as he led the group towards the back building. As Zuko walked, he felt his feet become heavier with every step, he felt his heart rate increase and his mind starting to wonder. When the group entered the lobby, Zuko found himself frozen in front of the reception desk, unable to move. Hakoda and Sokka stood a few feet ahead of him, signing papers as he spiralled. He suddenly took a step backwards, not being able to stand this building anymore as he crashed into a guard, falling to the floor, causing everyone to look at him.</p><p>“You alright kid?” the guard held out his hand, as Zuko scrambled to his feet.</p><p>“Zuko? Is that you?” a voice called from behind the reception, as Zuko’s eyes darted towards the exit. Could he make it? The voice obviously recognised the look in Zuko’s eye, as before he even had the chance to bolt the order was given to seize him. The guard beside him took a hold of his arms as Zuko fought back using his mixed martial arts knowledge to defend himself. Zuko broke free, bolting for the door but was tackled by another guard and jabbed with a large needle, the last thing Zuko heard before everything went black was Sokka shouting his name. By the time he came to, he was restrained. Zuko was used to the straight jackets they used to restrict movement, just as much as he was used to the drug, they had obviously given him. The all too familiar groggy feeling consumed him as he felt slightly detached from his mind and body. He glanced around the padded room, as he clumsily used the wall to assist his efforts to stand. He started to fight against the jacket when Hakoda, Sokka and Zuko’s old doctor entered; worry planted on all their faces.</p><p>“Zuko, it’s good to see you again. We honestly thought you were dead. Your father has asked a couple of times to assist in the search for you, we never expected you to walk in our doors again.”</p><p>“B-bite m-my ass Frank” Zuko stuttered, struggling for breath as he used the padded wall for support as he stood.</p><p>“What’s going on here Zuko? This doctor won’t tell us anything.” He spoke softly, walking towards his boyfriend. The doctor held a hand up, stopping Sokka.</p><p>“I’ll have to ask you to stand back. Zuko here is one of the most dangerous patients. We made the mistake of transferring him to home care a few years ago. He escaped and has been on the run for the past year.”</p><p>“Zuko wouldn’t hurt a fly” Sokka argued.</p><p>“I’m sorry to tell you, but Zuko has hurt many people. While within our walls he’d lash out at other patients and staff, and well, his father has faxed through his all the arrest warrants he’s had to make disappear.”</p><p>“Sokka. Do not listen to him. Please” Zuko begged, huffing as he tried to move his arms out of the jacket.  </p><p>“Read the reports if you wish.” The doctor handed the very thick file to Hakoda.</p><p>“What are the freedom fighters?” Hakoda asked, skimming the information on the paper.</p><p>“That’s Jet’s gang. Isn’t it?” Sokka asked as Zuko gave a soft nod, his eyes fluttering shut.</p><p>“Jet, as in Katara’s ex?” Sokka nodded at his father</p><p>“Yeah, Zuko dated and lived with him for a bit. He’s an abusive prick”</p><p>“I see. Well, Frank was it? This is all circumstantial, you have no legal right to hold an adult against their will with these petty charges.”</p><p>“I understand where you’re coming from but I’m afraid I can’t help you. Zuko does not have medical emancipation. When he turned eighteen the courts voted he was unfit to remain independent. His caregiver calls the shots.”</p><p>“And who would that be?” Hakoda spat.</p><p>“That would be me.” A new voice entered, belonging to a sharp dressed man.</p><p>“Ah Mr Agni, welcome.”</p><p>“Frank” Ozai greeted, as he placed down his briefcase and walked over to Zuko. He placed his hands on Zuko’s shoulders, causing him to flick his eyes back open. Noticing his father in front of him, panic consumed Zuko. “Stay away from me!” he whimpered, attempting to knee his father in the stomach. Ozai merely blocked the attack, as Zuko sunk to the floor. Ozai kneeled in front of his son.</p><p>“Zuko, you need to calm down.” He said calmly, as Sokka clutched his fists, remembering the conversation he and Zuko shared about this man. Hakoda picked up on Sokka’s emotion but shook his head slightly as if to tell him not now. “Zuko come now, deep breaths.” Zuko wanted to ignore his father, wanted to run away, but having been literally backed into a wall, he did not really have that option. So, Zuko found himself listening to his father, whether it was out of fear, or desperation he was not sure. But regardless, he knew one thing, due to the fact his father smelled of sage and cigar smoke rather than whiskey, his father would not hurt him. “In and out, good.” He continued to follow the breathing instructions until calm. “Frank take this jacket off him. If you have already sedated him, he does not need this too. You’ll just send him into a panic.” The doctor immediately nodded, walking over, and removing the jacket, disposing of it to the side. Zuko was now left in his pink crop top and black jeans, something he would rather not wear around his homophobic father, but still, it was better than the alternative.</p><p>“If we move to a meeting space Zuko are you going to be calm?” Ozai asked as Zuko gave a nod. After witnessing the affirmation, Ozai took Zuko’s arm, escorting his doped-up son to a meeting space, the others following. Ozai lay Zuko on the couch as he took a chair at the desk for himself. Sokka immediately flew to Zuko’s side, letting Zuko rest his head in his lap.</p><p>“Mr Agni, Here are the blood tests you asked for,” Frank spoke, handing over Zuko’s file.</p><p>“God Zuko… Have you been looking after yourself at all? You’re lacking in almost every nutrients department.”</p><p>“We can prepare an Iv for him immediately”</p><p>“That would be good thank you. We will continue his treatment but let us only give him the anxiety medication. I do not go back on my word and promised he would not have to take the others”</p><p>“Of course, sir.”</p><p>“And while I’m at it, who are these two strangers?” Ozai signalled to Sokka and Hakoda.</p><p>“Lieutenant-general Hakoda Southwater” Hakoda spoke, holding out his hand. Ozai shook it firmly.</p><p>“A military man. I hold much respect for you. Thank you for your service but how do you know my son?”</p><p>“I’m his father” he gestures to Sokka who was currently playing with Zuko’s hair trying to keep Zuko calm.</p><p>“Ah. The boyfriend. My daughter mentioned him. Now right, which one is he? The rapist or the junkie?” Hakoda raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“Sokka is currently receiving treatment for addiction but he isn’t a junkie.”</p><p>“Hmm… Whatever you’d like to call it. Still doesn’t explain why you’re insisting on getting involved in this conversation”</p><p>“Well, Mr Agni-”</p><p>“Please call me Ozai”</p><p>“Ozai- With all due respect, Zuko has been managing quite well independently, having been around recently I would say that this is unnecessary”</p><p>“Really is that so? Care to explain why my son’s waist is carved up then?” Hakoda did not have a response to that. Ozai continued, “How about you stick your nose out of my family’s business.”</p><p>“I’m not going to just let you fuck up Zuko’s life” Ozai chuckled.</p><p>“You have a daughter, right? Katara; She seems sweet. Would be a shame if all that hard work she has done to get her medical licence went down the drain. Schedule two drug solicitation will not only get your medical licence revoked but can have you thrown in jail.”</p><p>“What the hell are you going on about?”</p><p>“I suggest you leave now until I’m forced to persuade you” Ozai spat, handing Hakoda a file of enough fake evidence to ruin his daughter's life.</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Say Goodbye</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sokka starts his treatment, Zuko is nowhere to be seen.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger warning: mentions of abuse, talk of rape, talk of drugs, corrupt systems etc.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Seventeen days…</p><p>It had been seventeen days since Sokka last saw Zuko, so it was fair to say he was worried. To explain Zuko’s absence, Sokka could not help but imagine the worst possible scenarios. Maybe they had sold him? Were they using electro-shock therapy as a form of behaviour modification? Maybe they had had him tied to a chair and were torturing him crime show style. It would not have been all too surprising considering who Ozai was. So, Sokka had tried to pry for information on Zuko.  After checking into the drug rehabilitation program Lake Logai offered, Sokka had spent his free time trying to obtain information from anyone he could regarding his boyfriend. So far he had obtained very little and at this point, Sokka did start to fret, but the number of times that Ozai and Azula had signed into the facility’s guest book was enough to convince Sokka that Zuko must still be alive. However, due to his standstill regarding the Zuko issue, Sokka was forced to rely on Hakoda’s rescue efforts on the outside, but with Katara’s life threatened, and hope seemed futile.</p><p>So, Sokka was forced to accept the benefits of his short stay program and work on his rehabilitation. The program itself was odd, but Sokka had found it somewhat working. With a mixture of exercise, therapy, and tough love, Sokka had begun to kick his addiction and although the cravings were still persistent, Sokka found himself managing okay. Throughout his stay, Sokka had met various people ranging from struggling single mothers to ex-war criminals. But one man caught Sokka’s attention, and the two formed an unlikely connection.</p><p>The man’s name was pipsqueak, well at least that’s what everyone called him. He was a large muscular man, with a heart of gold who checked himself in after a horrific situation with his old gang. The gang’s leader was raping and abusing a younger kid and Pipsqueak blamed himself for allowing it to happen. He claimed if he weren’t high out of his mind, he would’ve noticed and maybe he could have put a stop to it. The staff weren’t nearly as nice as pipsqueak. The was unempathetic and just downright cruel, but still, somehow the amount of emotional detachment helped motivate Sokka. After all, you can’t tug at the heartstrings of someone who doesn’t have a heart, so, he wasn’t able to guilt anyone into giving him drugs.</p><p>So yeah, he guessed the program was kind of working. He went to all his appointments, he opened up to his therapist, he discussed issues at the group, and he got himself back into healthy lifestyle habits such as eating a balanced meal, sleeping normal hours and exercising. As for his free time, whenever he wasn't looking for Zuko he read, he went to the inbuilt gym, hell he even often joined pipsqueak and his friend Duke for a cigarette in the foyer. Occasionally Hakoda would visit, or some of his uni mates, or the Gaang. They would waltz in bearing gifts, making up a random excuse to swing by before spending the day catching up.</p><p>Today was no different; as Katara, Aang and Toph had all come to visit, bearing gifts in the form of Iroh’s tea. Toph had been covering Sokka’s shifts at the Jasmine Dragon to ensure Iroh wasn’t put out. She loved it there and often told Sokka if he didn’t hurry up and get better, Sokka wouldn’t have a job to return to as it would most definitely be given to her. Sokka was glad that at least Iroh wasn’t indisposed by his fuck ups. They spoke about a lot of things, the weather, school, Sokka’s treatment; just anything to fill the space. But as the conversation dragged on, Zuko was eventually mentioned. He had expected it, they were just as worried about their friend as Sokka was, but all the conversation did was remind Sokka of Zuko’s whereabouts.</p><p>“Any news on the Zuko front?” Toph asked, sipping the iced hibiscus tea she brought along. Sokka started forward, taking a long drag of his cigarette before, burying his head in his hands.</p><p>“I wish. Just a dead end. Ozai and Azula keep signing in to visit him, so I know he is here somewhere, but they haven’t been in days. Any luck on trying to get answers from Azula?” Sokka asked Katara, who fell into a solemn silence.</p><p>“No, Ty Lee won’t give us Azula’s contact information, and whenever I try to use Zuko to motivate Ty Lee she just says, ‘Trust me, he’s safe’ Like what kind of bullshit is that.” Sokka groaned, squishing his cigarette against the plastic table as he looked up to face the group.</p><p>“No, he’s not safe there’s something wrong about this place. Long term patients act like zombies. They’re nothing but blank slates waiting to be reprogramed. On top of that, I’ve witnessed many people disappear, some never come back, but those who do are different.”</p><p>“Different how?” Aang asked, his interest piqued.</p><p>“It’s liked they’re a completely new person. They may have the same face as the person who left, but they’re not the same person. They’re a clone or something”</p><p>“That’s not possible Sokka” Katara spoke.</p><p>“Well, how about you go take a waltz in the criminal ward and have yourself a good o’ conversation with Jet.”</p><p>“He’s here?”</p><p>“Well someone with his name and face is here. It's not him though. The guy is a quiet polite man, who is about to be released on parole because of all the work he’s done promoting President Roku’s reformation agenda.”</p><p>“Wait seriously? But that’s the main thing the freedom fighters are trying to disassemble!” Toph shouted</p><p>“My point exactly!”</p><p>“But surely someone would speak up regarding this.” Katara sighed,</p><p>“Pipsqueak and Duke tried. They knew Jet from their freedom fighter days.  They may not like the guy, but they weren’t gonna just let it happen. They tried to speak to Jet. Jet had no idea who they even were. So, they were to the medical staff, and the staff merely looked at them confused. They even claimed Jet was brought here under different charges than what he was. The tried to argue but the staff warned them to drop it. They’ve been afraid to proceed.”</p><p>“Okay… So, we need out what’s going on and take this place down then!” Toph proclaimed.</p><p>“Yeah but how…” Sokka huffed. Toph went to reply, but suddenly everyone’s attention was drawn towards the father-daughter pair that had just entered the visiting area. Azula and Ozai were both dressed in the finest silk, sticking out like a sore thumb in a place like this. Sokka wanted to storm over there and demand answers, punch the smug bastards in the face but seeing Azula’s bloodshot eyes, Sokka realised she to may be a victim of Ozai’s abuse. The group watched as two large men escorted an exhausted Zuko into the foyer.  Sokka’s fists clenched, as he examined Zuko’s form. He was skinnier than before, and the dark circles under his eyes were more prominent. His hair was longer and unkempt, which was odd to see especially considering how much appearance meant to Zuko. Sokka raised in his chair, about to intervene in the situation, but Zuko immediately shot Sokka a look, begging him not to do anything. So Sokka helplessly slumped back into his chair. Sokka watched as Zuko was deposited opposite his family, as the guards took position a few meters away. Zuko immediately slipped forward, his head falling to the table as he barely had the energy to hold himself up.</p><p>“How are you holding up Zuko?”</p><p>“Peachy” Zuko spat, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment. Sokka watched, biting his tongue, praying the Ozai wouldn’t do anything cruel.</p><p>“You settling in okay?”</p><p>“I haven’t left my room in over two weeks except to talk to you. How do you think I'm settling in” Zuko hissed between closed teeth. Ozai reached forward, and Sokka held his breath, luckily the man didn’t attack but rather move his son’s hair from his face.</p><p>“You’re safe here. You’ll get readjusted and it’ll be okay.”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>“You know I love you Zuko. I just want to do what’s best for you.” Ozai muttered, cupping his son’s cheek. Sokka scoffed, watching the pair as Zuko opened his eyes and stared at the man.</p><p>“No, you don’t. If your words were true you would’ve quit drinking”</p><p>“I’m trying Zuko, you know that. I am sober right now”</p><p>“Hmm… Yet you still let me take the burden for your mistakes and stick me in a place like this. What can you possibly gain? It’s a government facility, you can’t possibly be profiting from it”</p><p>“I’m not profiting from it Zuko! I’m trying to keep you safe. I’ve always just wanted to keep you safe”</p><p>“yeah… that why half my face is burnt off”</p><p>“A drunken mistake”</p><p>“Call it what you want. What is the purpose of this visit? What do you want”?</p><p>“To- to say goodbye Zuko. Azula and I aren’t gonna be swinging by anymore.”</p><p>“Oh? So, I’ll be kept in that room 24/7 then?”</p><p>“No, tomorrow you’ll things will change. But we both just wanted to say goodbye.”</p><p>“Cool, well you said it. Leave.” He spat at his father. Ozai nodded standing in his chair, “I’ll leave you and your sister. Azula find me when you’re done”</p><p>Sokka watched as Ozai walked away, immediately racing to Zuko’s side. Zuko smiled faintly at his boyfriend, snuggling into his side, as Azula spoke with teary eyes.</p><p>“Zuko… I think I think you should treasure this moment as much as you possibly can. I tried to talk father out of it. But he is stubborn… You are not going to see Sokka or your friends again… Just… I’m sorry.” As Azula spoke, Sokka raised an eyebrow confused.</p><p>“I don’t care what’s happening, we are going to get you out of here Zuko. Dad’s working on some shit on the outside. Just hold on a little bit okay, Dad said one more week and all the legal paperwork should be processed, and you will be out.”</p><p>“I can do that” Sokka beamed at Zuko’s words and kissed him gently.</p><p>“I love you Zuko”</p><p>“I love you too” Azula leaned forward, slipping a small dagger into his hands as tears fell from her eyes.</p><p>“Zuko, if you’re taken to see the mother of faces. Run.”</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. My Mistake or Yours</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ozai and Hakoda Fight about Zuko. Iroh decides its time to take action.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tw: mentions of child abuse and suicide</p><p>- song: Bird song - Florence and the machine </p><p>-  hey guys sorry its been so long since a chapter. I've been overwhelmed with classwork. I don't know when the next one will be as I'm about to enter a practical experience but I will try my best.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Iroh had always been overprotective of his little brother Ozai, especially growing up the way they did. He was fifteen years old when he first looked into Ozai’s eyes, and the knowledge of his role came to light. Iroh knew what he had to do, he had to protect his brother. With an absent mother and an abusive father, Iroh knew that if he did not learn to tread carefully, this fragile child would break. So, Iroh did his best to shield Ozai from life, protecting him from the press, bullies and most importantly their father. He took the brute force of the old man’s rage, desperate to protect Ozai from experiencing that pain. Slowly and steadily Iroh slipped into the role of caregiver, becoming primarily responsible for his brother’s upbringing, but it was not enough to protect him.</p><p>The problem lied within Iroh. Iroh having been born out of wedlock and exhibiting eccentricities from a young age, their father; Azulon chose Ozai to be his heir instead of Iroh. Iroh could not do anything but watch as Ozai was moulded into a smart-ass, a cheat, and a killer. It was hardly a surprise that forced training lead to alcohol abuse. The long nights and the heavy trauma forced Ozai to self-medicate, and his vice eventually consumed him. Iroh tried to pry his brother from addiction’s grip, but with such a lifestyle, the task seemed impossible. Iroh hated the direction of their life and honestly, all seemed bleak, that was until Ozai met Ursa. For a small while, things seemed okay. Azulon backed off, the couple had children and for the first time, Ozai seemed to be free of stress, however as they say, when life settles down, that’s when shit hits the fan.</p><p>When Zuko was young, Azulon had had a psychotic break and the result turned everyone’s world’s upside down. In a mad panic, Azulon had taken a knife and gone on a spree, attacking anything that so much glanced at him. Iroh’s wife and son had been taken by his father’s hand, and Ozai had been heavily injured. As Ozai began to work through recovery, he slowly fell back into his self-destructive habits. Things became so bad that he pushed his wife into the arms of another man, turned his daughter into a miniature version of himself and destroyed Zuko’s self-confidence. Iroh wanted to hate Ozai for what he did, wanted to hurt him for laying a hand on his niece and nephew, take the pair and run away. But Iroh knew, somewhere, deep down the brother he once knew was buried. Iroh honestly believed that one day, Ozai would sober up and that man would return, but as he sat in the Jasmine Dragon discussing Ozai’s latest actions with a frustrated Hakoda, Iroh started to lose hope. Placing his cup down on the bench, Iroh turned to his friend as he tried to voice his disappointment.  </p><p>“I am failing to find the words to express my disappointment. So, let me instead offer you an apology on behalf of my brother. I’ll call him and try to sort out this mess and ask him to back off from Katara.” Hakoda offered a solemn smile back at Iroh, grateful for Iroh’s words, even if they failed to calm his nerves. He was just about to respond, however, when Toph’s voice suddenly bellowed from the front of the house. The pair immediately got on their feet, darting towards the sound.</p><p>“You rat bastard!!” Toph screeched, nails clawing at the skin of a tall and slender man; Ozai. Iroh sighed, watching as the young girl fought with his brother before forcing the two apart. Iroh stepped between them, placing his hands on Ozai’s chest to calm the enraged man, as Hakoda scooped up Toph in his arms, hugging her tightly until she settled.</p><p>“What kind of fucking ninja staff are you hiring!” Ozai spat, trying to step forward and let Toph have it. Iroh held his position, rolling his eyes as he glanced at his brother.</p><p>“Toph is only twenty years old Ozai, do not engage further.” Ozai went to argue, however seeing the seriousness in Iroh’s eyes he dropped the subject, instead of taking a step back and settling into a stool.</p><p>“What the hell is he doing here?” Toph snapped, arms crossed as Hakoda hesitantly let the young girl go.</p><p>“I paid for this store, I am allowed to frequent it however often I choose” Ozai spat, leaning over the and grabbing a bottle of Sake.</p><p>“Not after what you did asshole.”</p><p>“Seriously old man, can you calm your staff. No wonder business is so poor today” Iroh sighed, yanking the bottle from his brother’s hands, placing it back.</p><p>“She’s a friend of Zuko’s, she has every right to be pissed at you. I’m pissed at you”</p><p>“Well, join the club.” He mumbled, pulling a small flask from his blazer, drinking that instead.</p><p>“Well, maybe people wouldn’t be pissed at you if you thought stuff through. What made you think this was a smart idea?”</p><p>“I stand by my decision. Even if everyone else thinks it’s the wrong one”</p><p>“How can you possibly think this is the-” Ozai cut his brother off by throwing his head back and groaning.</p><p>“Save it, Azula already gave me the lecture.”</p><p>“Listen, man, I don’t appreciate the sass. I know I fucked up” Ozai mumbled, taking a large gulp of sake straight from the bottle.</p><p>“Then why is Zuko still in that facility. You know exactly how much he hates it there. He was so desperate not to go back there he ended up living on the streets!” Hakoda shouted intruding on the conversation.</p><p>“Keep your nose out from where it belongs.” Ozai scoffed, finishing off his drink.</p><p>“I can assure you; I am exactly where I’m meant to be. Standing between you and Zuko.”</p><p>“Listen here, General. I know what is best for my son. So back the fuck off. My threat still stands” Hakoda lets out a strained laugh, running his hands through his beaded hair.</p><p>“Are you kidding me? You are solely responsible for every trauma that boy has endured. At the rate this is going, his suicide note will just contain your name and that’s it!” Ozai pushed away from the bench, standing up in fury.</p><p>“Watch your tongue boy” He spat at the younger father. “You have no idea of Zuko’s situation, you have no idea what my son needs, you have no idea what I’ve done for that boy”</p><p>“Oh, you’re right.” Hakoda said sourly, “All I know is that you’ve isolated him his entire life that he has an unhealthy craving for intimacy, the abuse he endured has forced him to become reliant on pain, oh and you know, he’s been burnt on the face, scarring him for life!”</p><p>“That!” Ozai jabs his finger at Ozai “Was a drunken mistake”</p><p>“What kind of person gets drunk enough to BRAND THEIR CHILD! Fuck, I may be a bad father, but that. That’s just all kinds of levelled off messed up. No wonder Zuko’s afraid of you”</p><p>Iroh watched as those words hit Ozai like a train. His hand fell limply to his side as he staggered back. Ozai squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose, as he tried to find the words to respond.</p><p>“… I’ve made many mistakes. I admit that. But Zuko is safe there and that is what matters. Safer than he’d ever been with me.”</p><p>“Anywhere would be safer than with you. Hell, he dated a man who raped him, just to avoid having to go back to you.”</p><p>“So, I’ve been informed…” Hakoda went to speak again before Iroh interrupted.</p><p>“It’s not too late to fix this Ozai. How about we go to the facility, sign Zuko out and sort this out. If you’re worried about his safety, he can stay with me for a while, and then maybe the two of you can sort this all out.”<br/>
<br/>
“It’s too late…”</p><p>“It’s never too late to make a change brother”</p><p>“No… You don’t understand she has him…”</p><p>“She? Who’s she?” Hakoda asked.</p><p>“My wife Ursa,” Ozai mumbled.</p><p>“Ursa treasures Zuko why is that a bad thing?” Iroh asked.</p><p>“Because… Because I told her Zuko is in danger!”</p><p>“Why would you say that?”</p><p>“Because! Father ordered me to kill him as a sign of loyalty. I obviously could not go through with it. So I said fuck it, Zuko needs to go into hiding, and if there’s one person who knows about going into hiding-“ Iroh cut off Ozai, by dropping the teapot he was holding in shock.</p><p>“Tell me she’s not…” Iroh said fearfully.</p><p>“It’s the only way!” Ozai said defensively.</p><p>Iroh did not bother to respond, frantically grabbing his keys and racing out of the door. This was positively the most stupid thing his brother had ever done, and poor Zuko would be paying the price. Iroh sped through traffic, racing towards the facility, darting inside but he was too late.</p><p>By the time he arrived, Ursa has sat the running through the final assessment, ensuring the procedure hadn’t negatively affected her son. She jotted some things down on a clipboard, wiping tears from her eyes as Zuko stared blankly at the ground.</p><p>“What have you done…” Iroh whispered, horror-stricken as he entered the room.</p><p>“I did what was necessary to protect my son…” She bit her lip, turning to face Zuko as she forced on a smile. “Lee sweetheart, this is Mushi! He’s your career. He will most likely visit you a lot. But I don’t think now is a good time to catch up, you had quite the injury and rest is important.” Zuko turned to face Iroh, a puzzled look on his face.</p><p>“Pleased to meet you, I’m sorry that I don’t remember you, but this lovely doctor said that if I rest up my memory might come back!” He smiled awkwardly.</p><p>“I see… Well, if everything is done… There’s nothing more I can do… I will be back for you Lee… as for you doctor, we will be discussing this… Now what should I call you”</p><p>“Please, Just call me the lady of faces”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Fading Memories</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The transition from Zuko to Lee</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tw; brainwashing</p><p>song: Take me apart - SYML</p><p>- hey guys! This mini-chapter is to keep you going for a bit until I'm able to write again. The next chapter will be a bit of a wait. but will be worth it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Sokka’s fingers were calloused, Ozai would say the bump were the symbol of the lower class. Zuko thought them to be more of symbolism for hard work. It meant you got down and dirty and used your hands for their intention. In Sokka’s case, it was usually a model building for his engineering class. But regardless of logic, the rough patches of skin on Sokka’s hand felt like silk against his own skin. He could not help but melt into Sokka’s arms whenever his fingertips grazed against his tender frame. </em>
</p><p>Zuko blinked haphazardly as he took in his surroundings. The last thing he remembered was being escorted by the orderlies before everything got hazy. They must have drugged him again, typical. Zuko had gotten used to their random experiments performed on his for the sake of science, but this was the first time he saw this lab. A large bench filled to the brim with random vials and syringes had Zuko squirming in his chair. It was upon this movement that Zuko realised he had been restrained to the chair. Dropping his shoulder with a dramatic sigh, Zuko glanced at the woman standing behind a screen, shielding her from the light buzzing above Zuko. She looked familiar, but Zuko could not place her, hell he could barely place anything at all. It was most likely the influence of whatever drug he was on. Suddenly the light started changing colours and Zuko’s vision faded.</p><p>
  <em>When they kissed, Sokka’s lips sometimes bled. It was not because they were rough or anything, but Sokka’s lips were incredibly chapped. Sokka’s lack of self-care often left him dehydrated, and his body suffered. So, whenever they made out, if Zuko bit down on his partner’s lips, the crimson liquid would usually appear. When Zuko first saw the blood, he cried, afraid he had hurt the man. Sokka laughed, pulling him close, promising to buy a Chapstick later in the morning.</em>
</p><p>The flickering eventually settled, the lights choosing to still on a purple hue. The woman spoke to him behind the screen, but Zuko chose to actively ignore her. He didn’t know where he was, but he knew he wasn’t here by choice. The last thing he remembered was Sokka having a breakdown, begging for drugs to relieve his withdrawal symptoms. Did he cave? Did he let Sokka go… Oh god…. Did Sokka owe some sort of debt? Was he going to spend his life handcuffed to a chair because his boyfriend couldn’t afford his next fix… God, he hoped Azula caught on and paid-up... Zuko may like bondage in the bedroom, but this situation was far from ideal. The woman stepped in front of him, smiling softly.</p><p>“Lee sweetie how are you” Zuko scoffed.</p><p>“Oh my god, you have the wrong guy! My name’s Zuko.” The woman just stepped back into her hiding hole and flicked the lights one.</p><p>
  <em>Zuko treasured Sokka’s laugh. It was generally a light-hearted chuckle, but sometimes it would develop into a deep below. Zuko thought it sounded like a religious hymn. Whenever he heard it, he felt the urge to drop down onto his knees and worship the man who created such a sound. Sometimes he did. </em>
</p><p>Zuko could barely make out a figure bathed in blue light standing in front of him. His vision was hazy, Zuko assumed it might have been due to fatigue. He recalled being up later after Ty Lee and Mai had snuck him and Azula out to a club.  It was a dumb decision really, they had midterms later today, and if Ozai found the fake IDs they were in the shit.  But the alcohol would explain the memory loss and the blurred vision. The man from his dream must have been a one-night stand. Whoops. Coughing snapped Zuko from his thoughts.</p><p>“Lee, how are you?”</p><p>“Umm, my name is Zuko. Zuko Agni. Where the fuck am I? Untie me this instant. Do you have any idea who I am! My father will have your head!”</p><p>“Put him back in” the woman ordered, as the lights flickered green.</p><p>
  <em>Zuko woke to the sound of the tv blaring at full volume. Zuko was used to morning surprises but the last thing he expected was to waltz out and see Sokka surrounded by random pieces of plywood and nails scattered everywhere. Zuko raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend, who shrugged and mumbled something about an invention as Zuko nodded, attempting to navigate his way to the kitchen.  </em>
</p><p>His head hurt. It felt like his skull had been kicked in, and no that was not just Zuko being dramatic. He had been used to his father’s abuse for a few years now, and often suffered blackout episodes as a result, but this felt different. As Zuko tried to shake away the ache, a woman approached him.</p><p>“Lee?” She asked as Zuko raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“Mum….? You look weird… wait- why are you calling me Lee?”</p><p>“… He’s close… put him in again.” She stepped behind the glass as Zuko caught on to his surroundings. He pulled against the restraints as panic consumed him. He called out for her, begged, and screamed to be released. But safety never came… Was not she the good one…. Wasn’t she the one who was supposed to protect him?</p><p>
  <em>Sokka was a real-life colouring book, Whenever Zuko’s anxiety began to spiral, Sokka would do his best to help. He would walk Zuko through breathing techniques, get him to drink some water and suggest a distraction activity. Sometimes they would watch a dumb movie, sometimes they would go for a walk, sometimes they would colour. Zuko loved to colour, more specifically he liked to colour in Sokka. He would take some water-based markers and colour in the spaces between Sokka’s tattoos, covering him in rainbow colours for the night. Sokka found it relaxing, letting his partner touch him casually, allowing him to calm down. It was one thing that made them so suited to each other.</em>
</p><p>When Zuko woke he felt wrong. He could not describe it; it was like this overwhelming numbness mixed with nausea. All he knew is it made it hard to function. Legit, that was all he knew. He was a fully grown man, surely, he should know more than this. Why couldn’t he remember anything?   </p><p>“Lee, are you okay?” A woman asked addressing him. Zuko looked up raising an eyebrow, that didn’t feel right.</p><p>“No… That is not me… My name, it’s… It's Z-... Z-…” He cut himself off. What was his name?</p><p>
  <em>He once took Sokka to karaoke. The two of them got incredibly plastered and sang along to all-out the classic 2000 emo hits. Sokka’s voice was far from professional, he sounded like what Zuko imagined Donkey and Dragon’s lovechild might have sounded like. He had that wise soulful undertone, but really he just ended up sounding like an ass. Zuko found it very amusing. </em>
</p><p>The yellow lights which illuminated the room buzzed like an annoying drone. Zuko couldn’t help but groan, squeezing his eyes shut in a desperate attempt to escape the bright light.</p><p>“Lee, are you with us?”</p><p>“Sokka…?”</p><p>“Sokka? Who’s Sokka.”</p><p>“I don’t know…”</p><p>“Again!” She yelled; the lights changed to pink</p><p>
  <em>All there was, was black.</em>
</p><p>“Lee, can you hear me?”</p><p>“Are you with us?”</p><p>
  <em>It was dark…</em>
</p><p>“Lee?”</p><p>He sat up, straightening his back to the best of his ability considering his compromised ability.</p><p>“Am I Lee?” he asked quietly, that word sounded familiar.</p><p>“Yes? Sweetheart are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”</p><p>“I-… I d-don’t remember anything…”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Meet You in the Darkness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sokka doesn't handle the news of Zuko's amnesia well.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw: talks of drugs, corrupt medical staff, alcoholism, depression etc, </p><p>Sorry its been so long since a chapter!</p><p>Song: Unsaid Emily - Julie and the Phantoms</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Please… Let go of me, you’re hurting me!” </em>
</p><p>Rehabilitation was supposed to fix all of the problems in Sokka’s life.</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t know who you think you are…”</em>
</p><p>But it just made everything worse.</p><p>“<em>Guards! Guards! Help!”</em></p><p>So much worse…</p><p>The month-long drug rehabilitation program had greatly benefited Sokka, allowing him to temporarily adjust to a life of sobriety. However, having to return to an empty apartment caused Sokka to regress into his toxic habits. Sure, Sokka avoided heroin, unable to stick a needle in his skin without picturing the betrayal in Zuko’s eyes, but despite that, the occasional blunt, or bottle of beer still found a way to inhabit Sokka’s system. Without Zuko being present, it was just so easy for Sokka to slip back into this behaviour and although Hakoda visited daily, just to ensure his son was alive, it wasn’t enough for Sokka to hold it together.</p><p>So instead, Sokka retreated to the couch and slept the days away. He avoided the bedroom like the plague, unable to remain in the room he had shared so many intimate moments with his lover, instead of making the lounge his new space. It was easy enough to manage; close to the bathroom, close to the kitchen, Sokka barely had to move, choosing to eat, sleep and breathe in front of the television, all whilst watching endless reruns of Pokémon. Although Hakoda didn’t approve of the lifestyle, he refused to comment on it, instead of spending his visits picking up his son’s empty beer bottles and trying to force some decent food down the man’s stomach.  Katara tried to do the same, often choosing to nudge her brother into bathing, however as Sokka chose to abandon his job, dropped out of college and quit lacrosse, she began to realise how futile her attempts truly were.</p><p>Noticing Sokka’s mental decline, Sokka’s friends and family tried their best to prevent drug relapse. They became so obsessed with checking for needle marks, and bruises that they failed to notice the bones protruding due to malnutrition or the chapped lips and red eyes caused by dehydration. They failed to see that Sokka had just jumped to a different method of self-mutilation, and he was the furthest from okay than he had ever been. But still, Iroh swung by with calming teas, Katara brought over pre-cooked meals, Hakoda fronted the money for all his bills, Aang tried to walk Sokka through guided meditation and Toph often swung by with podcasts and chocolate. As much as each of them had the right thought, no one, not even Sokka’s therapist (who was now conducting home visits) truly understood the gravity of the situation, well maybe except for Toph.  After all, Toph was Zuko’s best friend, and she had lost him just as abruptly as Sokka had. In fact, they had both been together when they first realised the consequences of Ozai and Ursa’s actions.  </p><p>The day everything went down, had happened to be the day of Sokka’s release from rehab. The GAang had begun the day expecting it to be one of celebration. Toph had started her shift at the Jasmine Dragon keen as a bumblebee to get working, as Sokka was being given the tick approval by the Lake Laogai staff. However, by the time Sokka had been released, all the day’s excitement had been replaced with fear as Toph’s screams echoed throughout the halls. Sokka immediately dashed towards them to see his friend kicking and screaming within the hands of orderlies. Sokka immediately intervened, pulling the frustrated Toph into his own arms as he went off at them for manhandling a young, blind woman in such a manner. But the orderlies didn’t care, choosing to ignore Sokka’s rants, and instead of turning to greet Iroh and a distraught woman who had entered the room.</p><p>The lady wiped her tears, dismissing the orderlies as she mumbled numerous apologies to Iroh. Iroh simply shrugged, turning on his heel to glance at the younger pair before him. After giving Toph and Sokka an up and down to ensure they were okay, he pulled them aside to inform them on the Zuko situation. Without a second thought, Sokka fled past staff, forcing his way into Zuko’s room shocked to see it vacant of any possessions. Sokka knew for a fact that numerous items such as flowers, cards, photos, and clothes had been brought into the institution to ensure Zuko was more comfortable, but these plain white walls lacked any personality. But that was hardly the worse thing the situation had to offer. No, that title belonged to the vacant look in Zuko’s eyes when he glanced upon Sokka.</p><p>“Oh, Hello, Can I help you?” He spoke from his spot on the hospital bed. Sokka just stared mouth agape,</p><p>“I need to get you out of here…”</p><p>“Oh, No need, I’m being dismissed tomorrow.”</p><p>“Where are they sending you?”</p><p>“The Lady of Faces said I have a penthouse apartment in the city, so I’ll go there I guess. But not to worry, doctors will be conducting regular check-ups!”</p><p>“Y…you can’t, we need to leave now!” Sokka reached forward, grabbing Zuko’s wrist and tugging him to his feet.</p><p>“Please… Let go of me, you’re hurting me!” Zuko shouted, trying to pull his wrist free, but Sokka ignored him, stubbornly pulling his amnesiac partner along.</p><p>“Trust me!” Sokka stated, trying to quicken the pace. Zuko dug his heels into the ground, protesting this kidnapping.</p><p>“I don’t know who you think you are, but you’re obviously not a doctor, So let me go!” Zuko snapped</p><p>“Those doctors are liars who are just trying to hurt you!”</p><p>“You’re insane … Guards! Guards! Help!” Zuko shouted, as the orderlies arrived, separating Zuko from Sokka, and escorting a resisting Sokka outside.  </p><p>Sokka couldn’t help but watch as the Lake Laogai staff took Zuko in their arms and continued to lead him to further treatment. It scared Sokka what these people were capable of. The light had completely vanished from Zuko’s eyes, and it was evident that they had ripped Zuko’s consciousness to shreds. It left him soulless, a china doll made to be quiet and stare. It was completely fucked and Zuko knew that whoever was behind this, was simply doing this as some sick power play. After all, it was George Orwell who said <em>true power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing.</em></p><p>It was why the institution did what they did. They took Zuko, transforming his mind into a lump of clay, ready to mould into anything they willed. It was very likely that whoever’s’ hands this Lee character would end up in, would have complete control over a mindless golem. Would he succumb to the will of another? Or would he live his trauma anew?</p><p>So Sokka left alone and unable to do anything was forced to grieve a love that technically wasn’t lost. He couldn’t move on, he couldn’t mourn, he instead was frozen in limbo, as he both simultaneously was affected by the death of a partner, but also knowing they exist away from him. It hit him hard, and honestly, Sokka had no idea if his response was appropriate. Usually, when lovers died, they held memorials, they held funerals and time was provided for the widower to deal with any necessary adjustments, but as Zuko learnt one Sunday morning when your love isn’t technically dead, those general requirements aren’t provided.</p><p>Katara was the first to throw protocol out of the window when she showed up with her friends to rope Sokka into a situation he wasn’t comfortable with. After forcing her brother to bathe, and braid his hair, Katara had begun packing up Zuko’s possessions, planning to free Sokka from the memories which continued to haunt him. Instead, she was greeted with a furious older sibling who used his size and strength as a scare tactic to get his way. Katara knew not to hold the behaviour against Sokka and that it was just his alcohol fled depression acting out against, but still, feeling vulnerable, she dropped the box of Zuko’s items and alongside her friends</p><p>Sokka simply crumbled to the floor and watched her leave in a dizzy haze. He didn’t know how long he sat frozen in that space, but eventually, the ringing of his phone cut Sokka from his dissociative episode and pulled his attention in. Hesitantly, Sokka answered, only to be shocked by the voice coming from the receiver.</p><p>“Hello, um, Lee here. Well, actually… I don’t know who I am... fuck I- is this the guy who told me the doctors were lying?” Zuko asked His voice was small and quiet, his anxiety lacing every word.</p><p>“Yes… It is.” Sokka mumbled, trying his best not to slur his words, but the alcohol in his system made it hard,</p><p>“I think you were right… and I need help.  Can you meet me at the botanical gardens in an hour?”</p><p>“Yeah. I can do that.”</p><p>“Thanks”</p><p>And with that final word, Zuko hung up leaving Sokka, drunk, confused and for the first time in weeks, a little hopeful.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Remember Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lee struggles with his identity and reaches out to Sokka.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tw: Manipulation and Alcoholism <br/>song: Take Me Home Tonight - Eddie Money</p><p>Hey guys happy holidays! I probably won't get another chapter in before the new year but the next one is sure to be good! Thankyou for supporting me!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It is not unusual for people to desire the ability to forget. After all, being able to erase traumatic experiences from your consciousness would be a sure-fire way to reach happiness. But unfortunately, the human brain does not come with a delete button and people are forced to seek other alternatives to eradicate their pain. Many people achieve this through drugs, sex, alcohol, or violence. But just like mud smeared over a stained-glass window, these vices distort reality and alter the artwork’s quality. Because deep down, that is all humans are pieces of artwork shaped by life experiences. It is the reason why the most famous pieces of art are portrayals of humanity. From the Mona Lisa to the Statue of Liberty, to Michelangelo’s David, human consciousness has been captured in artistic form. With each brushstroke or carving, these pieces tell a story. But what happens to a story when the paintings are burnt, the statues are smashed, and the windows are covered over? What happens when art is no longer there, and the stories are lost? Well, the answer could be seen in Lee; one of the many patients who had undergone a procedure to eradicate his story.</p><p>Sure, before his amnesia, Zuko like many others had used these vices to exorcise his pain, but he had never intended to block his memories behind a layer of mud, refusing to let any light seep through. But that is just what was done. The Lady of Faces took his story and locked it away behind the mud-covered window, taking away what made up Zuko’s identity. It was a cruel thing to subject her son to, but Ursa saw it as an opportunity. With Zuko’s death came Lee’s life, and a new pain-free era for him would begin. Although that may have been her intention, Lee found the lack of memories contributing to his depression. He knew deep down that apart of him was missing, and the answer was likely in his forgotten story. Of course, those around him had attempted to fill in the blank spots in Lee’s mind but it was like trying to fit a square inside of a circle; it just did not fit right.</p><p>Lee was an orphaned child of an aristocratic family, who was heavily involved in a local business. Lee had discovered this when a fellow work associate, a man named Ozai Agni had visited him in the hospital. Considering the man had known about Lee’s identity, Lee requested that Ozai collect some of his possessions, and as such when Lee was finally discharged, he had a suit, his car keys and a phone and was ready to step out into his new world. It took a while to adjust, especially moving from a secure hospital room to an isolated penthouse apartment, but Zuko found the transition to be comfortable enough, especially with the support from his carer Mushi. The man looked after him for a few years after his parents had passed and the two were quite close. Lee was not surprised to learn of their relationship as Lee found himself enjoying his company. He was quite excited whenever Mushi would pop by with tea and biscuits to see how Lee was adjusting. He learnt a lot about Lee he owned the most popular tea shop within Ba Sing Se’s inner circle, and he was related to Ozai Agni. That must have been how lee got a job at Ozai’s company, connections usually do help. Lee was lucky for that connection, as Ozai had insisted Lee take off a few months to recover, he most likely had Mushi to thank for that. But despite all the accommodations that everyone had made to ensure Lee’s recovery, Lee could not fight off that he was walking in someone else’s shoes.</p><p>Having spent the morning experiencing a manic episode triggered by the inability to remember anything, Lee searched up “most popular tea store in Ba Sing Se” and headed to the Jasmine Dragon in the hopes of finding Mushi to help him calm down. By the time he had entered the store, it was almost closing time, and most of the patrons had left, spare for one heavily tattooed dark skin woman who was talking to a short cashier. Lee was thankful for the lack of customers, especially considering he was hardly put together right now. He was wearing some black slacks, and a buttoned-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up, but considering they were drenched in alcohol, blood and sweat, Lee figured the nice clothes would not spare him from curious stares. Biting his lip, Lee waltzed up to the cashier, clutching the table with a shaky hand as he awkwardly interrupted their conversation.</p><p>“S-sorry, I am looking for the owner...” He whispered as the cashier raised an eyebrow in response.</p><p>“Zuko, you smell like blood and piss.” She gaped, as her friend elbowed her heavily in the side, causing Lee to look confused.</p><p>“Oh… I’m not- My name is Lee… Is the owner here?”  The woman just pouted, muttering something to her friend before walking to a doorway and shouting at someone to come down. Eventually, Mushi entered the room, Ozai at his side as Lee looked at him relieved. Instantly, Lee stumbled over to Mushi, allowing the man to embrace him, as he sunk into his carer’s hold. Mushi ushered Zuko to a chair, grabbing him a bottle of water before addressing the issue.</p><p>“Lee, what’s wrong?” Mushi asked as Ozai ushered the cashier back to her counter.</p><p>“It’s not right. Nothing is right it all feels wrong” Lee rambled, running his fingers through his freshly shaven hair.</p><p>“What is wrong? What did you do to yourself?” Mushi asked.</p><p>“The clothes, the apartment décor, the contacts in my phone, the people around me, the pet bird, none of it feels right, it is all fake… It feels fake” Lee began shaking as he spoke, desperately sipping at the water to calm down.</p><p>“And is that why you’ve drunkenly shaved your head and picked at your skin?” Mushi asked as Zuko reluctantly nodded. Mushi shot Ozai a glare, before sighing and standing up.</p><p>“I’ll call your therapist, ask her to come over tomorrow alright. I’m going to get you some tea… Ozai, do you mind helping me?” Ozai sighed, pocketing his phone before following his brother into the kitchen. Lee just continued to sip his water when the cashier from before plopped in the table opposite him. She reached into her pocket and placed a phone in front of Lee, as her friend cautiously kept an eye on the kitchen.</p><p>“W-what’s this?”</p><p>“The answer to why nothing makes sense now. They are lying to you.”</p><p>“And why should I trust you?”</p><p>“Because sparky, you know deep down something isn’t right, and well I care about you. All the answers are on this phone. The password is 70552.” Lee took the phone, unlocking the device as the girls returned to their previous positions. The thing was filled with pictures, conversations, documents, emails, search histories etc. and it was obvious it all belonged to him. Lee found several images and texts belonging to a man by the name of Sokka, and Lee must admit he did look familiar. The wait was he not at the hospital? Lee turned to the girls,</p><p>“Who’s Sokka?”</p><p>“Someone important to you, call him and find out.” Lee hesitantly agreed, dialling the man’s, and arranging to meet. By the time, the two had arrived at the garden to meet, Lee was a little surprised that Sokka was not exactly the happy go lucky athlete in the photos, but rather a man who looked just as much of a mess as himself.  The two awkwardly greeted on another and ran through a small series of small talk conversational topics, but eventually, Lee broke the tension.</p><p>“So… umm how did I know you. Were we an um… item? I- just… yeah cause there’s a lot of erotic pictures of you and well the text-” Sokka cut Lee off with a kiss. Lee found himself sinking into the man’s lips, he tasted of coconut soap and beer, a weird mixture, but regardless, the kiss instantly calmed Lee’s nerves. Lee eventually pulled away, “I take that as a yes then.” He chuckled awkwardly.</p><p>“Sorry… I just. I’ve missed you so much” Sokka averted his gaze as Lee plopped on the nearby park bench and sighed.</p><p>“Don’t apologise I’m just sorry I don’t remember. I want to… So bad, whatever is going on is fucked… And I hate feeling like this, but seriously, that kiss was the first thing in months that is felt like it was right, like it was actually an aspect of my life and not just a role I’m playing. I don’t know if that makes any sense but.”</p><p>“It makes perfect sense… I’m just sorry I couldn’t stop them from taking away your memories.</p><p>“Yeah… Toph left me an entry in my notes that it was some sort of brainwashing procedure, is that correct?” Lee had discovered Toph was the name of the cashier and she was apparently one of his best friends.</p><p>“Yeah…. Your parents are responsible for it.”</p><p>“Lovely… Oh spirits, they’re gonna be looking for me, and if they find out I’m on to them, they’re gonna do this again, aren’t they? No way can I go back there…”</p><p>“Then come home Zuko… Come home” Zuko… Now that name felt right.  </p><p>“Zuko huh? Much more original than Lee.” Lee- well Zuko joked. Sokka held up his hand for Zuko to take, as he escorted his amnesiac boyfriend back to their apartment. Zuko was confused at first, the neighbourhood Sokka led him to was shifty, and hardly felt safe, but after entering the small two-bedroom apartment, Zuko knew he was home. The cream-coloured walls, covered in homemade artwork, the bookshelves filled to the brim with second-hand classics and science fiction novels, the dual swords hanging on the living room wall and the small buddha statue in the kitchen all felt familiar to Zuko as did the animal skin pelt that was thrown over the couch and the giant turtle duck plush toy placed beside it. The entire apartment was filled to the brim with a bizarre mixture of Inuit, Japanese and Western culture, and Zuko found it calming. Having found his way into his apparent bedroom, Zuko was blown away by the choice of décor. Unlike the minimalist penthouse apartment Zuko had been staying at, this room was an interior designer’s nightmare, but it was home. After tearing through the room’s contents, Zuko found himself some skinny jeans, a blue jersey of sorts, and some old, tattered boots and got changed, leaving his sweat-soaked clothes in the laundry to deal with later.</p><p>Feeling more himself, Zuko joined Sokka on the couch and wrapped himself in the pelt, enjoying its warmth as Sokka shot him a small style. Sokka offered Zuko a beer, as the two drank in silence for a small while before Sokka glanced at Zuko and smirked.</p><p>“Ah, even with no memories you still wear my clothes” Sokka chuckled, referring to the jersey, as Zuko blushed.</p><p>“Oh sorry, do you want it back?”</p><p>“No. It was your favourite. Keep it.” Lee nodded slightly and went to respond, however, the grumbling of his stomach interrupted him.</p><p>“You hungry?” Sokka asked, and Zuko just gave a quiet nod. Sokka stood up, taking his beer with him as he looked through the fridge. “I don’t have much, but I have seal jerky, leftover Chinese takeout, some sushi that Katara tried to make, or I can make you like a sandwich.”</p><p>“Oh! Katara’s cooking is always so good, I’ll go the sushi.” Zuko smiled big, as Sokka froze.</p><p>“Did you just?” Sokka looked at Zuko shocked while Zuko processed what he said.</p><p>“Oh, my spirits! I remember her cooking!”</p><p>“You remember something! And of all things it’s food, now this is why I love you!” Sokka burst out laughing, excitement filling his eyes. Zuko froze hearing those words, and it broke his heart. Suddenly, the environment around him made sense. The amount of alcohol in the house, the clutter, the box of stuff thrown in the corner and the amount of laundry needed to be done… This wasn’t normal, was it? Sokka loved Zuko and was grieving, and now Zuko was giving him false hope. Zuko was an empty shell of the man Sokka loved. The work of a copycat artist, able to copy the final product but unable to transfer across the artwork’s soul. Was talking to this man now fair? After all, there was no guarantee he’d ever get his memories back, but still… He remembered Katara’s cooking, maybe… maybe things could work. Sokka returned to the couch with a plate of sushi for the two of them to share, before turning on the tv and wrapping his arm around Zuko. Zuko allowed himself to sink into the man’s hold, breathing in his scent as The Office played in the background. This position, this man, this apartment, was Zuko’s home and held the very foundations to his story. He knew he would find himself within these walls, as the man allowed him to glow, just like the sun and maybe, just maybe, with enough time, the mud over Zuko’s window would wash away, the sun would shine through and he would be whole again.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Just Like You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sokka discovers why Ozai created Lee.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am so sorry it took so long for an update, I've been very overwhelmed but I hope you enjoy!<br/>Tw: Alcoholism, mentions of drugs use and abuse, mentions of conversion therapy<br/>Song:</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The most hypocritical situation Sokka could imagine was the attitude people held towards mistakes. Sure, many claimed that these simple human errors were no crime, however, the spread of futile gossiping begged to differ. Although numerous people attempt to foster self-improvement, the majority instead choose to indulge in the toxic behaviour, exposing your baggage to the entire world. It made it almost impossible to move on, especially when most of your problems stem from societal issues. As a result, your very identity shifts as the way others perceive you become defined by your trauma. No longer do people care about good deeds, nor do they care about any improvement, instead they relish in your pain, forever condemning you to rock bottom.</p><p>This, just like for other addicts, was the case for Sokka; stuck in and perpetual cycle of hushed whispers and societal gossip. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how many therapy sessions, addiction groups, or rehabilitation programs he participated in, those around him had yet to take his progress as legitimate. Sokka could not blame them though, because despite returning to his usual life of work, sport, and school, he simply switched out his old vice for something else. He knew deep down that he should not be treating his recovery in this manner, but Sokka found he could not abandon the drink and be left alone with his thoughts. So, that was hour Sokka ended up drunk only an hour into his shift at the Jasmine Dragon.</p><p>The taste of alcohol was fresh on his tongue as he stared absent-mindedly at the deserted store. It was 1 pm on a Wednesday, and at this time of day, the place usually resembled a ghost town. It was no surprise that Sokka took the opportunity to try and sober up. He quietly nursed a glass of water as he considered heading homesick. He knew if he asked, Iroh would immediately grant him permission, however, Sokka thought best to just fake his way into being okay. It was the best decision really, Iroh was already short enough on workers.</p><p>For that reason, Sokka forced himself to finish his glace before plopping in the breakroom chair beside his friend. Toph scoffed and pinched her nose in disgust as she inched away from Sokka.</p><p>“You wreak, you bloody drunkard.” She snapped as Sokka sighed.</p><p>“I tried to cover it up…”</p><p>“Yeah, cologne isn’t the solution dumbass, using milk in your cereal instead of vodka, like a NORMAL person is.”</p><p>“I don’t- spirits I’m not that bad!”</p><p>“You sure dude?”</p><p>“Fuck off...” Toph shrugged,</p><p>“Your funeral.”</p><p>“Whatever…” Sokka merely kicked his feet up on the table, ignoring his friend.</p><p>Toph went to protest, not yet ready to end the conversation when a group of men entered the break room, arguing in hushed whispers. The pair raised an eyebrow as Ozai, Iroh and some stranger muttered about some business meeting. This was hardly a rare occurrence, and usually, Sokka would try to ignore it, but at the mention of Zuko’s name; Sokka thought it best to eavesdrop. The group talked in quiet mumbles for a while, before suddenly the stranger slammed Ozai’s body into the wall in a fit of rage.</p><p>“WHERE THE HELL, IS HE OZAI!” The man hissed, causing Ozai to cower under his grip. The usually confident man had lost all composure, resembling a scared child instead of the fearless reputation that preceded him. Iroh placed a hand on the man’s shoulder, ushering a warning, but the stranger chose to ignore it.</p><p>The man yelled the question again, as Ozai glanced up at the man, frozen quiet and submissive. This display of weakness was further demonstrated by the quiet stutter that fell from the businessman’s lips, a tone which the older gentleman did not appreciate.</p><p>“I don’t know where he is, I told you. I haven’t seen him since he ran away from home.” Ozai muttered, causing Sokka to clue onto the topic of their discussion; Zuko.</p><p>“Don’t bullshit me Ozai, I know you’ve kept tabs on the boy! Stop protecting him!”  Ozai gulped nervously, trying to put distance between himself and the stranger.</p><p>“I honestly haven’t seen him… Ask his mother…”</p><p>“As if that whore would know anything.” Ozai winced at the words, before diverting his gaze to his hands.</p><p>“Why focus on him, let bygones be bygones! My darling Azula is doing a wonderful job at runn-” Ozai wasn’t able to finish his sentence as the furious strange dropped him to the ground and kicked his head.</p><p>Iroh immediately planted himself between the pair as the stranger yelled obscenities.</p><p> “I do not care about your daughter’s frivolous successes; I care about the potential threat your pathetic excuse of a son currently holds. Do you understand stand me!!” Ozai let out a whimper, as Iroh pushed the stranger back.</p><p>“Leave my store, now.” He warned, but the old man merely chuckled in return. Iroh shot him another glare, as the stranger shot him a dismissive glance, but still chose to flee. With the stranger gone, Iroh helped his anxious brother to his feet, as Sokka and Toph shared a look, demanding an explanation. Iroh huffed, escorting his brother to a chair, and placing a cold compress on his head before turning to his two young workers. Ozai just scoffed, accepting the compress, but also reaching for the half-empty vodka bottle Sokka had left there. Sokka went to protest, Vodka was expensive but Iroh beat him to it.</p><p>“You’ve been sober for three days Ozai, no.” He snatched the bottle, emptying its contents into the sink. A familiar pang of devastation flickered in Ozai’s eyes, as Sokka couldn’t help but wonder; was Ozai an alcohol addict?</p><p>It did make sense. Zuko had always had aversions to the world of illicit fun, and considering his outrage at Sokka’s involvement, Sokka should’ve realised maybe it had more of a personal impact than Zuko led on. After all, according to Zuko, Ozai wasn’t always this way he used to be Zuko’s favourite person. Hell, maybe deep down he was still that person, but that didn’t change the fact he permanently disfigured his son’s face. Now, no matter how hard Ozai tried, he would be forever defined by that mistake. It didn’t matter if he quit drinking or tried to be a better person, all anyone would ever see is the abusive asshole who held an iron against his son.  It made Sokka sick to share a fault with a man capable of such destruction and as much as he craved the numb, he knew he at least held better morals than that man.</p><p>So, as much as Sokka sympathised with the man’s pain, he dismissed that emotion in favour of Zuko. So he spoke.</p><p>“What’s going on Iroh?” Iroh sighed, placing the empty vodka bottle in the recycling before turning to his two employees.</p><p>“That was Sozin, our grandfather. He’s after Zuko.” Sokka immediately turned to Ozai and berated him.</p><p>“Why didn’t you sell him out?” Ozai’s mouth hung slightly agape before he lowered the compress to respond.</p><p>“He’s my son…”</p><p>“Right… never stopped you before.” Ozai winced at the words, but mainly because he knew the kid was right. He had been a shitty father. But Ozai knew from witnesses that Sokka hadn’t treated Zuko much better. His addiction was consuming his life, how long was it until Sokka fell to Ozai’s level? How much was the kid willing to sacrifice to chase that numb? Sokka interrupted his thoughts, “So why does this Sozin bastard want Zuko?”</p><p>Zuko is the heir to the family business, being a well, <em>colourful,</em> individual yourself, some family members think it’d be best if he were to lose that succession” Iroh explained, clenching his fists slightly as Sokka stared in shock.</p><p>“So, there’s a hit out on my boyfriend’s head, because he's gay and effeminate and you didn’t think this information would be something I might need to know?” Ozai scoffed.</p><p>“You don’t need to know anything.</p><p>“I have every fucking right to know! Fuck- are you telling me this whole fucking experimental shit you’ve put him through is just somewhat? Chemical conversion therapy?”</p><p>“We did what we needed to do to remove the target from his head.”</p><p>“No, you deliberately took everything that made up Zuko’s identity. You fucking took out his queer identity, his artistic nature, his fashion, his imagination. Fuck you! Just fuck you!”</p><p>“I did what I did to protect him.</p><p>“No, you’re the one who pulled the trigger Ozai.”</p><p>For a moment, Sokka caught a glimpse of water, pooling in the corner of Ozai’s eyes. Quickly snuffing out the reaction by pressing his sleeve to his face.</p><p>“I acknowledge what I have done… But at least this way, he can still have a chance.”</p><p>“You’ve fucked him up, you spent all this time attempting to destroy him when you should’ve been protecting him. And now he’s out there, broken and confused, with memories of a person he doesn’t even recognise”.</p><p>“He’ll cope”</p><p>“You don’t get it. Ozai it didn’t fucking work. His memories are back. He’s fucking at home confused because these faulty constructed memories are clashing with his own! And rather than protecting him as a father should, you just used this as an excuse to push your homophobic agenda onto your child.”</p><p>“He remembers?”</p><p>“Yes- SPIRITS! Just fucking fix this!”</p><p>With a final glance, Sokka stormed out of the room, pure fury running through his veins. No matter how far Sokka fell, one thing he knew for certain, he was never going to become like HIM, he would never be that person, he was never going to touch booze or drugs again!</p><p> </p>
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